Ticking hearts

I sat quietly
Hands in my lap, clasped.
Tighter than Mummy's lips were pursed,
Tick...Tick...Tick...

We didn't talk,
Or even look at each other.
Just stared, at him, like an audience,
Tick...Tick...Tick...

Daddy always said,
That when Mummy was quiet, I should be too.
Daddy didn't say anything now, his eyes were closed,
Tick...Tick...Tick...

Mummy let out a small whimper,
Like a dog, caught doing something naughty.
The red line went straight,
And the ticking stopped.

This is so overwhelmingly morbid, but subtly, that I can't help but love it.

the "tick...tick...tick" did irritate me a bit, but it works. I think I just don't like repetitive onomatopoeias xD Maybe if you wrote them Tick. Tick. Tick. rather than with ellipses, and the italics bring out there meaning.

But really, they way you said Mommy, and Daddy, to bring out childish innocence, and from what I can guess, dear Mommy was killed ... It's just amazing. I really, really like it, mostly because it's so subtle and lacking on the surface, but underneath it's a slaughter house.

Keep up morbidity ^_^

I can't say I liked this as much as Clau did...it's a little too straightforward and telling for my taste. Of course, a flat tone and straightforward manner add to the way this story is told, but there still has to be some substance.

I disliked the repetition of "Tick...tick...tick..." because when those words are in a poem, it's just too obvious what's going to happen. It might work in a performance poem, but not here.

We didn't talk,
Or even look at each other.
Just stared, at him, like an audience

This was definitely my favorite part, the staring like an audience. Do more of that!

-Colleen

Wow. This was really good. I loved it because it was easy to understand, but it wasn't obvious to me how it would end. Very nicely done. (Personally, i hate poems that involve a lot of thinking.)

I'm going to be different and say that i actually liked the Tick, Tick, Tick thing. I can't even say why, I just did. I think it broke up the thoughts, which is how i'd imagine someone in her position would be thinking. She'd be scared, distracted, probably not thinking fluently.

Anyway, very good.
=)

After a few reads i think i have understood this, it gives off a very eery feeling, which is effective

I likes it