The Tribe

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Once upon an ancient past a seed was buried and from that very seed sprouted a sapling. The tree grew large and tall, a true giant. One day a forceful gale toppled this magnificent plant, and it was taken over by many sorts of decomposers. Even in death this giant completed its calling and spread its vast amount of seeds over the surrounding ground. They too took root, and spread over the whole area. Thus many years later the place became known as the ancient forest…



The tall, magnificent, giants of trees concealed the walking figure in their vastness. His stride was long and confident, though his eyes were constantly roaming the surrounding forest for any signs of danger. He was a young man of average height, with brown hair that covered his ears, and he wore a typical forest cloak; green, thick, and long. The rest of his clothing was also typical; a short tunic, soft hide boots, and a leather belt. To the casual observer there was nothing strange about him. Unknown to this watcher would be the man’s long dagger, quiver, and bow, all expertly concealed beneath the long cloak.

His name was Ricar and he was one of the few members of the Tribe. There were about twenty of them and their home was in what they called Camp Brook, located deep in the new forest (smaller and younger trees than the ancient forest where Ricar was) by a small, bubbling brook. They were experts in the forest and served as protectors for the nearby fort.
Ricar looked up into the clear vaults of the early spring sky and spotted the thin tendril of smoke winding its way up into the blue void. The air didn’t smell like smoke, he was too far away for that, but it was nothing that a brisk walk couldn’t take care of. He slowed down and mentally calculated the distance to the strange fire. It was early and by the time he walked back to the fort and then to the fire, it would be about dark – just right…



Celn was a tall man; strong and fit for his age. He was not old though, only middle aged. His black hair waved slightly in the soft spring morning breeze as he stood looking over the surrounding forest. He was on top of a tall palisade wall, surrounding a cluster of strong log buildings. There was a large gate seemingly carved out of the thick wooden wall, facing the forest path. A large clearing spread out from the fort and most of the clearing, at least behind the fort, was cultivated for farming.

The sound of a quick jogger reached Celn’s ears and he motioned for the gatekeeper to open the twin doors. He could make out the shape of Ricar approaching and smiled as the young man hailed him. He sensed someone walking up behind him and turned around to see his young friend Tor. Tor was the same age as Ricar and looked not too much different. He was taller than Ricar, with brown, slightly curly hair and sharp green eyes. He nodded to Celn and waved at his friend Ricar. Ricar motioned for him and he quickly descended the ladder from the battlements.

“Did you see the smoke?” asked Ricar.

“Yeah; you checked it out?” inquired Tor with a twinkle in his eye.

“Of course! And you know what?”

“Nomads?”

“No, mercenaries!”

“Hmm…” said Tor thoughtfully, “wonder what they’re doing here? How many?”

“Many. Maybe a hundred or so!”

Tor whistled.

“Okay, give me a minute.” Tor turned around and jogged towards his parent’s house. He quickly came out dressed in the same way as Ricar with a beautiful dirk, hidden at his side, and a long lethal bow strapped onto his back with a quiver. His long green cloak flapped behind him in the gentle spring breeze as he made his way to the stables. He entered his favorite place in the whole fort with the smell of fresh hay in his nostrils. An eager whinny broke the silence. Tor approached his long time steed and friend with admiration, for the horse never failed to impress him. Its strong flanks and wide shoulders showed through his glossy coat, and its long, shining black mane.
He mounted bareback and rode out the open stable doors. He met Ricar outside and saw that he had gotten himself a young stallion to ride. So, they rode out yelling back to Celn to keep guard, leaving him bewildered and confused; but he was used to it…



Sagoth was angry. His men were restless and their business was scarce. He had been successful in the south and had raised a big group of mercenaries around him. They fought for a large sum and had defeated their ‘enemies’ quickly and efficiently, but then it was over. He and his men moved on in wealth and fame and, at the start, had gotten numerous offers for their service. Even still none of the jobs had been big enough to make any good money, for the threat was defeated, so they had moved on. What Sagoth wanted was another war…



Tor was watching. He had concealed himself well in a bush and was checking out the situation. The big man, Sagoth he found out, was the leader. They seemed like a normal band of mercenaries except for their gear. They had much ‘loot’ which would be owned by a bandit, not a mercenary. Neither Tor nor Ricar liked the looks of them and finally decided that they were most likely a threat. The mercenaries looked like they needed work and with their numbers the plentiful fort would be a tempting target.

Tor quickly stepped out of the bush and approached the tent were he had last seen Sagoth. He snuck forward and slipped under the flap with his dirk out. Sagoth turned and started as he saw the young man. His face was cruel and jagged, but he was also strong and wore a large axe on his back.

“Who are you?” barked Sagoth.

“A person. Now go back a ways down this path and you’ll see a northerly path; you probably passed it on the way here.” said Tor. “Take it!”

“Why do you want us to leave?! Who are you?”

“Go now or die!” whispered Tor. He tapped the large man twice, quickly on the back of the head, and slipped out of the tent. Tor knew the man would recover soon and most likely would not heed the warning, but Tor had done it for his conscious’ sake. At least the man was warned and would have no excuse if he continued down the path now.

The fort could be defended, but not against so many, and the added number of the Tribe would not make the difference. Still, if the Tribe were able to use their ‘skills’ in the forest; then they could make a difference. Tor approached the place he had arranged to meet Ricar and found him waiting there. Ricar was tired from his first investigation of the mercenary camp so Tor mounted and started to Camp Brook…



The Tribe was ready. They had been warned by Celn and had simply jogged towards the smoke as did Ricar. Their weapons were varied and well taken care of and all of them were armed with both ranged and melee weapons. The men wore the typical forest clothing with the long capes and all. Tor joined them out of no where and whispered out the situation to the leader. The man got the idea of the layout and spread his fellow Tribe’s men in various locations beside the path.

“If the mercenaries are coming it won’t be long,” whispered the tribe’s man as he slipped into the brush. Ricar slid into position beside Tor and gave him a big wink.

“Did you have fun?” asked Tor with a smirk.

“It got boring after a while so I picked off a few just for kicks,” said Ricar dryly, “that is after they sent a troop of men to hunt you down.”

Tor strung his bow carefully and notched a long straight arrow. He waited, loosening the dirk in its sheath just in case. The far off plod of marching feet reached his ears and he glanced out of concealment. The mercenaries were too far to see and he could not distinguish any of the other Tribe’s men. No one ever could.

The marchers came closer and soon the clanking of their weapons and armor was audible. They seemed to be quite heavily armed which would be a big advantage in attacking the fort; hopefully they wouldn’t get there. They came even closer. Then came a quiet call, just a small bird chirping at the disturbance of the quiet evening. It didn’t bother the mercenaries, but Tor knew better. The signal was set and the pieced in place.

He leaped up from the soft forest ground and lifted his bow. The surprise was complete and the Tribe’s first volley of arrows took down about fifteen of them and wounded a few others. His arrow took a man in the neck so forcefully that it went straight through and struck the shoulder of another. The casualties did not do much to their number, so they were quickly ready for the second wave; it never came. They could have searched the forest up and down with Sagoth egging them on the entire time, but it would not have helped. The Tribe had disappeared, vanished into trees darkening with the coming of night…



Tor’s horse quickened its pace with the sound of water in its ears. The men who surrounded him were all tired and many wary of their next move, for the enemy’s numbers were great. However, all of them were capable of the job and their first attack had gone well. The enemies would be better prepared for another such attack and that would slightly hinder the Tribe, but no more. Tor knew they could pull it off again in relative safety.
Ricar rode beside Tor and told him of the founding of the Tribe and the start of Camp Brook. Tor had heard it all before but didn’t interrupt his friend’s narrative for it was of great interest to him. He was not born into the Tribe, as most of its members were, but was born in the Fort and joined as young child; so, Camp Brook was like a second home to him.
They approached the old gnarled oak that marked the camp with reverence, for it had stood through many more storms than they. Its voluminous roots had provided shelter for them many a year, for the camp rested directly below the primitive giant. The door was concealed in some brush and lay in between the two of the large roots protruding from the colossus. The weary men entered, ate, and slept; preparing themselves and their weapons for the day to come…



A bird call resonated through the forest and the Tribe rose. They were positioned on both sides of the path and had come prepared for an attack on the camp. Most of the mercenaries were just getting up and the rest were asleep. The sentries’ eyes were primarily on the camp and the distraction gave time for the Tribe’s knives to do the rest. They aimed their arrows at the enemies and fired. The attack took the camp unawares, once again, and gave the Tribe a chance for another shot. The second round of arrows did not do as well as the first but took care of the stragglers.

Sagoth quickly got the mercenaries regrouped and they charged into the forest where most of the arrows had come from. Quickly a group stationed on the other side of the path fired into the enemies’ backs and then fell farther back into cover. The mercenaries searched around a bit and then started their long march along the path to the Fort. Every time one of them let down their guard, even if only for a second, they were shot by an arrow. The Tribe harassed them all along the path, and their numbers lessened one by one.

Finally, the mercenaries saw the Fort. They, leaving the safety of the forest, marched quickly to it. Celn was ready, and all the men in the Fort were arrayed on the walls armed with many different kinds of weapons. Sagoth looked back and saw the Tribe standing ready at the forest’s edge. He turned his gaze forward and saw Celn pointing to the right. The mercenaries looked and saw a path leading away...They took it.
Last edited by greenjay on Wed Jun 20, 2007 12:47 am, edited 2 times in total.
the greenjay strikes again...




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Once upon an ancient past a seed was buried and from that very seed sprouted a sapling. The tree grew large and tall, a true giant. One day a forceful gale toppled this magnificent plant, and it was taken over by many sorts of decomposers. Even in death this giant completed its calling and spread its vast amount of seeds over the surrounding ground. They too took root, and spread over the whole area. Thus many years later the place became known as the ancient forest…


-I like this beginning, but I also feel that it was a little rushed, maybe a bit of work on this bit could benefit the whole piece?

- Again the second paragraph is good, especially the first sentence

- Other than that I really liked this, a great start! You have developed your aharacters well already, I find that in lot's of the beginning of stories that the characters don't get too much attention, but you did well!

I hope to see more? There will be more right?

Meevs
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Well that was interesting. Reminded me of Dragonheart... I have no idea why. :? Funky plot!

So anyway, the story was well written enough, couple of grammer mistakes here and of course though, but nothing serious. There were a couple of points I'll mention though.

They seemed to be quite heavily armed which would be a big advantage in attacking the fort; hopefully they wouldn’t get there


This didn't make sense to me... Is it because they would have been too slow to move or something? If so, might be an idea to write that down.

The mercenaries were yet too far to see and he could not see any of the other Tribe’s men.


This had me completely lost. Just make the sentance a little simpler, with something like 'The mercinaries were not in sight yet, and neither were the other Tribe's men.'

That's all really, or else I forgot what I was going to see. Keep at it!

Much love

Arch xxx
Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy... they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird. -- To Kill a Mocking Bird - Harper Lee




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Thanks for your comments. Sadly this is just a random short story I wrote and I'm busy with a novel, so no there won't be more. But there will be plenty more stories like it. I'll work on my wording too (I like to use big weird words and say things weirdly but tend to over do it :P). Excuse the bad grammar; I don't like English class. Thanks for your comments though.
Last edited by greenjay on Wed Sep 05, 2007 7:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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This was good. I liked it. I do think it was a little quick though. It was really good and I enjoyed it a lot. :D
OREGONGIRL




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Thanks for the critiques! I thought I'd return the favor. :P

____

greenjay wrote:Once upon an ancient past a seed was buried and from that very seed sprouted a sapling. The tree grew large and tall, a true giant. One day a forceful gale toppled this magnificent plant, and it was taken over by many sorts of decomposers. Even in death this giant completed its calling and spread its vast amount of seeds over the surrounding ground. They too took root, and spread over the whole area. Thus many years later the place became known as the ancient forest…


Like miyaviloves said, this does feel very rushed. Maybe you should expand it, possibly making it a prologue? Maybe you could have a conversaton between two people in which they reveal this information. I don't know, but this info. would benefit from being interwoven throughout some action sequence (doesn't have to be violent, I just mean make something interesting happen) because I know I'm going to completely forget this stuff once the juicy stuff starts happening.

greenjay wrote:The tall, magnificent giants of trees concealed the walking figure in their vastness.


Eh, I'm not sure you need "in their vastness". You've already established that they are BIG, so you don't need to reiterate it by using the word vastness.

greenjay wrote:His stride was long and confident, though his eyes were constantly roaming the surrounding forest for any signs of danger. He was a young man of average height, with brown hair that covered his ears, and he wore a typical forest cloak; green, thick, and long. The rest of his clothing was also typical; a short tunic, soft hide boots, and a leather belt. To the casual observer there was nothing strange about him. Unknown to this watcher would be the man’s long dagger, quiver, and bow, all expertly concealed beneath the long cloak.

His name was Ricar and he was one of the few members of the Tribe. There were about twenty of them and their home was in what they called Camp Brook, located deep in the new forest (smaller and younger trees than the ancient forest where Ricar was) by a small, bubbling brook. They were experts in the forest and served as protectors for the nearby fort.
Ricar looked up into the clear vaults of the early spring sky and spotted the thin tendril of smoke winding its way up into the blue void. The air didn’t smell like smoke, he was too far away for that, but it was nothing that a brisk walk couldn’t take care of. He slowed down and mentally calculated the distance to the strange fire. It was early and by the time he walked back to the fort and then to the fire, it would be about dark – just right…


Celn was a tall man; strong and fit for his age. He was not old though, only middle aged. His black hair waved slightly in the soft spring morning breeze as he stood looking over the surrounding forest. He was on top of a tall palisade wall, surrounding a cluster of strong log buildings. There was a large gate seemingly carved out of the thick wooden wall, facing the forest path. A large clearing spread out from the fort and most of the clearing, at least behind the fort, was cultivated for farming.


Alright, to be completely honest with you, these first few paragraphs bored me to death. Description, description.....yes, you need it, but not in the beginning of a story. You want your reader to be hooked, right? Start with action, not this bland description of your main character. Had I picked this up at a bookstore I would have stopped reading by the end of this first part. AFTER you establish a hook with your reader, THEN you can delve into some description, making sure to SHOW and not simply tell us what everything looks like.

greenjay wrote:His long green cloak (similar to Ricar’s) flapped behind him in the gentle spring breeze as he made his way to the stables.


Again, this is a bit redundant. You said he came out dressed like Ricar already, so you can cut the part in parenthesis.

greenjay wrote:A loud whinny broke the silence with its eagerness.


The way you worded this is slightly awkward. Maybe if you went with "An eager whinny broke the silence," it would read a bit better.

greenjay wrote:Tor approached his long time steed and friend with awe, for the horse never failed to impress him.


With awe? If this is his horse then he probably has spent a lot of time with him. I don't think I'd be awed at something I'm so familiar with. Maybe "admiration" would be a better alternative.

greenjay wrote:He met Ricar outside and saw that he had gotten himself a young strong stallion to ride.


The two consecutive adjectives seem to break the flow here. I'm pretty sure either one by itself would be enough.

greenjay wrote:Sagoth was angry. His men were restless and their business was scarce. He had been successful in the south and had raised a big group of mercenaries around him. They fought for a large sum and had defeated their ‘enemies’ quickly and efficiently, but then it was over. He and his men moved on in wealth and fame and, at the start, had gotten numerous offers for their service. Even still none of the jobs had been big enough to make any good money, for the threat was defeated, so they had moved on. What Sagoth wanted was another war…


Uh...what just happened? Is this another scene? You should make some kind of noticeable break when switching scenes, or then things tend to get confusing.

greenjay wrote:“Who are you?” barked Sagoth roughly.


"Barked" is quite enought to get Sagoth's tone across. "roughly" is just extra to me.

greenjay wrote:The Tribe was ready!


Eek, exclamation marks in fiction. I wouldn't use them. It takes away the power from your words.

greenjay wrote:They came closer and closer and even closer.


Okay, I'm not sure what to say except that this sentence is bad. Very bad. Don't do stuff like this. It doens't create suspense. It doesn't emphazize. It just make the reader go "blah". Just say they came cloer ONCE. That is more than enough. I know, I was like this when I started writing. I would repeat the same thing like ten millions times and my writing suffered. Always be concise.

greenjay wrote:Then came a quiet call, just a small bird chirping at the disturbance of the quiet evening.


Who pays attention to a chirping bird when a battle is about to begin. Who could hear it? Just a thought.

greenjay wrote:He leaped up from the soft forest ground and lifted his bow. The surprise was complete and the Tribe’s first volley of arrows took down about fifteen of them and wounded a few others. His arrow took a man in the neck so forcefully that it went straight through and struck the shoulder of another. The casualties did not do much to their number, so they were quickly ready for the second wave; it never came.


Very short. You are building suspense and then cutting it down before we can realize what the hecks happening.

____

As for the story as a whole, very interesting! You have great diction, and your characters are very distinct and have cool names to boot. All in all a great piece, and I hope you can take something away from my comments. :D

Keep writing,
Tony




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Hey thanks! I edited it some, but did not re-write the first part. I know it needs it but I'm to lazy and am busy on my novel :P. Thanks!

-The Green one!
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I can only echo what everyone else has said. The first bit needs changing because it's a bit rushed and the story is a bit short but overall it is really good. It's a pity that there isn't anymore.

~ Shadowsun :D
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