Smiles

Smiles, Laughs and Funny Faces

towels wrapped tightly around us
chatter and laughter make the air warm like a summer
breeze

sisterly whispers among friends
suddenly interrupted by a cold jealous wind

clumsily, we hurry so to gracefully pose
and capture a moment of the day's
schemes

giggling at the shivering of each other
we plaster genuine faces on one another

and when the camera is ready
our clown masks go on with such
ease

as soon as the snap is shot
we blunderingly race to the nearest sunny spot
___________________________

ok, this was an assignment for my English class, we had to write a narrative poem and i received high marks for it but I wonder if the ending(and/or any other part) is lacking a bit...let me know what you think!

"giggling at the shivering of each other
we plaster genuine faces on one another"

The shivering of each other didn't make much sense to me, other than to satisfy the rhyme with "another" (it sounds a little like you're writing to they rhyme instead of finding a rhyme for what you're trying to say). Maybe a stronger word here would work better or a different rhyme. Also, it doesn't even have to rhyme because the rhyme scheme is inconsistant.

In the stanza before this, it seems like a picture has been taken; in this stanza, it seems like the picture is being set up, and in the following stanza, it seems like the picture has just been taken. (Maybe I'm focusing on the minute) it made me wonder if there were multiple photographs. If so, I'd consider revising it to emphasize the capturing of one moment in time.

"as soon as the snap is shot
we blunderingly race to the nearest sunny spot"

^This line was cute; I liked it. Second this comment for the entire poem.

-Amelia

AmeliaOliver wrote:The shivering of each other didn't make much sense to me, other than to satisfy the rhyme with "another" (it sounds a little like you're writing to they rhyme instead of finding a rhyme for what you're trying to say). Maybe a stronger word here would work better or a different rhyme. Also, it doesn't even have to rhyme because the rhyme scheme is inconsistant.

ok i guess this poem didn't do it's job because it seems my point didn't come across so well... i didn't mean for the "another" to be put there just for the rhyme...it was suppose to put emphasis on how cold it was while everyone is posing for the picture. the cold being the "cold jealous wind."

AmeliaOliver wrote:In the stanza before this, it seems like a picture has been taken; in this stanza, it seems like the picture is being set up, and in the following stanza, it seems like the picture has just been taken. (Maybe I'm focusing on the minute) it made me wonder if there were multiple photographs. If so, I'd consider revising it to emphasize the capturing of one moment in time.

i meant for only one picture to be taken throughout the entire poem & it comes only after "when the snap is shot." in the stanza before "giggling...schemes" the girls were only suppose to be hurrying over to pose for the picture not necessarily take it yet.

but thanks amelia, for your comments, they have been really helpful & in the future i will try to make my point more clear for the reader =)

xjess

The poem itself is rather weak, but I love the message behind it--it's really a very accurate representation of a sisterly bond. I'd suggest paying more attention to the rhythm and flow of your lines, how your syllables play against each other; rewrite it and read it aloud, then rewrite again--there's nothing wrong with incessantly tweaking and perfecting your poetry. ^_~