Hidden strangers (bored in class)

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Moonlight shone brightly on the picturesque scenery of the garden. Bright colours paled in its light. A small shadow moved silently, out of place in this lunar lamp. It kept to the outsides quiet, inconspicuous, hiding from the ones that would hurt it. This shadow was a man, hiding from the guards of the quiet haven. He snuck around, heading for a small door in the garden wall. He stepped silently, taking quick glances over his shoulder. Moving quickly he reached the door. He opened it quietly and winced as its hinges squeaked. The guards turned but he'd already melted through, into the shadows. The door closed silently behind him and was regarded as wind.

The man was in, where he was meant to be. No light. Darkness enveloped him, enclosing him and concealing him. Perfect. Stairs led up and away from him. He moved quickly to the edge, sidling swiftly up, lingering was foolish. The stairs were dusty, unused and neglected, a passage unwanted by the people that surrounded it. the man thanked someone for that small blessing, throwing the comment out to emptiness.

A small sound reached his attentive ears, a whisper of noise, barely noticeable. scurrying footsteps muttered along the walls, coming closer. The man froze, too determined to move, he wasn't going to mess this up. the sound stopped, just short of where he stood, he looked down and saw a mouse, tiny and unimportant. He let his breath go and continued up, relieved that the mouse was all it had been. He suddenly realised that the mouse was following him, keeping back and away, unaware that its presence was noticed. He kept moving, slowere steadily, making sure that his companion could keep up. If it wanted to follow, what did he care? He was about to find out.

A door opened to his side and a hand snaked out and pulled him in. the mouse slipped in just as the door snapped shut.
Last edited by Tamora on Thu Jun 28, 2007 8:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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He kept moving, slowere steadily, making sure that his companion could keep up.


'slowere'?


It was really nice, I admire the description. :)
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

When you're being nice to your character, you're being bad to your book.




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I really liked tis. It flowed really well and i thought that the small sentences added lots of suspense to it and made it more interesting. I like how you kept the mans appearance a 'secret' because he was always in shadows.

Fantastic! :D


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I noticed your sub-heading. So I'll get in trouble if it ends up it's in the wrong section? lmao. Nice. :lol: You already know what I think of this.
*pokes* you should write more I can tear apart lmao!
Nah, they're good. lol. Honestly.
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I like this piece, it's interesting and quite descriptive. You should certainly add some more. Other than correcting the mistake that flytodreams pointed out, I have only one suggestion -

He moved quickly to the edge, sidling swiftly up, lingering was foolish.

Here, I think it would be better if you wrote 'He moved quickly to the edge, sidling swiftly up; lingering was foolish.'

Just a minor thought. A nice piece of writing though so well done.
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