Yours Truly

Yours truly


Whenever he looked at me I would always smile,
I pick up the phone and am about to dial
When my cell goes off I listen to hear
My friend tells me his end is near
I loved him more than he could ever know
and now, sadly, its his time to go
I never got to tell him how i truly feel
but now i will just give him flowers of teal
I want to tell him I loved him so,
but now my love for him will not cease to grow.
I hope he knows this poems for him
I will love you forever, yours truly Kim.

You used a very simple rhyme theme, which Fand once called Bubblegum rhyming, because its so simple. Any one could come up with those rhymes. You have no rhythm, either [meaning that the lines have a pattern in syllable count] and it is my opinion that poems that rhyme sound that much better if they also have rhythm.

The feelings you present are given to me in such a flat manner that I can't feel anything. You're just telling us what is happening.

You're new to poetry? I'm guessing so. I have some suggestions then. For one, read more poetry. This is the greatest thing you can do to help yourself Read poems on the forum, read the critiques as well so you can find what makes a good poem and what doesn't. Read poems by Incandescence, Fand, Caligulas_Launderette, three of the best poets on our site. Get some books on poetry, learn what makes up basic poetry. Poems take a lot of work, it's hard to get good at writing them, but if you just keep trying, eventually you'll figure it out.

nightmarebook13 wrote:Yours truly


A. Whenever he looked at me I would always smile,
A. I pick up the phone and am about to dial
B. When my cell goes off I listen to hear
B. My friend tells me his end is near
C. I loved him more than he could ever know
C. and now, sadly, its his time to go
D. I never got to tell him how i truly feel
D. but now i will just give him flowers of teal
E. I want to tell him I loved him so,
E. but now my love for him will not cease to grow.
F. I hope he knows this poems for him
F. I will love you forever, yours truly Kim.

Don't get me wrong, it's a sweet poem, but you need to add more metaphors and similes. It will make the poem stand out more and the reader will be able to visualize it better and more vividly.

The other thing I was thinking while reading it was the rhyme scheme. It's a simple AABBCCDDEEFF. You should mix it up more to make it more interesting.

Always room for improvement

This poem was cute. That's not necessarily a good thing but I think it is here. The rhyme is really simplistic and a few sounded forced like 'teal' but you'll get better at that, I'm sure. Perhaps try and expand your vocabulary and it wouldn't hurt to experiment with a regular rhythm. That often helps to structure poems and, as Claudette mentioned, it goes hand in hand with rhyme.

Other than that, I like the contrast with the themes of love and suicide.

thank you! i love poems with some type of ryhme... any suggestions? and same with the vocab , and potry books . which ones should i try?

thank you