The Supernatural & Me

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"Please spare my mother" a little girl pleaded. Her green eyes shone with such emotion someone could not even fathom. The young girl was barely of ten years of age, yet was smarter than most adults. She held a certain powerful air around her, one that was not to be reckoned with. But the people around her dared. And they would pay for it, with their lives.

The monsters cackled evily around her. They didn't take her seriously, but who would; she was a ten year old girl. The evil creatures were dark and frightening, but the girl was not afraid of them she was simply afraid for her mother. They lurked closer to her, their piercing red eyes were the only thing she could make out in the dark abyss of night. They needed to get out of here the little girl thought. Suddenly, she heard her mother cry out in anguish. Alarmed she called out to her mother.

"Mother, what's wrong? Please answer me!" the little girl apprehensively asked. She had gotten no reply. She only her mother's wretched sobs. A loud malicious chortle was heard. They had hurt her mother, they dared to hurt her family and now she would hurt them. Heat pooled in her stomach. Her veins felt like they were on fire. Her body laced with fresh venom. Her eyes felt blurry and then all she saw was red. Her body had been taken over, she felt anew, she felt different, she felt powerful. She did not know what was happening but she dare not question it. She liked this feeling, she knew that she could finally protect everyone. The little girl had felt herself leaving her body, being taken farther and farther away, she was loosing herself to a strange yet mystical power. It had almost taken her over until she heard a loud weeping. The little girl felt herself being slammed back into her body with such force that she almost had fell over. Her stomach loosened and she felt cold. Her vision had cleared not only like the red she had see before. The little girl gasped at what she saw. It was a massacre. The creatures were laying down and seemingly unmoving. There were piles and piles of them. There was a mess of red everywhere. It covered everything. Flames were everywhere. The girl heatedily searched for her mother looking everywhere until she spotted her. She was crouched down in fetal position near the old black victorian gates of the mansion. The mansion was beautiful. It was made of brick and had to have at least four floors. There were ten windows on the front side, and it had two front balcony's. It must have more in the back the little girl thought. On top of the double entrance doors it read fourty two, in red medival style font. The little girl shook her head, ignoring the intricately designed mansion and rushing over to her mother.

" MOTHER! what happened? Are you all right? Who killed those monsters? Who saved us?" The little girl hastily questioned. She peered at her mother making sure she was all right. After a few moments her mother looked up at her with fear strickened eyes and quietly said, something that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

" You killed them Isabella" her mother responded. The little girl eyes widened and she looked down at her hands. They were covered with blood. And that was all it took. She screamed. She screamed into the heavens.



I jolted awake, my body was dressed from head to toe in cold sweat. The dream was always the same, it never changed. It was a nightly occurance for about a year now. It didn't even matter how many pills I took, it had always managed to come back to haunt me. The weird part was that the pills I was taking were strong enough to knock out a lion, but they didn't even make me yawn. In fact, I would go as far as to say that they made me more energetic.

It was like the dreams were trying to tell me something. Like they were showing me something I did?

No way


I shook my head from my thoughts. It was too early to think that morbidly. I glared at my wooden bedroom floor. I never got a good night's sleep. Not once. It angered me. I was glaring at the floor so heatedly that I didn't even hear the door open. Before I could even turn my head I heard a familiar sweet femine voice that always soothed me.

" Isabella darling, you look awful, how did you sleep?" my mother asked.

" Nightmares again" I looked up at her and gave her a weak smile. She feebly nodded looking at me with guilty eyes. Damn I hated it when she looked at me like that, it's not like it's her fault I get those bloody nightmares.

I'm just messed up.

" Mother don't worry, it's not your fault I'm a freak, I'm going to take a shower." I stated. I was trying to make her feel better but she looked even more distressed then before. I sighed and straightened my back-pretending to be energetic- and sauntered into the bathroom, making sure the water was extra cold, hopefully it would wake me up from my restless night.






( im sorry about the non-tabs it won't let me tab it or space it out, please bare with me until I learn)


be brutal!
सारा मेरा ज़िंदगी मैं माल असबाब छिपा हुआ




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Well, its quite good. But I think you shouldn't have the girl leave her body. I think it would be much better if she did all of that and she wanted to and she saw all of it happen. But it should be like, when its finished, she finally realises the terrible thing she's done and is remorseful. Also, there's not enough emotion. When she woke up, maybe you could have her crying a bit when she thinks of all the carnage she caused in her dream, and how she wanted to do it? There's some typos and spelling mistakes aswell, so fix those. Other than that, it was quite good. :)




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"Please spare my mother" a little girl pleaded.


"Please spare my mother," a little girl pleaded.

The monsters cackled evily around her.


evilly, I think.
The evil creatures were dark and frightening, but the girl was not afraid of them she was simply afraid for her mother.


The evil creatures were dark and frightening, but the girl was not afraid of them; she was simply afraid for her mother.

They lurked closer to her, their piercing red eyes were the only thing she could make out in the dark abyss of night.


I think this sentence would flow better if you typed:

They lurked closer to her, their piercing red eyes the only thing she could make out in the dark abyss of night.

They needed to get out of here the little girl thought.


If 'they' refers to the monsters, then this sentence is okay. If 'they' refers to Isabella and her mom, then replace 'They' with 'We' or 'Mom and I'.

Alarmed she called out to her mother.


Alarmed, she called out to her mother.


She did not know what was happening but she dare not question it.


She did not know what was happening, but she dared not question it.


she was loosing herself to a strange yet mystical power.


losing



The little girl felt herself being slammed back into her body with such force that she almost had fell over.


she had almost fallen over.


I have to go now, I'll critique the rest later. The plot of this sounds interesting, what's up with Isabella's dreams? Good job, just fix the errors. :D
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

When you're being nice to your character, you're being bad to your book.




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I'm back, now for the rest of the critiquing:

Her vision had cleared not only like the red she had see before.


Her vision had cleared; there was no more of the red she had seen before.
The creatures were laying down and seemingly unmoving.


lying

There were piles and piles of them. There was a mess of red everywhere. It covered everything. Flames were everywhere. The girl heatedily searched for her mother looking everywhere until she spotted her.


The words 'everywhere' and 'there' are repeated a lot in these lines.

The mansion was beautiful.


Cut out this sentence completely. There's no need for it, because in the lines after it, you've already made it clear that the mansion is beautiful. And it's a telling sentence anyway.

On top of the double entrance doors it read fourty two, in red medival style font.


forty

The little girl shook her head, ignoring the intricately designed mansion and rushing over to her mother.


rushed.

" MOTHER! what happened? Are you all right? Who killed those monsters? Who saved us?"



What

After a few moments her mother looked up at her with fear strickened eyes and quietly said, something that would haunt her for the rest of her life.


fear-stricken ; the little girl

The little girl eyes widened


1. I think you can write Isabella's, instead of the little girl's, know that we know her name.
2. The little girl's eyes widened.
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

When you're being nice to your character, you're being bad to your book.



You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer