bitter happiness

Bitter Happiness


A flame of desire burns within me
To touch your delicate skin
To feel your warm breath
You drive me insane
With all your love talks
But are you real? Or is it just in my mind?
My phone rings again
Shivers run down my spine
My heart starts to beat fast
Sour sweat runs down my neck
It’s your voice, I hear it once more
Making me dream, making me scream
Could you be telling me lies? Could you be a fake?
But my mind has stopped working
Now that my heart is beating too fast
I want to run my fingers through your hair
Let you know how much I love you too
But why can’t I touch you? Why can’t I see you?
But I have waited too long
You have made my life hell
Every night I sleep alone
Dreaming of what you look like
My phone is ringing once more today
I know its you calling me
I don’t want to hear your voice again
But a force is pulling me
Just free me and let me live
But I can’t, you’ve trapped me
I live with this bitter happiness…

A flame of desire burns within me,
to touch your delicate skin.
To feel your warm breath.
You drive me insane,
with all your love talks
But are you real? Or is it just in my mind?
My phone rings again,
shivers run down my spine. (cliche, change it)
My heart starts to beat fast,
sour sweat runs down my neck.
It’s your voice, I hear it once more,
making me dream, making me scream
Could you be telling me lies? Could you be a fake?
But my mind has stopped working,
now that my heart is beating too fast.
I want to run my fingers through your hair. (cliche)
Let you know how much I love you too.
But why can’t I touch you? Why can’t I see you?
But I have waited too long,
you have made my life hell.
Every night I sleep alone,
dreaming of what you look like.
My phone is ringing once more today,
I know its you calling me.
I don’t want to hear your voice again,
but a force is pulling me.
Just free me and let me live (cliche)
But I can’t, you’ve trapped me,
I live with this bitter happiness…

Firstly, you need to read Claudette's Poety and Punctuation (Search Claudette and it should come up)
This idea is overused but I think you wrote it well. Avoid cliches in future.
The rhythm was good and the use of questions helped us understand what you felt.
However, you didn't really give us any new ideas about having a relationship. It was good but try and use new imagery and avaid old, stale, cliches.
Charlotte

(sorry to be harsh)

Half the idea for this poem was slightly clichetic(make up word I know people) and a few lines I had read before but you twisted it around by not knowing if your lover was realy or not and I think it was really well written. The questions really let us know how the narrator was feeling and you had some great description in parts.
Mainly the poem flowed well except for a few lines, especially:

My heart starts to beat fast

Gah this was nasty, you didn't need the starts to and just make beat, beats.

I think you want to go and read through it and see which likes a quite clichetic(sorry for that word again) and pull them out and rewrite. I think you should be able to notice them (:
But no I think it was quite well written and I would like to see some more of your poetry.