Adam_Atlantian wrote:How interesting. I enjoyed your portrayal of Loki very much. It suited him well.
You info dumped pretty much the whole way through, a bit annoying. You need to drw out some parts and allow yourself to not rush your descriptions.
Loki is well defined as far as characterization. He is prominent and has an effect. Your shadow cahracter however is very underdone for the effect you are craving. Hopefully you can add more to it as you go.
The voice thing was a bit confusing. The constat movement of it from one description to another makes it hard to apply a voice to the character, also taking away from the shadow's characterization.
A nice start. Needs some refining but i think this will be a very interesting story.
Reyu wrote:8498 SW Fifth Street, Waterloo Warehouse. Six stairs, no railing. The double doors of the entrance were rusted; the glass on either half was shattered and secured by a steel chain and padlock.
Reyu, with a few changes by Meep wrote:8498 SW Fifth Street, Waterloo Warehouse. Six stairs, no railing. Rusted double doors secured with a steel chain and heavy padlock.
Reyu wrote:The warehouse was, spacious. At least 20,000 square foot.
Reyu wrote:The shadow took the path, knowing that it was safe. The shadow could clearly see a lone stone throne, back rest at least six feet high.
Meep wrote:Reyu wrote:8498 SW Fifth Street, Waterloo Warehouse. Six stairs, no railing. The double doors of the entrance were rusted; the glass on either half was shattered and secured by a steel chain and padlock.
I like the way this starts, with quick, jumpy descriptions. Then suddenly you're slipping into using "to be," which slows the whole thing down. Try keeping with the style; it may not be "technically correct," but it's interesting, and I think that's what really matters.Reyu, with a few changes by Meep wrote:8498 SW Fifth Street, Waterloo Warehouse. Six stairs, no railing. Rusted double doors secured with a steel chain and heavy padlock.Reyu wrote:The warehouse was, spacious. At least 20,000 square foot.
That comma shouldn't be there, and I wouldn't recommend using solid numbers like "20,000." I'd say you should at least write it out as "twenty thousand" or just leave it at "spacious" or another adjective. Does it echo when you walk in it, or is it so packed you can't see the far side and it's like a freaky, urban maze?Reyu wrote:The shadow took the path, knowing that it was safe. The shadow could clearly see a lone stone throne, back rest at least six feet high.
Don't repeat "The shadow," at the beginning of both sentences. I think you could combine them without too much hassle.
Now, why would there be a Yin-Yang symbol, which is a pretty traditional Asian symbol, if Loki is from Norse mythology? Why "hime chan"? I think that, if you're gonna call him Loki, you should stick to more European stuff; if you want to use the Japanese imagery and words, use Japanese gods.
(Sorry, I don't have the attention span to copy-edit the whole thing. I can if you want me to, though, just lemme know.)
Meep wrote:It's just a strange mix of cultures, is all. It's like ... fangirl Japanese. I'm an anime geek, myself, and a Japanophile, but I think that the anachronism here is really weird. It somehow just screams "the author of this story is an otaku!"
... no offense, though. I'm an otaku, too. It's not a bad thing, but it can be an issue when it shows through in your non-fanfic stories. Sometimes it works (eg: Corny reads shounen-ai manga in Tithe), and sometimes it really doesn't seem to fit. I really can't see it fitting with Norse gods.
Meep wrote:Otaku is my general term for someone who enjoys anime (and/or manga). I'm also incredibly selective about what I read/watch/buy, but I'm still an otaku. Sometimes people use it for any anime fan (like in the US), or an extreme fan (as in the Japanese slang usage).
I'll be curious to see how the Japanese works into the plot.
Reyu wrote:“Speak!” Demanded the shadow, it’s voice sounding like a million scarabs descending.
Reyu wrote:His head peered around the corner. Green eyes blinking in surprise. He disappeared again, for a moment, and then re-emerged, hands in his pockets with a small spring in his step. He stood there for some time, off to the side of the throne, staring at the shadow. Then he smiled and gave a little laugh.
Reyu wrote:“Alls fair in love and war hime chan. My life’s desire, you say? Fun, my life’s desire is fun. So simple that you probably don’t believe it, I am the trickster god after all. One question down, how many more to go?" The whole time he was talking he appeared to be in an elaborate sword fight, pausing only for dramatic effect and to slash the air with an invisible sword.
The double doors of the entrance were rusted; the glass on either half was shattered and secured by a steel chain and heavy padlock.you need to refrase this sentance because now you're making it sound as if the broken glass was padlick etc.
There were not even any door knobs.maybe you should try combininb that into the last sentance because it sounds odd there. And what would the stell chain be around if there are no handels for it to be hald on?
It melted away and the chain fell, lifeless.umm the chain and lock was already lifeless
The moon’s brightness was mystic, not even during winter solstice would it shine this magnificentlythat senrance does not fit there, it sort of just sticks out maybe you should try something like this ;
The moons brightness made of path beams that came into existence the minute you steped into the building. The path started at the shadows feet and lead to the light at the other end of the warehouse.or somethign like that
As it glided closer to the back it could clearly see a lone stone throne, back rest at least six feet highthat doesnt make any sence no offence
The light came from a lamp hanging upside down from an extension cord that ran all the way up to the ceiling. At least fifty feet.you do not need that, you already said there was a light bulb at the end of the room. but question, why did all but this light go out?
The lamp had no shade but the soft forty watt bulb was luminescent enough.um here you're contradicting your self, a shade would make it dimmer, but you're trying to say how bright it is at the same time
The buckle on his belt shone like silveri REALLY like how you're using detale, but how can it shine like silver?
The man began to giggle.giggle?
Loki jumped at this and perched himself on the left arm rest. Balancing his weight on the toes of his feet. He was barefoot.it doesnt sound right, maybe you should try someting like this
Loki jumped at this and perched himself on the left arm rest. Balancing his weight on his bare toes.or somthign like that
A thousand, thousand scorpions all snapping at once.um why do you have two thousands? it doesnt make sence, and scorpions don't snap
“Alls fair in loveand war hime chan.you forgot the spacing
125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
