Frozen in Time

The mist of the waterfall hangs in the air
A rainbow is created, frozen in time
Free of all woes, worries or menial care
And so I give away the stolen, unripe lime.



This stolen, unripe, sour lime
Originated in the marketplace
I stole it around dinner-time
So I could have it to scrub my face.


I scrubbed with it, yummy juice
Though sour and kinda green
My face turned a luminescent puce
And so I left the mouse, unseen.


I gave that nasty fruit
To my enemy
I left it in a boot
And told it to chimney.

My nemesis is a little newt
He has a big, tubular head
He delights limes and roots
And he loves the taste of syrupy meds.

He is so beyond me
Our spectrums, far apart
I say coffee, he cries for tea
I write words, but painting is his art.

Though we are polite as can be
Something about that little lizard
His face, his hate of poetry
Really strikes me in the gizzard.

This little newt fellow
Who buys his boots in bulk
He found the lime in marshmallow
And proceeded home to sulk.

My puce face, alas, uncured
Alas, o sorrow, the freckles stand
Alas, no medicine to be procured,
So I snuck back into my own land.

Alas, so sorrowful, the mint overgrown
I stooped to pick some green shoots
And found a couple of silver spoons sown
Next to a pair of lumpy, leather boots.

I hesitantly picked a piece of cutlery,
And a spark went up my skin
The shade vanished from my chivalry,
And I danced a dance to win.

And thus closes the story
Of the stolen lime, forgotten
In my telling of the newt, my enemy
And the mint-flavored, tissue cotton.

___________
Possibly the stupidest poem ever written. Doesn't compare to "Edit" at all.

But I think it's funny.



~Sumi

Er ok lol that was strange, but i liked it!
Only one thing:

I gave that nasty fruit
To my enemy
I left it in a boot
And told it to chimney.

I really disliked that part, i think the rest of the poem is strangly good but that bit no, Don't know why, it just didn't work for me atall. Anyway, yes very odd but cute?

Meevs
x

It's beyond me...

"This stolen, unripe, sour lime" - you start off by repeating your previous adjectives then introduce a new one. I think that it would be more effective just having the originals or having completely new ones.

"So I could have it to scrub my face." - just a touch random, although I think I understand.

"Though sour and kinda green" - that's very inconsistent. You use perfect, Standard English up until this point. That "kinda" doesn't fit.

"yummy juice... nasty fruit" - I don't know if this is intentional but it sounds contradictory.

"And told it to chimney." - again, random. It stops the flow of your poem because I think "What's that doing there? What does it mean?".

"He delights limes and roots
And he loves the taste of syrupy meds." - delights "in" limes. "Meds" - another abbreviation interrupting your poem.

"Our spectrums, far apart
I say coffee, he cries for tea
I write words, but painting is his art." - I liked this, especially the last line. It's clever writing.

"his hate of poetry" - "hatred".

"Really strikes me in the gizzard." - very contrived. If you can't make it rhyme naturally, almost as a passing thought, then re-organise the stanza.

"This little newt fellow
Who buys his boots in bulk
He found the lime in marshmallow
And proceeded home to sulk." - a seemingly pointless stanza to me, I see no relevance in it.

"Alas, so sorrowful, the mint overgrown
I stooped to pick some green shoots
And found a couple of silver spoons sown
Next to a pair of lumpy, leather boots." - that rhyming is much better, it flows more smoothly.

"And thus closes the story
Of the stolen lime, forgotten
In my telling of the newt, my enemy
And the mint-flavored, tissue cotton." - a somewhat sudden ending, but I enjoyed it.

In general this poem was amusing and enjoyable. The periods of randmoness were a little disconcerting but were not that bad. Apart from those few minor things it was a very good poem.

Haha! Thanks, guys, for the 'tiques.

There's actually a weird story behind this....

on one of my other sites, there's a poetry forum and a "snippets" thread...and I wrote the first couple of stanzas there....and I was sifting through the thread, looking for something to do...and I thought, okay, what the heck? Why not? and just started adding on....

It's definitely NOT my best....(that goes to, of course, "Edit")
...but 'twas still funny

Thank you, all!





~Sumi

Very interesting. I liked it a lot, but at a point i thought that you used "Alas" a little too much. That basically sums it up for me. ( everyone else made good points as well) It was still very good!

your little newt nemesis fellow, i found quite amusing along with the rest of the poem...i don't know why though, i guess it was very whimsical. but i have to agree with miyaviloves, that forth stanza was a little off and doesn't really work with the rest of the poem, it takes away from it. all in all i liked it.

xjess

I gave that nasty fruit
To my enemy
I left it in a boot
And told it to chimney.

This was the bit i really liked, although i must say i was a little zoned out on the poem.I thought i was strange but intriging keep it up

Yah