Our Babylon

Babylon watched the

golden hand carve out their doom, usurp
them from prominence and clip their guardian
angel’s wings as the dust with its million

hungry mouths devoured their history,
eroded the laws of exodus, and withered
the pomegranate sweetness that budded
amongst the pebbles when it rained.

I'm curious as to why this poem has no critiques, and yet so many inferior ones have plenty... hm. On to the crit! Suggested corrections, first. ^_^

Babylon watched the

golden hand carve out their doom, usurp
them from prominence and clip their guardian
angel’s wings as the dust with its million,

tiny, hungry mouths devoured their history,
eroded the laws of exodus, and withered the
pomegranate sweetness that budded amongst
the pebbles when it rained.

Hm. Your line breaks have me a bit perplexed here, to be honest. I've always been of the opinion that line breaks must have a purpose beyond just looking good, or feeling right. Either they adjust the rhythm of the piece, cater to the structure, or emphasize certain ideas. In the beginning, though... eh.

I'd almost suggest moving the "the" down to the beginning of S2, but honestly, I think that would detract from 2.1. I'm ambivalent. When I first looked at it, I was convinced that it would be better as "Babylon watched / the golden hand...", but now I'm not so sure. In any event, it's something for you to consider. ^_^

"Usurp / them from prominence." Ouch. I love the image you're going for, but that wording is just plain clunky. Try "...usurp / their prominence." And also, I'd delete the comma after "million" and get rid of the word "tiny" altogether.

Other than that, I adore this vignette. Absolutely gorgeous, and definitely one of the best things I've read here on the site. Bien hecho!

I'm not so sure about where the line breaks are either but then again this seems to be poetic prose rather than poetry and I'm still finding it difficult to critique things like that.

It's good though. Some of the description is nice and the general idea is good so well done.

I think this was just totally different sought of poem.Pretty interesting.

In short u tried to express a lot ,and it worked out perfectly.the idea was fabulous.

Keep it up buddy!



~Ani~