The Letter

To someone I long to forget,

It’s quiet now that you’re gone.
I longed for this silence,
Yearned for it.
Now I wish it would go away.

Every empty moment reminds me of you,
Memories which grow more and more unbearable,
More and more violent.
I wish they would go away.

Your body left two months ago,
But you did not.
You’re still here in my mind.
And I wish you would go away.

Go away please.

From someone I wish you knew.


(This is still a draft which really needs work but I'm not sure where to take it from here, so opinions would be great)

I don't know what to advise actually. Parts of this poem seem rather repetetive, especially 'go away' and you give the reader so little information. You have to try and either tell a story or show emotions and I'm guessing this piece is supposed to be emotional but in that case it needs to be stronger. Your languagen needs to convey pain to the reader and you need to write this in an original way otherwise it's just another poem about someone who's lost someone else. There's a suggestion of a story behind this -

I longed for this silence,
Yearned for it.

Perhaps you could elaborate on that. Hoped some of this helped,

Heather xx

This poem was OK, but I couldn't really relate to it. Try better word choice, and adding some imagery would really help it. Paint us a picture, and give us some action rather than just describe the feeling. And in all that, have us feel with you--that will really help.

Try engaging the reader more in the poem. You say things like "every empty moment reminds me of you" but you leave out the how of it that can be so much more engaging to read. I like the general premise of this poem, but like I've previously stated, I felt too distant from it. You said that this was currently a draft; I'd like to read it when you've completed it. Could you PM me when you've done so?