A warning.

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:!: One naughty word :!:

Well a few weeks ago i spent the night awake and wrote this.
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The tavern was full of labourers who had just ‘popped’ in for a quick drink before heading home. In the crowd was a scattering of men dressed in the uniform of the watch. The tavern was closest to the watch house so was the natural hangout of the Watch officers. One mans uniform separated him from the others. Gold lapels showed his rank to any on looking and the way he held himself proved to others that he was better than them.

A small dirty boy pushed his way through the crowd towards the officer. Once reaching him he coughed nervously.

“What do you want, Boy?” Contempt dripped from every word like venom from a cobra’s fang.

“There is a man outside Sir, he says he has information on the recent murders.” The captain stood. The boy moved hastily to the side as he strode past.
Labourers moved out of the Officers way knowing the repercussions if they didn’t.

Outside Araj shuffled nervously, if the guild heard of this then there would be hell to pay. A flash of lighting lit the darkening street, men and women sped up not wanting to be caught out in the rain. Araj was thankful for his oiled cloak that would keep him dry if the heavens opened. Across the street was the door to the tavern, the beggar hadn’t asked any questions and Araj was thankful for that.

A coughing drew his attention to an old man who was stumbling along the street, a tattered and worn cloak about his shoulders. Araj sighed and knew what he needed to do. Moving towards the old man he took the cloak from the old man, who offered no argument thinking he was being robbed. Taking his oiled cloak Araj draped it across the mans shoulders.

“Head home, father. Before the rain hits.” The man looked at Araj with eyes full of thanks.
Generosity was a rare thing these days. Stumbling on the old man headed home thanking the Gods above.

The tavern door banged open and a man dressed in uniform stalked out, his nose held up high as if in disgust with the world. He spotted Araj and strode towards him.

“Are you the one with information?” Araj nodded.

“If we could go somewhere out of the way, Sir?” Araj pointed towards an alley.
Both men moved towards it, when they were just mere feet away from it another man leapt from it. He was tall and well built as if a blacksmith. Araj grabbed the Officers arm and threw him into the alley whilst the unknown man delivered a tremendous blow with his fist. As the man fell Araj kicked him in the stomach making him cry out in pain.

“Now listen up you little bastard. Leave the docks alone!” The Officer groaned a response.

“If I hear of another group of your damned Watchmen on the docks stealing and taxing we will kill you!” Araj kicked the man again as if to ensure his point was understood.

“What was that?” The stranger demanded after the officer had gargled something.

“I said, Screw you!” Araj punched the man in the face. Araj’s accomplice drew a knife. “I know both of you and who you are. Your posters have been posted everywhere.”

Araj laughed. “Yeah is that is so why did you come and talk to me? I’ll tell you why. You don’t know who I am, I’m new to the city and will happily slit your throat if you cross me!” Araj placed his foot on the Officers hand.

“Don’t make me hurt you, Strak!” The watch officers eyes widened, these men knew his name. “Skarl here is a whiz with that knife of his. You wanna play about with us then I warn you now. I will cut open your stomach and watch you die.”

Araj kicked the Stark in the face knocking him unconscious, turning to Skarl he nodded and both men disappeared into the now dark city.
Man:George look at this.
George: look at what?
Man: Ha made you look!
George: Idiot!




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In the beginning I think you should explain what "the Watch" is to avoid unnecessary confusion. Also explain about the murderers and this...guild. The phrase, "venom from a cobra’s fang" also seems rather cliched and maybe you could use something a wee more original to spice that part up?? ""Are you the one with information?” Araj nodded. " I think there should be another paragraph started with Araj nodded. Also, the ending was rather chaotic and confusing and it was hard to distinguish who was talking and what exactly was happening. Actually despite that, with a wee bit of cleaning up and stuff this would make a wonderful story! It seems to have a very intriguing plotline!




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biancarayne wrote:In the beginning I think you should explain what "the Watch" is to avoid unnecessary confusion. Also explain about the murderers and this...guild. The phrase, "venom from a cobra’s fang" also seems rather cliched and maybe you could use something a wee more original to spice that part up?? ""Are you the one with information?” Araj nodded. " I think there should be another paragraph started with Araj nodded. Also, the ending was rather chaotic and confusing and it was hard to distinguish who was talking and what exactly was happening. Actually despite that, with a wee bit of cleaning up and stuff this would make a wonderful story! It seems to have a very intriguing plotline!


Well, that basically says it all.

It has a lot of potential. I didn't really understand what was happening, though. You need to make the plot more obvious. Right now, I don't know who that boy was, what happened in the alley, why it happened, etc. Clear some things up and it'll be great.

Please PM me if you write more, or if you have any other stories.

Also, can you review one of my stories? PM me if you can, please. :P



flamin hot cool ranch doritos say a lot about the duality of man
— dissonance