Visitors

This is a carefree piece I wrote. It has no rhyme and is meant to help me practice writing in iambic tetrameter. (four feet of unstressed-stressed). I know it's not perfect in some places. Any help in smoothing those spots out would be nice.

Visitors

Twilight, the dawn is breaking now.
I see--a squirrel, a bird, a hare.
They come each day, same time, same way,
all three to my awaiting eyes.

The squirrel, he comes for nuts and brags.
He chatters; then, along he runs
to all his fellow, bushy tails
and says the best at life is he.

The bird, she comes to "chick-a-dee"
her song to all the waking world.
How lovely, kindly, sweet is she?
But be I wise to bring her seed.

The hare, is he a nervous one,
with nose atwitch and ears erect.
My fruit he eats, and flowers too.
Say not a word or he'll away!

And if the time is just so right,
there might appear a single doe.
Her eyes, are dewy, open wide.
She listens as I drink and watch.

The sun is up; it warms the sky,
and soon my friends will all go off.
I guess it's time to go to work.
Just wish that leaving didn't hurt.

Okay, I understand that this is a light-hearted and, I am guessing nothing more than your thoughts on paper, because that's exactly what it seems like. There is no really poetic feel about it, it is just a recounting of what you saw in a slightly more entertaining way.

Though it has no real appeal to me personally, it I can see it appealing to children. I like the personification of the animals though it has been done before. Again, it might not appeal to anyone older than seven, it's good if that is your target audience.

Overall it's cute and light-hearted, a good reminder of what most of us don't bother to take the time and appreciate. It does it's job in telling a short but sweet story. Though not my cup of tea, good job.

But one thing thing though small, that really gets me is the title. It's so plain, and doesn't fit the poem that well.

I think it's cute, and I certainly could never writing in iambic pentameter. >_<

A few lines didn't really... sound right:

But be I wise to bring her seed.

I'm no sure what you mean?

Say not a word or he'll away!

"he'll away" is what sounds odd, but I'm not real sure what you could change it to. You might have to change the line all together.

It was a real good practice of iambic pentameter, and as far as I know, it was right. But the problem is that you're so concerned with the meters that some lines don't entirely make sense. You shouldn't let the style overrun meaning, IMO.

I'd get into criticizing how you tell too much and I really didn't care for the subject, etc, etc, but I think I'll just leave it be since you said this was a practice of iambic pentameter. If I was just reading this as a general poem though, I probably wouldn't like it. Not much meaning behind animals and all, hm? If you want me to go in depth with all that, I will, but for now I won't.

The only obvious error in the iambic tetramater is that 'squirrel' has two syllables, even if you mostly say it 'squirl', so that it throws off the form a little bit in every line where it appears. It's a small variation that you could get away with if you were writing a serious poem in iambic tetrameter, because stress/syllables can differ by region and if something is meant to be said aloud, that gives a little bit of 'wiggle room'.

My main problem with this - beyond the content, because I'm with Clau and kristy here though that's not the point - is that a lot of the lines are forced for the rhythm. Formal rhythm should make language a shelf above 'natural'; it should sound natural while sounding metered and restrained. It can be a tricky balance, but that's what you're aiming for.

Forced/distended lines:

and says the best at life is he.
But be I wise to bring her seed.
The hare, is he a nervous one

these the words are all out of order; you get some liscence to change things around but not the point where the reader goes "what"?

And if the time is just so right,

a lot of this line is "filler"; 'just so' as a description is something you want to avoid like the plague in poetry, because it takes up space without lending substance.