TIGWS:Rise of the Rebellion

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Chapter 2

The image wavered, and then stood up. The gloomy night air gave even more of a mysterious, almost real presence to it.

“So…what of this rebellion?”

“It is of no concern. There’s nothing they can do.”

“No army, just leaders. No threat. I agree.”

“And leaders are easily disposed of.”

“Yes, so our next act is to deploy our troops further, outside the core.”

“Yes, yes! Then we need to deal with these rebel leaders.”

Evil and malice filled the hearts of the two shadowy figures.

“Soon the galaxy will be ours!”

Dark laughter spread out into the busy night sky and was heard across the galaxy.

~--~

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Cere asked.

“You mean with no back-up or anything?” Lira replied, going back into the ship.

“We’ll be fine,” Kwest said, a big grin on his face. “Don’t worry.”

“I hope so,” Cere stated, not all too sure that he believed it.

“All pre-flight checks are done. We’re ready for liftoff,” Lira reported from inside the Dagger.

Cere, Lira, and Kwest were standing in one of the many hangars at Zatship Headquarters. The Dagger was the lone starship sitting on the platform. Cere paced back and forth in front of the Dagger’s landing ramp, while Lira and Kwest loaded survival gear and other necessities into the ship. Cere was so preoccupied pacing, that he didn’t notice his two bosses waiting for him to stop. Kwest and Lira stood patiently; they knew Cere better than anyone. He was always concerned and on edge.

Cere stopped pacing, and looked at his two bosses, who were also his best friends. He sighed.

“Guess that I just can’t worry all the time.” Cere smiled bashfully.

“See ya later, Cere,” Kwest said, following Lira up the boarding ramp.

“Bye, you two. Take care,” Cere called after him.

Kwest closed the hatch and walked to the cockpit. Lira was already starting the lift-off procedure.

“He’s not too worried, is he?” she asked, pressing a few more buttons.

Kwest gave a short laugh. “No, he’ll survive.”

The Dagger flew out of the hangar, leaving Zorrac behind as one small fire in the galaxy.

~--~

Walking home from work is such a drag. If we could just afford a speeder, thought Drew. He walked toward his house, which could be called a shack, more or less. Drew passed apartments, houses, and mansions, until he arrived in the “poor district” of the city. His home was not that far, now.
Suddenly, a big shadow overtook him. Looking up, he saw a huge landing craft. And more of them, too. Warships, freighters, starships, a whole army!
So the Dark Empire will take over the galaxy, and there’s nothing we can do to stop them, Drew concluded. Prinyone will just be another planet to add to the stock of the Empire.
~--~

Cere looked out of a window in the highest observation point in the warehouse compound. Windows surrounded him. Yup, a war was coming, and he could feel it in his bones.

“Sir!” a masked solider said as the door opened.

“Yes, lieutenant?”

The lieutenant was out of breath. “There are many large starships coming out of hyperspace over the capital city!” he reported.

“What!? Let me see!” Cere exclaimed.

The lieutenant showed him the image on a small holopad. Yes, there were very large starships coming in and coming closer!

“Alert the whole island! Tell everyone on Galaptillos to store all war-related ships, armor…..I want everything away! Order emergency code RED.” Cere ordered. “Lockdown!”

“Yes, sir!”

The lieutenant hastily left, and Cere collapsed in a chair nearby. Great, he thought, Kwest and Lira were gone and far away by now, and he was in charge of putting this place in lockdown! Even Elbea-Jorak didn’t think that the Dark Empire would deploy their troops this early! This could end in disaster.

~--~
The knocks on the door still continued, but they were quicker and more frequent. A loud voice shouted, “Open up! This is the new government's task force! We are here to officially wipe away the old, corrupt government, and give you a new, working democracy! Open up!”

“Joran, I think you should open the door! Who knows what they will do to us if we don’t!”

“Be quiet, Ginel! If we don’t say anything, they might think we aren’t home!” Joran hissed.

“But they’ll come back! I’m opening the door!”

“Ginel, don’t!”

Ginel ran over to the door, despite her husband’s protest, and pressed the unlock button.

“Oh, great,” muttered Joran as he walked over and stood next to his wife.

The door opened, and in front of it were one Imperial commander and four droid guards. Looking around, Joran saw that there were other Imperials going from door to door.

“Names,” the commander demanded.

“What for?” asked Joran, defensively.

On the commander’s signal, the droids leveled their blasters at him. “Okay, then…” Joran whispered aside to himself.

“We don’t want to get this information by force, but we will if necessary,” the commander coolly stated. The commander looked at him, an expressionless look on his face. He barely blinked. Joran gave him a challenging look.

“Excuse me, but why not just tap into the city computer? Everybody’s information is in there,” Ginel nervously suggested.

“Well, unfortunately, your so-called prime minister and the rest of Solero’s government officials managed to lockdown all the computers containing this information. We are working at unlocking it, but we need this information now,” the commander grumbled. “Now, if you don’t give it to us, as I mentioned, we will take it by force.”

“Fine. Joran and Ginel Sowann,” Joran said, pointing to himself and his wife.

The commander took out a datapad. “Spellings, ages, and occupations of everyone living in this house.”

Well, it seems that the Dark Empire is truly taking over the galaxy. What happens next? Joran pondered these ideas as he gave all the responses that were needed to the Imperials.

~--~

Esti coughed as the night smog thickened on the factory planet, Mon Acha. It’s not usually this thick, thought Esti, slowly looking around. There was no one in sight. She trudged back to her small apartment.

Walking up the stairs, she reached the door and opened it. A droid stood in the doorway. Two humans and three other armed droids were snooping around her apartment.

“Excuse me! What do you want? This is my apartment,” Esti told them.

One of the humans walked up to her. “By the order of the Emperor, we are to confiscate this apartment from you.”

“What! This is mine. I pay rent on a regular basis!” Esti exclaimed.

“We are removing half of the population of Mon Acha, by the Emperors’ orders,” the human explained.

“For their business purposes,” the second human added.

“If you do not leave in one week, we will take you out by force,” the first human said.

“What!?”

“One week, Esti Kells, no more.”

The officers and droids left, and the door slid shut behind them.

“Oh, no. The Dark Empire. The rumors are true! They are taking over, and now I have to leave everything behind for them,” Esti thought aloud. “This isn’t the end of Mon Acha and definitely not the end for Esti Kells! Oh, no it isn’t!”

Esti could still hear the echoing clanking of the droids, despite her heavy panting.
Last edited by PsychicNinja on Fri Oct 19, 2007 10:49 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman




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Oh, I liked it! You're slowly improving on the details, I'm impressed. It could still use some more. There is not much else to say, except keep it going! I'm dead worried! I wanna see what happens next! Gimme gimme gimme!

Just kidding, take your time, I'll wait. :D

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Yes, yes! Then we need to dispose of these rebel leaders.”
try a different wrod instead of dipose it souds repetitory

Evil and malice filled the hearts of the two shadowy figures.
before that you sayed there was only one shadowy figure?

Dark laughter spread out into the busy night sky and was heard across the galaxy.
you say that it was a busy night, but it kind of contrast how loud the laughter was heard, you could say soem thing to the effect of "Dark laughter spread out over the busy night sky so loudly it made the other noises sound like they wer not even there at all.

“I hope so.”
you might want to put who sayed it, because it could be either Cere or Lira, but put who sayed it before the quote, you have to much quote then name

He was a big worry-head.
that sentance sounds very young no offence

Cere stopped pacing, and looked at his two bosses, also his best friends. He sighed.
you should say who were also his best friends, its correct grammer, I liked how you added in emotion!

“Guess that I just can’t worry all the time.” Cere smiled.
you should say that he smiled bashfully or soemthign to make it more visible for the reader

Walking home from work is such a drag. If we could just afford a speeder,
thoughts are always italisized and quoted

Drew passed apartments, houses, and mansions, until he arrived in the “poor district” of the city.
Stop using his name so much it gets to be repetitive

So the Dark Empire will take over the galaxy, and there’s nothing we can do to stop them, Drew concluded.
when a character thinks or speakes it starts a new paragraph

i couldn't finish it, but it sounds good, ill crit the rest when I can good job! hi five! :wink:
I open my lunch box Hopin' to find a sandwich, an apple some cookies or cake but there, coiled and hissin' and set to unwind Is anouther big venemous poisonous snake leaving me hungry as can be you think my mother's mad at me?




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I liked this chapter and I can't wait for more! I'll be waiting...by the way I loved the description..

Love ya!
Demi :D
OREGONGIRL




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I fixed some stuff! :D
~PN
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman




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Been following the series but havent crited yet so here goes.

Reall yi can just repeat what teh others saids. Good good. Looking forwrad to more
Man:George look at this.
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Okay, first off, thanks SO much for PMing me when it was up! I enjoyed it, though there were a couple of things I noticed about the story:

For the Reader: It would be a wise idea to clarify why, exactly, the Empire needs the names, spellings of names, ages, and whatnot of all the people in the city/planet. I know that the officer said the computers were in lockdown, but if they're the Empire, shouldn't they have hackers and things that are trained to break into locked computers? No matter how good the technology is there is always someone who can find the fatal flaw.

Just Because: This is an awful lot like Star Wars. The supreme galactical force even has the same name. The Empire. Feh. I remember reading that this galaxy has contact with the Star Wars galaxy, but unless it's some sort of a parallel-universe galaxy with which they have contact (that'd be a cool idea: the walls of magic between the astral planes of the reality and the fantasy have broken down, thus allowing contact with the spiritual realm), I think that if there are two Rebellions AND two Empires, pretty much in the same time frame (maybe not; nothing was mentioned), that just parallels Star Wars a bit too much. You can change the characters' names and the events of the story, buut it still can remain the same.

Oh, and:

In the third bit of the story, the first line is:

"Walking home from work is such a drag."

Who is saying that? Is Drew thinking it? Are you, the narrator, stating that walking home from work is, indeed, such a drag? If it is Drew's thought, it should be italicized.
Also, where does Drew come in? Will he ever show up again?

Sorry for the harsh crit; I really did enjoy it.

Peace, love, chocolate.

Muffin




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I fixed some more stuff! Hope it sounds better now!
8)
~PN
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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Good, good. There is more description. The others have commented on everything and I'm not a repetitive person so... I'm enjoying reading this and I'm looking forward to more.

~ Shadowsun
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Very interesting, Timeam but I must say, you jump around a lot. I was confused about the events, places, and people most of the time. Try to neaten that up a bit, would you, please?
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This is really good. You have kept on eith the charaters and the dialogue flowed really well. You also added in a lot more describtion which pulled together but kept enough open to keep the reader hooked. I like the relationship the characters have with ach other and i can't wait o see what happens! Keep it up and i can't wait to see the next bit! :D
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I think the mistakes have all been caught and I liked all the different view points in this piece. Don't do that too often though. Concentrate on the main characters primarily but it's nice to see what's happening to the citizens. Also, I'd still add some more description and characterization but the plot is interesting and this is advancing well.
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yeah. The people who I did those mini-stories about are going to come into the story later! :D

That's why I wrote them in. It was kinda like in Episode 3 during Order 66, they showed all the Jedi being murdered on different planets..well I'm kinda doing the same thing.

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman




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i like the story but know im really confused :smt044 I think theres four storylines and i cant follow them all




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This is the right chapter, isn't it? Chapter 2? You may want to change the title of each one in the forum, just to say which chapter it is. :)

PsychicNinja wrote:He was a big worry-head.

I giggled at this, but I wonder if there's another word you could use... "worry-head" merely sounds a tad childish.

PsychicNinja wrote:Suddenly, a big shadow overtook him. Looking up, he saw a huge landing craft. And more of them, too. Warships, freighters, starships, a whole army!

Hmm, I'm not sure if it's wise to be using exclamations outside of character dialogue... it kinda makes it feel like a children's book.

PsychicNinja wrote:Well, it seems that the Dark Empire is truly taking over the galaxy. What happens next?

Aiyah, this bit screamed "To be continued..." Can it be changed? And again, questions outside of character speech is probably not a good idea.

PsychicNinja wrote:Esti coughed as the night smog thickened, on the factory planet, Mon Acha.

I think this comma is unnecessary.


Anyway, this was quite a cool continuation... assuming it was the right one XD. I can hardly wait to get to the next one tomorrow. :smt023

Also, I haven't read the comments prior to this one, so I apologise if I've repeated what anyone else has said. ^^;

- Mattstor!!
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