thoughts of ten days.

simply fingering the memories
how dare i to subside
telling myself over again
the moments they have died

its going to be okay
repeating; its goinna be alright
shall i wake up to the day
everything is black and white?

so here i rest my tired head
and here shall i cry
here it shall be said
as my heart gives a sigh

cause the world will never know
how hard it is to breathe-
one by one, friend and foe
alike, tears shall be shed
because a rose is a rose
and anything as red.

Some quick notes on random things: please punctuate [Poetry & Punctuation] and capitalize properly, including the pronoun I.

To the poem: it has a sort-of rhyme scheme, but it's overly simple and isn't always exact. Your poem relies heavily on it, as well.

For example, this stanza:

its going to be okay
repeating; its goinna be alright
shall i wake up to the day
everything is black and white?

It rhymes but do the last two lines really make sense? not... really.

And that is also a problem with your poem. It doesn't make too much sense, and it seems to be more concerned with rhyming rather than expressing or making sense. I'm not even entirely sure what the poem is about.

The best suggestion I can offer is to read more poetry, that is the best way to learn. Also, this article might help you: Emotional Poetry. I'm not sure this poem was emotional but... it might be? XP like I said, I can't really tell what you are trying to express.
Sorry I rambles so much ^^;

Claudette's right. You need to punctuate this and then re-consider the rhymes. Rhyme and rhythm are great when they come naturally and add to the poem but here it seems too forced and you should avoid using so much colloquial language. Here are a few specific suggestions and comments -

Simply fingering the memories,
how do I dare [s]i to[/s] subside?
Telling myself [s]over[/s] again, again,
the moments they have died [This makes little sense. Perhaps 'the moments when they died?']

It's going to be okay.
Repeating; it [s]goinna[/s] will be alright.
shall I wake up to the day
everything is black and white? [I know what you're trying to say here but it doesn't quite fit. Maybe if you re-worded it? Like -

Will I ever see the day
When all is black and white?

So here I rest my tired head
and here shall I cry.
Here it shall be said,
as my heart gives a sigh,

[s]cause[/s] that the world will never know
how hard it is to breathe.
One by one, friend and foe
alike, tears shall be shed
because a rose is a rose
and [s]anything[/s] everything as red.

____________________

In general, I think the poem needs some work and I think you restrict yourself too much with the thyme scheme but the ending is good and you have some nice concepts hidden throughout this piece. Try to make your points clearer so that people don't get confused and read the two articles that Claudette suggested. I've read them and found both very helpful. Hope some of this makes sense,

Heather xx

Thank you Claduette and Kitty15 ;D

All of my poetry is lower-case. That's just the way I like it. Outside of poetry, I'm a self-proclaimed grammar/spelling freak (I can't stand seeing a misspelled word or wrongly punctuated piece of work). Thanks for pointing the mistakes out, though. =)

I've read over your opinions and I plan on rewriting.

Thanks again!

Mel

Everyone else has already commented on the mechanics, so I'm going to totally ignore that and say just what I feel from the words themselves, though in retyping I might change spelling/grammar/punctuation out of habit.

I like how the first two stanzas give a sense of a past ultimatum. As if there was a choice to be made, possibly a 'lesser of two evils' circumstance, and the choice, whether best or not, is regretted. Then the worry of how this past will affect the future. Will it come back to haunt?

Then the third stanza feels very short and sure, making the decision to follow a path.

The fourth, lines by lines:

"Cause the world will never know
How hard it is to breathe-" People take things for granted until they are no longer there.

"One by one, friend and foe
Alike, tears shall be shed" When those things are taken away, eventually everybody will notice no matter who they are and they will weep that they were so arrogant as to think nothing in the world could change so horribly.

"Because a rose is a rose,
And anything is red." Some people cannot change their ways or mindsets, but anything can happen.

This is the meaning I take from your words, a message to be aware of what happens around you and to stand up for what you believe in before it's too late.

I say this a lot when reviewing poetry but it doesn't necessarily have to make sense. I assume (correct me if I'm wrong) that the ? on the last line of verse 2 is to change the statement into an uncertain one, as if to ask for confirmation eg " Everything is black and white, is it?"
But it could just be a type error or you could have got the first words of that line mixed up!

I won't comment on punctuation, because I'm pretty sure you're intentionally not using it as some kinda stylistic thingy.

That aside, I really enjoyed this; very pretty, lyrical phrases. However, as Claudette says, it doesn't completely make sense, and while I understand what Thinker is saying (poems don't need to make sense to be powerful), it wasn't just that it didn't make sense. When I'd finished reading it, it didn't leave me satisfied, because I couldn't take away any kind of meaning from it, really. Even poems that don't necessarily make conventional sense should convey some kind of meaning.

It was good, but it could be better if you clean it up a bit. I did enjoy it, but i was also confused by it. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't make much sense.

shall i wake up to the day
everything is black and white?

I'm not quite sure how these lines fit with the rest of it.