You love me

You love me

You love me so.
Everyday I watch you stumble around those words.
Watch them roll across your tongue.
Watch you bite them back.

Three little words,
Why are they so hard for you to say?
Why do they choke you so?
Just tell me how you feel.

I love you too.
See that wasn’t so hard now, was it?
Those words don’t have to choke you today.
If I can do it, so can you.

But still, everyday, I see it in your eyes.
You stutter, You stumble,
Choking on those words,
And yet you never spit them out.

Eh... I've read many, many poems extremely similar to this.

Try to take the topic in a new direction, why couldn't he say it back? Did he even really love you? Also, I can somewhat see the emotion you tried to put in this, but I don't feel it myself. Try rereading this from a reader's perspective. Does it make you feel anything? Try to get me to care about this nameless people, to care about this situation; make me relate. Also, this seems rather navel-gazey; that is, it's all focused on you, the writer. It's even written in first person. For now, my advice would be to try to rewrite this in third person, using imagery and more descriptions to try and get the reader to relate, and thus to care,

Good luck!
~Ed

Meh.

Sorry but it wasn't much to me either. I liked it and it was nice but it's been done. A bit repetitive and your flow stumbles quite often. No real rhythm.

I have to admit that it was rather unoriginal and the 'three words' theme sort of irked me but the emotions are there and the flow is reasonable.

My suggestion would be to hang onto the theme that he can't express his love but do it in a unique way. Show us the emotions that the persona feels but also show us his, show us what he's afraid of and expand on your use of language.

blonde&confused wrote:You love me so.

Why do they choke you so?

Either you're stuck in the 1500's or John Lennon rose up from his grave and wrote this poem for you. Nobody talks like that. You don't expect your audience to believe there's emotion here when you're speaking straight out of Hamlet.

I felt like you could have done more with this. Especially here:

"Three little words,
Why are they so hard for you to say?
Why do they choke you so?
Just tell me how you feel."

To me, there just seemed like so much possibility for emotion here. Opportunity for peer pressure. But I didn't feel a thing. This might be a neat image if you expand on it:

"Choking on those words,
And yet you never spit them out."

Also here, with words like choking and spit paired with words like bite and choke from earlier in the poem, it makes me think that this poem is supposed to be more angry or spiteful than weepy, but like I said, I didn't really think or feel anything as a result of this poem, so I would tend more towards sappy and weepy at the moment.

I think tighten it up a little in the emotions/images department and there'll be improvement.

it's a pretty orinary love poem with not much originality. the meter is also not up to the mark .

In its own right, I don't think there's anything seriously wrong with this. I think the theme was simple, and you wrote in accordance with that. Yes, it really isn't all that original, but to combat that you'd need to scrap the whole thing and start again, listening to your gut more, which would be an interesting exercise.
I don't like the use of the word "so." It sounds forced, and doesn't fit in with the register. It is what it is, but if you want it to be more powerful and vivid, if you want to really get people to relate, and feel what you're feeling here, you'll have to take a new approach. Whence makes some good suggestions on this.
If this was intended as gentle coaxing and vague musings alone, then it does its job and I think, in that case, it can be left alone (just check the "so"s!).

there are a lot of unanswered questions that you might seem to think are obvious to the reader like, did her love her?, were they dating?, why is it so hard for him and so easy for you? i personally am having trouble with all of the same things lol but it just needs to be more clear and the other thing was... were you going for rhymes or not?