catastrophe

oh, jealousy is the newest trend
the newest fad in this .. democracy
hatred is a girl's best friend
and rumors are the next-best accessory

from the catfights to the spats and to the private battles
you know word of mouth spreads like wildfire
and a simple shake-shake from the snake's rattle
turns us all into gossiping liars-

friends are friends for only two weeks
and best friends are never forever
it may seem so great in high school land
but duct tape can't even hold this together

frankly, truly, and absolutely honestly,
no one gives a crap anymore
everyone sees things so differently
but in the end we're all gossip whores.

Hmm, i realllly liked the beginning of this, It seemed fresh and original, but as it went on i felt like i was hearing it all before.

I think the idea here is good, and as I said I loved the beginning, if you kept the same feel of that through out I think you would have a really good poem here.

It might just be the way I'm reading it but I felt it was a little choppy in places, but it might be the way I'm reading it.

The little bits of rhyming worked well, and it wasn't overly obvious which I think can ruin some poems, so well done on that.

hmm...i think I have said all I can say, I did enjoy it, and with a few tweaks here and there I think it will be really good!

All the best,
Meevs
x

This is such a true poem except for bestfriends part it's very nihilistic but overall I like it but very pessimistic. It's nice idea but I've one suggestion if ya want last verse to stay powerful try putting damn instead of crap. Anyway great poem and it's pretty original. It sounds like a song maybe make it a song. Doesn't sound poetical sounds more like a rant.

One last thing I noticed is this is poem then where the punuaction to show stops etc. Without punaction it's just a rant.

Thanks for the reviews! I'll be sure to work on it, and maybe post the new revised edition.

I think I liked this, simply because I'm a complete gossip whore ^_^ And it was simple, and straight to the point. I usually hate poems like that!

But please dear goodness, punctuate! And then, capitalize! ^.~

you know word of mouth spreads like wildfire

I think "wildfires" would sound better.

the newest fad in this .. democracy

if you're going to use an ellipse use all three dots.

turns us all into gossiping liars-

the dash should be --

For the last line, italicize, don't underline. Also, count your syllables and give it a rhythm if it doesn't already have one. Or fix up the rhythm, it'll be better that way. If you have any questions, you can PM me.

I love the first stanza; the idea of gossip and vindictiveness as fashionable trends really worked. What's up with the ellipse, though? I don't think you need it.

You could omit the third stanza. It's not bad, exactly, just kind of clichéd, and it seemed mediocre compared to the rest of the poem, which was much better.

Oh, and I agree with Siegfried that it would sound better if you changed "crap" to "damn".

Otherwise, I really liked it, even if I'm not quite that cynical. ^_^

melodicatastrophe--


"Catastrophe" is indeed an apt title for this rubbish. Your verse grates at every rhyme with all the grace of a seven-foot three year old.

From what else i have read of yours, this is by far your worst piece.


Best,
Brad

I thought that the odd rhyme and half-rhyme you had included worked very well. I do think though that the others are right about including more punctuation as that means that the reader then reads it in the exact way it was meant to sound rather than their own interpretation.

Also in the third verse I kind of got the feeling you were trying to say that things (especially friendships) aren't as easy now as they were in high school. Personally i think you could make that message a bit more pointed by ending the last line of that stanza with 'anymore' or 'now'.

Anyway, it was a really good poem and i hope you write more.

Incandescence wrote:melodicatastrophe--


"Catastrophe" is indeed an apt title for this rubbish. Your verse grates at every rhyme with all the grace of a seven-foot three year old.

From what else i have read of yours, this is by far your worst piece.


Best,
Brad

Em, could you be a little more detailed on what's wrong with the poem? I'm not afraid of hearing it, I just want to make my works the best they can be.

As for everyone else, thanks for the crits! I adore all of you dears <3

Mel =)