Never Been Kissed (Revised)

Catalina looked up at the young man beside her. His grey eyes held wisdom far beyond his seventeen years. His blond hair moved with the wind as if it had a life of its own. Catalina realized for the first time that Caden had become more than a childhood friend. Whenever he turned those eyes onto her, her knees went weak and she could swear that her heart stopped beating. She forced herself to concentrate on what he was telling her at the moment.

“Now, hunting is a very delicate sport,” he said while they were crouched in the bushes waiting for something to appear, “And, as you know, one that is dear to my heart. I only agreed to bring you along because you promised you wouldn’t be any trouble.”
Catalina rushed to assure him. “No trouble at all. You won’t even know I’m here.”

Caden laughed quietly so as not to spook Catalina’s skittish horse, Jim who was standing a little ways off to the side along with his horse, Ajax. “It’s kind of hard to forget.” His eyes roamed over her. “After all,” he continued seriously, “I did promise your father I would take care of you while on this trip. The forest is a dangerous place. Always has been. But especially now that the Black Thieves have been hanging around and harming anyone who comes near these dark woods.” Here he gave her a stern glance.
Catalina sighed. He was always doing this. Just because he was two years older than her did not mean that she couldn’t take care of herself. On the contrary, Cat was an amazing fighter and held her own in most battles. Of course, she had never been to war, but she could still fight anyone who challenged her. “I thought we had been over this. I will be perfectly fine!”

Catalina said trying for a light tone, “So, stop stewing. That’s my father’s job remember!”

Caden smiled, but it didn’t get any farther than the corners of his mouth. Catalina peeled her eyes away from his and stared at the patch of water in front of them, watching for any signs of approaching game. The scene was quite breath taking. It was fall, and all the leaves had already turned the familiar colors; red, gold, and yellow. The sun shone brightly upon the crystal clear stream running through the entire forest. Every animal around usually chose this stop to drink, which is why Caden had insisted that they would watch this spot.

She heard him heave a heavy sigh. “You know I can’t help but worry about you, Cat. After all, you are like a sister to me. And doesn’t a brother have the right to worry?”

Cat’s heart plummeted. Brother? If you only knew! She forced herself to meet his steady gaze. She could have sworn that there was understanding in them. It’s just my imagination. I have longed for this to happen so much that I’m imaging things! “Of course you have the right to worry,” Cat answered. “I just wish you wouldn’t worry as much as you do. You know-“ her words were cut off suddenly by the sound of horse hooves in the distance.

“Be quiet!” Caden hissed. Cat instinctively reached for her bow and saw Caden do the same. As the horses came into view, Caden stiffened. They both focused in on the loud raucous which was scaring away the best prize animals.

The horses snorted impatiently while the two humans watched silently. Two mysterious riders dismounted their black geldings and looked around them, as if searching for something.
Cat was afraid to even breathe. She felt a light tap on her arm and turned her head slightly to see what Caden wanted. He motioned for her to get on her horse. Not knowing what his fate would be, she shook her head.
“Just go!” he mumbled.
Finally acquiescing, Cat jumped on her horse and spurred it into a gallop, heading back to the Lone Wolf Inn.

*
Cat slipped out of her saddle, practically falling on the young lad who was waiting patiently to take the exhausted horse. She stumbled into the inn, trying to fight off her drowsiness. She had been fleeing all that day from the terrible scene. A single thought tried to fight its way into Cat’s mind. Without even undressing, she pushed the annoyance away and fell into bed.
*

The next morning, Cat’s muscles ached from the hard riding. She could feel her head pounding. She groaned and looked at the clock. It was around noon. Cat dragged herself out of bed and quickly dressed in a black shirt and pant combination. The thought from last night entered her mind. She was suddenly alert. Caden! She rushed out to Jim, startling the helping hands.

“Saddle my horse at once!” she commanded.

“But madam, your horse still needs time to recover,” stated a shocked page.

“Then saddle a different one!”

Another groom spoke up. “Do you think it is wise to leave without an escort?”

“Enough! My mind is made up. If you will not saddle a horse for me, then I will do it myself!” With that, she turned toward the tack room, picked up a saddle, saddle pad, and bridle, and chose a fast, reliable horse. She threw everything on, and then led the poor creature out of its stall. She mounted. Not even waiting for help, she spurred her horse into a fast gallop, leaving the stable hands stunned at such unusual actions.


This is not finish. Critiques are welcomed. I hope you enjoy! Writergirl

youre story is very good, you could use a little tiny bit more description, but you really dont have too, its allready very good!

Lyndzi

Hey, I think this version is better in its more detailed explanation and lack of lack thereof. A couple of specifics:

It sort of seems like you're contradicting yourself in the first paragraph, because you say she realized she likes him for the first time, and then you say that "every time he looked at her" her knees go weak, etc. So how long has she liked him? How long has she felt this way when he looked at her? Just a thought.

His eyes roamed over her.

I think this made sense last time, but now that they're "crouching"... isn't it sort of hard for his eyes to roam over here if she's a very compact ball of matter?

I think you should start a new paragraph where in paragraph three is says "Catalina sighed". And then another new paragraph when she starts talking might be good too.

The sun shone brightly upon the crystal clear stream running through the entire forest. Every animal around usually chose this stop to drink, which is why Caden had insisted that they would watch this spot.

"is" should probably be "was" because you're in past tense in the story.

She heard him heave a heavy sigh. “You know I can’t help but worry about you, Cat. After all, you are like a sister to me. And doesn’t a brother have the right to worry?”

OMG, I just realized what this reminds me of! Have you seen the movie of Ella Enchanted? There's this one part near the beginning where the uncle of of the prince (who is the king because the dad is dead) says, "Besides, I promised your father that I'd take care of you... and the kingdom. And, well... I've kept my promise, haven't I?" And, of course, the uncle turns out to be evil and a murderer in the end. . Of course, that's just my association...

Question: Can you tell from a glance that it's a gelding and not a stallion? I don't know anything about horses, thought, so don't ask me anything...

Question: When Cat wakes up in the inn, why doesn't she ask the owner (or whoever) if Caden's come back yet? It seems sort of pointless to rush off to somewhere if you don't even know that the person is there...

Observation: When Cat's bossing around the people in the stable, she seems very calm and controlled (or, rather, her word choice does), and yet she's giving supposedly irrational commands and not bothering to explain.

Maybe you could have her be more brisk and less wordy when she says that? For example, instead of "at once" she could say "now" . And in the last paragraph, you could have her say something like "I don't have time for this," or "Fine, don't, I'll do it myself". Or at least have her use contractions -- no one bothers to speak without apostraphes when they're short of temper.

So, overall, me likes. I'll watch for the rest. .

Well, I think the first part was better written, to be honest. You really took your time with it, and let it be its own. The addition, while its basic premise is good, needs to be fleshed out a little more. How does she know Caden isn't back? Why is she panicked and yet calm? Don't worry; you can create a sense of urgency without rushing the prose, which, no offense, is what I feel from this. Don't get me wrong, I really like the story, I just think you're not letting yourself write to your full ability. Add some more description of the scene, especially to your protag's reaction to her missing boyfriend, and it will be much better.

And, anyone who knows anything about love knows that its feelings are very strange, unpredictable, and unknowable. So it is perfectly reasonable that your protag could have accepted her love for this guy and still feel weak in the knees for him, especially if their love isn't fully requitted yet. Also, the second to last paragraph, "at such unusual actions," kinda comes off as forced, and rather intrusive. It would be more natural if couched in simpler terms, say, "The stablehands were surprised at her uncharacteristic behavior." I don't know, maybe that's not simpler, but it seems more . . . succinct? Such unusual actions just feels, eh, I dunno. Lol. I don't like it.

But yeah, polish up the description, especially reaction-wise, and it'll be a solid read. Well done!

Hey, Writergirl. Great job on getting things started so fast. I love how you quickly laid out the fact that there will be action and romance. It makes it easy for someone who's just leafing threw story's to quickly see if this is one they want to read.
A couple of minor misteaks I found were as follows:
...That’s my father’s job remember!”
I think you were trying to make this a little flirty, but it came out as a
command. For 'flirty,' try: "That's my father's job, remember?"

Catalina peeled her eyes...
I don't like this, because it reminds me when a cartoon takes his face off
the road once he's been ran over. It's just a funny way to say it.

...and all the leaves had already turned the familiar colors;
try saying 'turned their familiar colors.' I think it just sounds a bit more
poetic.

...insisted that they would watch this spot.
This is really wordy. I think you could get away with just saying: 'insisted
they watch this spot'

"...The next morning, Cat’s muscles ached from the hard riding. She
could feel her head pounding. She groaned and looked at the clock."
All of these sentences are short, and it makes you seem really repetitive
when you say 'Cat, She,' and then 'she' again. Try combining a couple
sentenses. Like: 'The next morning, Cat's muscles ached from the hard
riding. She could feel her head pounding as she groaned to look at the
clock

With that, she turned toward the tack room, picked up a saddle, saddle
pad, and bridle, and chose a fast, reliable horse.
One 'and' per sentence please. If you take out the 'and' between pad and
bridle, It'll make it flow more smoothly I think.

So, good job on the story as a whole. I love where it's going. The only thing I could find wronge with it were the wording on a few sentences. Good Job, and I'll be following this one.

Bonjour!

His grey eyes held wisdom far beyond his seventeen years. His blond hair moved with the wind as if it had a life of its own.

Because I'm going to try and make you an awesome writer, I'm going to stab this. *stabs* Don't describe your characters like this, it stops the action all together. describe them during action. Eye color is the hardest to do, because you don't do much with your eyes other than look at things, and close them, so I usually don't mention eye color. But hair is an easy one.

"He pushed his blond hair out of his eyes." this keeps the action going and doesn't stop the story at all, its very subtle and your readers won't notice it as much (but still like the information)

You can also keep in mind that we don't always need physical descriptions of your characters. People tend to just out for eye color/hair color, but sometimes picking things that are less obvious (like a mole on the side of the face, or something) will give your character more character. Or providing us with less information about how they look lets the reader imagine it for themselves, which you have to be really good with doing; you can either give too much information, and info dump, or give so little that was can't get a feel for your characters. of course a "Feel" for your characters can be brought out through things other than looks. And I just talked a lot about one thing...

“Now, hunting is a very delicate sport,” he said while they were crouched in the bushes waiting for something to appear

I've done this a few times, but I usually suggest against doing it. (I think it some cases you can get away with it and in others you can't) don't add action to dialog tags, kind of slows things down. And that way the action can have its own sentence and you can make it...a prettier sentence? Not that its an ugly sentence. I'm just rambly tonight.

Catalina sighed. He was always doing this. Just because he was two years older than her did not mean that she couldn’t take care of herself. On the contrary, Cat was an amazing fighter and held her own in most battles. Of course, she had never been to war, but she could still fight anyone who challenged her.

OH GOSH INFO DUMP! Hee, Why not do this? Cut this out. Show us the stuff about Catalina (How she doesn't like him always doing this, and how she thinks she can take care of herself) through dialog, or even through physical gestures. As for the other info? Just cut it out. It's not really that important, right? No one likes dumps like these, as little as this one may be.

“I thought we had been over this. I will be perfectly fine!”
Catalina said trying for a light tone, “So, stop stewing. That’s my father’s job remember!"

See! This quote totally captures exactly what you said before. You should also put Catalina talking in the same paragraph, unless you have better reason. I don't really like the "said trying for a light tone" thing you put there. We don't always need dialog tags, sometimes it works better without.

The scene was quite breath taking.

Cliche! *dies*

It was fall, and all the leaves had already turned the familiar colors; red, gold, and yellow.

should that semicolon be a colon?

She heard him heave a heavy sigh.

oh wow. I just had to pick at this. You have "hea" three times. Heard is okay, but "heave" and "heavy" so close together don't work. Just say that he heaved a sigh. Doesn't matter how heavy it is

Not knowing what his fate would be, she shook her head.

this is kind of confusing. You could say it so much simpler. "Not knowing what he was doing, she refused." saying 'his fate' is confusing. (for me X_X)

Without even undressing, she pushed the annoyance away and fell into bed.

if you really want to keep that 'even' change it to 'without so much as'

This looked a lot like the original, not much changed? This piece fights between modern day and medieval fantasy, you should fix that so we actually know what is going on. I'm not exactly sure what to pick at, though I know your action was a bit...slow ish. And the narrative with Cat worrying wasn't working much for me either, though I'm not sure what advice I could give you for fixing it up...Maybe be less direct? It's assumed she would worry; right? Yeah, sometimes I'm bad at giving advice...

I can't really come up with what to say about the overall piece. You are not a bad writer, but the story itself just needs some cleaning up. It needs some pazaz? And I'm a bad person at describing how to add pazaz! I think it's something you learn after a while. I was kind of put off by how much this looked like the original to me....But, that might just be me?

I hope this helped. I feel like I didn't help! Just rambled a lot.

Clau got some good stuff here. The ending felt too rushed. For the first part, they're crouching, waiting, talking, and you're describing stuff in a leisurely fashion. Fine. But suddenly it's, "Wow, look! Two riders! Panic overload! Must get the female cum M/C to safety - fast!"

Why's Caden worried about the riders? When I read that bit, I was going, "Huh? Two horses, right. Big deal!"

Cat rides off, absolutely terrified by what hasn't even happened yet.

And the horse had had, what, twelve hours to recover from being ridden hard. Wouldn't it be fit enough for Cat to ride the next morning, unless she's broken its wind or something?

I'm not being totally negative. It was very well written, and you simply need a bit of polishing up, that's all.

I'd be careful about Cat, though. You're making her brave - fine, able - great, defiant - nothing wrong with that. But too many Mary-Sues have these qualities as well. "Spunky" is the word that sums all this up; too many Sues are spunky, and although there's nothing wrong with that in itself, you might want to be careful.

He was always doing this. Just because he was two years older than her did not mean that she couldn’t take care of herself. On the contrary, Cat was an amazing fighter and held her own in most battles. Of course, she had never been to war, but she could still fight anyone who challenged her.

There's so much telling in here. Maybe you could have her amazing fighting skills shown later, or have her think something like:

As if! I'm a great warrior! or something like that.

Speaking of which, when she's thinking something, you can put it in italics if you want. And the pace of the story is uneven. First everything's slow and nice, and then she's riding off. Maybe slow it down with description, or Cat puzzling over what's going on.

Anyways, it was interesting, keep up the good work!

Good, good! I liked it...interesting. I take it there must be a reason it's called Never Been Kissed? Is it Fantasy Romance, then?

Anyway, I agree with what the others said, and I really enjoyed it. You should definitely continue this. Although it takes a lot of work to turn out and finish a good story, I think this story has the potential to be really good. Keep it up!

lol...that was a little pointless, huh? You're probably thinking, "Oh please, enough with the corny peptalks." Oh, well. Somebody has to give them, right?

Adios, amiga! ~