Elaine

Elaine

Elaine sits on the bottom stair,
"I like not having to be anywhere,"
and as she sits, she stops and stares
and nobody, nobody, nobody cares.

Elaine sits on the middle step,
"It's nice to choose just how to be kept,"
and as she sits she wishes she'd wept
so nobody, nobody, nobody slept.

Elaine sits on the highest tread,
"Does anyone know I haven't been fed,"
and she thinks of her eiderdown bed,
that nobody, nobody, nobody'd spread.

Elaine waits in a soft nightgown,
"It's nice to know I've finally been found,"
her mother and father do not hear a sound
and nobody, nobody, nobody's round.

Elaine glides up into the sky,
"It's nice to know angels really do fly,"
and she spreads her wings and soars on high
and nobody, nobody, nobody cries.

The one when she's on the highest tread, the rhythm of the words seem awkward, but it's a nice poem.

Hullo, Luna.

I normally don't to rhyming poems, but this endeared me to it. It reminds me of a Shel Silverstein poem or one by Tim Burton, though less violent.

S1, L2 -- "It's nice not having to be anywhere," -- The conjunction sounds odd, almost as if it wishes to not be a conjunction. I'd play around with it. My favorite version would be -- This is nice not having to be anywhere.

S2, L3&4 -- and as she sits she wishes she'd wept / so nobody, nobody, nobody slept. -- I love it!

S3, L3 -- and she thinks of her nice, warm eiderdown bed -- Love this too. Especially how it sounds out.

S4, L1&2 -- Elaine sits in a warm nightgown, / "It's nice to know that I've finally been found," -- The rhythm of these lines is off, as well as the consonance. Plus, I don't think the repetition of 'sits' works right here. Now, that I think of it you might want to use another word for warm.

S5, L4 -- but nobody, nobody, nobody cries. -- I think it would work better if it was and not but.

Nice poem, hon. I especially like your use of alliteration.

Ta,
Cal.

ARGH I had my critique all typed out and lovely and Internet Explorer decided to ruin it all.

Anyway, I think this piece is a great example of telling a story without letting the (nearly flawless) rhyme and rhythm get in the way. It's a lot better than many of the rhyming poems we see here on YWS and I think a lot of users (myself included) would do well to follow your example.

Rhyme and Rhythm. Of course, there are still a few problems...

Elaine sits on middle step,
"It's nice to decide just how to be kept,"
and as she sits she wishes she'd wept
so nobody, nobody, nobody slept.

Looks like you forgot a "the" there in the first line. Also, the rhythm is off in the second line...there should probably only be one syllable where "decide" is.

Elaine sits on the highest tread,
"I wonder if Mummy knows I've not been fed,"
and she thinks of her nice, warm eiderdown bed
that nobody, nobody, nobody'd spread.

The rhythm in lines two and three is way off here; I think it would be best to rephrase entirely. Rephrase and read it aloud until it sounds perfect.

Elaine sits in a warm nightgown,
"It's nice to know that I've finally been found,"
her mother and father do not hear a sound
and nobody, nobody, nobody's round.

In the first line, the last syllable should be accented, but here, the second-to-last one is...NIGHTgown when you want nightGOWN, which obviously isn't how it's said in English. Find a different word, I suppose.

Great work and keep at it!
-Colleen

Hey guys, thank you SO much for your critique, I really appreciate it. I edited the poem based on your comments, and I think it flows better now. So thanks bunches, hope this works.

~Luna~