The Vampire Kiss

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A soft cough makes the lad look up, and then his eyes widen and he tries to get away from her. The her with a long cape swirling around her booted ankles, the her in a crimson corset and black laces, black fishnet stockings clasp her long legs and the single, white glove on her hand, a splash of colour yet somehow all the more chilling for it. All mortals know and can understand, on an instinctive level, how a vampire is their predator.

“Wh-who are you?” He stammers out, his voice still containing a boyish quality.

“I am either your saviour or your death.” Comes the calm, and somewhat cold reply. A wind blows in through the window, ruffling the pale, pale woman’s long cloak. He shivers violently, rubbing his bare arms in an effort to get warm but she doesn’t notice the cold, or doesn’t seem to.

“What do you mean? H-how did you get in here!”

“You have reached the end of your pitiful existence, one way or the other, the only choice you have really is how you will go.” She replies, extending a white hand, silver in the moonglow from out the barred window. Her eyes dark, fathomless, bottomless to his fearful eyes gazing up at her. “You can join me, accept my gift, reject it to be destroyed by your brethren, or become my meal.” She continues, her full lips moving in her face, black in the moonlight.

He blinked, stunned, but already his mind was processing the information.

He most definitely did not want to die, by any method, so that only left one option, accepting this…gift of hers. “What kind of gift?” he asks suspiciously, slowly standing.

Her lips curve into a triumphant smile, he’s hooked. Now all she has to do is reel him in…”Immortality, of never having to eat cooked meals again, the flesh of any creature, plant or animal. That is the gift I’m offering you.” She murmurs softly, walking towards him, her hand still extended.

“What’s the catch?”

“You’ll never see your friends again, nor the sun.”

“Alright…I guess, it’s not like I’d be missed.” He reaches out and takes her cold hand, hard, like marble. He spares almost a whole second in hesitation once his hand’s in her grip, but then she’s pulling him into her embrace and all else is forgotten.

The vampiress almost purrs, he’s hers! Enfolding her arms around him, she holds his fragile mortality, the brief spark of that flame of life against her immortal coldness, savouring the warmth, the oh so fleeting warmth of life. Then, her grip changes, one cold, slender hand holding his shoulder the other tilting his head to the side, baring his sweet throat to her. Her lips brush down over his cheek, his ear, kissing, caressing the skin of the lad before they settle on the frantically beating pulse in his neck.

He shivers, a faint fission of fear as he realises that she is a lot older than he thought, not in her twenties, but older, ancient, hundreds of years old. Then, the sharp kiss, the pain of her teeth sinking into his neck, puncturing the artery, the drag of her mouth as she draws his blood out of his veins and into her, a much needed and desired meal.

Vision darkening, the lad sways in the immortals grasp, just shy of fainting when her lips and mouth withdraw, leaving the boy standing, stranded as the link that ties him to mortality frays…and then snaps.

He shudders, his mouth releasing her wrist and she seals the wounds, releasing him. He stiffens, back arching, a cry of pain echoing through the prison, a weeping cry of immortal agony as he dies. His muscles spasaming, cramping throughout his body, worse than any cold gut cramp, or dehydrated awakening in the night. Purest of possibility of pain, that any mortal body can withstand shudders through his body, but of course, it is more than he can endure and survive as the nerves in his body shudder, frail, weak and die. His breath seizes in his throat, his lungs tightening, empty of life-giving air and his undulating and echoing scream is cut short, the echoes reverberating off the walls. He shudders, uncontrollable twitching throughout his limbs as he feels his heart stop and the reflex actions in his nerves takes over, spasaming and objecting to the rigid immobility of death.

Yet her hands are there, the vampires, holding his dying body in a warm and firm embrace, supporting as her prey endures the painful and quite frankly, messy ordeal of dying. She releases him only when the body looses control of the excretion and he rids his body of the human waste, the last reminder of his mortality. Shuddering after shedding his mortal life like unwanted skin, he rises, trembling from the floor he runs his tongue curiously over his teeth, gazing up at the beauty before him as a strange new hunger fills his mind.

“Come.” She says, extending her hand once more “Now we Feed.”
Come, take My hand and walk with Me, walk with Me in the Shadows.

Tis better to have the world think you a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.




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'Lo Stalker.


Oy, well, you've got what's in possibility an involving, dramatic scene of emotional and psychological tension. And no, I've put that in dry analytical tone because it wasn't particularly compelling the way you ended presenting it.

Firstly, involving fiction is made up of believable and involving characters. Naturally, you won't have a fellow's lifestory, appearance and affects all dropped into something this short. But you ought to have a vivid snapshot, hints throughout.

At the moment, you've set on a stage - a boy? Seemingly. And a woman in fishnet stockings who hisses and purrs.

'Tis the stuff of satires.

Anne Rice rather re-painted the world of vampiric fiction; she did it gothically, garishly - but definitively. But there are so many myths surrounding vampires, one needn't be confined to her interepretation or atmosphere or technical details.


Character Then...


Who are they and why and where? It sounds madly broad-brushed, in that statement; but your story will be your character and you won't have a story without the character.

Here's a nameless boy on the rim of losing his life for damned immortality and why? Why does he choose as he does? Why is he even in the situation of choosing? Why might he choose vampiric life over pleasant, commonplace mortality? Why is the woman willing and threatening to change him, rather than merely kill him?

Why is a question one can hardly ask too often. The only difficulty with not asking it, is that your readers very likely will ask.


Vampires, Done to Death:

We've a pop culture saturated on at least one end of the spectrum in vampires. Reams of YA books about them. Anne Rice in print and on screen; apparently on Broadway in New York as well.

It makes it all the more imperative that you've found your own ideas about the undead; that you've found your niche and your characters. Anne Rice's bloodsuckers wander about New Orleans, and it shapes them without a doubt.

Again - why is the woman wearing a cape and fishnet stockings? Not to be flippantly impish, but does she moonlight as a hooker in LA? o0'


Narrative and All That -

A soft cough makes the lad look up, and then his eyes widen and he tries to get away from her. The her with a long cape swirling around her booted ankles, the her in a crimson corset and black laces, black fishnet stockings clasp her long legs and the single, white glove on her hand, a splash of colour yet somehow all the more chilling for it. All mortals know and can understand, on an instinctive level, how a vampire is their predator.


Without a doubt, you've a sense of the dramatic in the telling. Repetition is good. One can't escape some satiric underpinnings, I don't think, in vampires. They're deadly serious and rather ridiculous at the same time.

But again, you're introducing a boy and a woman, neither one in any lasting way.

The woman, by her typed clothing. The boy...is a boy. [How old? Who?]

Take the tone and wrap it round detail that gives more than a one-dimensioned look at your characters. Echo the cough in the boy's memory. Layer the sudden appearance of the woman with the surroundings. [Alley? Someone's porch? Side garden?]

...and verb tense as well.

You jump from present to past tense twice. Pick one. ^_^


Dialogue:


A brief note on technicals: 'I'm running away,' she says, 'Honest, right now!' -- That's correct

'I'm running away,' She says, 'Honest, right now!' -- Not really correct.

Notice that the dialogue tag is part of the sentence in which the dialogue plays a part. 'She' is quite all right being lower case.

“Wh-who are you?” He stammers out, his voice still containing a boyish quality.


Above, then, ought to be 'he stammers out', sans the capital. ^_^


--

Anyhow, I've got to reiterate - you have the definitive set for drama and tension. ^_^ All you need are actors (characters) who take advantage of it and act human.




IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander




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Thanks for the review heh. The first attempt at this subject i made, I got shot down for giving the kid a history and a description and all that. Now I get shot down for not -_- MAKE UP YOUR MIND PEOPLE!!!

I gave him a history too, but that got shot down. *sighs* Alright, back to the drawing board I guess...
Come, take My hand and walk with Me, walk with Me in the Shadows.

Tis better to have the world think you a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.




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Hello there, ShadowStalker

This has lots of potential and your writing style is very promising. I second everything that Imp said.

The first attempt at this subject i made, I got shot down for giving the kid a history and a description and all that. Now I get shot down for not -_- MAKE UP YOUR MIND PEOPLE!!!


It has to do with how you include that history and description. I agree with Imp that you need a bit of insights in this boy's life, but the common mistake of writers is to include long, telling paragraphs about history and descriptio. That is bad, and, while I have not read your first attempt, it seems plausible that that may have been the case. You can convey history through the boy's actions, through his dialogue, through a tiny bit of introspection if need be. No need for long paragraphs about these things. It's all about balance.

I agree with Imp about your characters; I won't reiterate everything Imp said, but be sure to focus on them during your editing.

Nice job here and keep writing. If you have any questions, PM me.
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas




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Shadowstalker wrote:Thanks for the review heh. The first attempt at this subject i made, I got shot down for giving the kid a history and a description and all that. Now I get shot down for not -_- MAKE UP YOUR MIND PEOPLE!!!

I gave him a history too, but that got shot down. *sighs* Alright, back to the drawing board I guess...
\


Oy, sorry, Shadowstalker - I didn't actually read the first one. ^_^


But as WD says, the character can have some character, so to speak, without being endowed with paragraphs of history. Let that sort of thing slip in - in his thoughts. In the surroundings. Perhaps in his reactions?

He needs to have some depth. But it can be done subtly or slowly; as long as it's there. ^_^



IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
-Lloyd Alexander



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