Conscience

Providentially, he was potentially,
Enamoured by the glamour
Of his near flawless stammer,
Till the words he spun changed, substantially.

Sneeringly the lies were spat from his tongue,
Conjuring long forgotten auguries,
Of true love and love’s sad forgeries,
From the days of before, when he was young.

Thankfully the dim echo of his thoughtless words,
Faded with dark unconsciousness,
As he sank into obliviousness.
Not to be woken by the chirping of the birds.

I'm thinking of extending it, thoughts are welcome.

Wow, i really liked this, but im not sure if you should extend it, unlee you feel you have more to say? Im not one to point out problems with poetry so i wont, but i love your choice of words, its original and i like it

Miyaviloves

I've always loved the a,b,b,a rhyme scheme...

Providentially, he was potentially, [11]
[s]Enamoured[/s] enamored by the [s]glamour[/s] glamor[7]
Of his near flawless stammer,[7]
Till the words he spun changed, substantially.[11]

Sneeringly the lies were spat from his tongue,[10]
Conjuring long forgotten auguries,[10]
Of true love and love’s sad forgeries,[9]
From the days of before, when he was young.[10]

Thankfully the dim echo of his thoughtless words,[12]
Faded with dark unconsciousness,[8]
As he sank into obliviousness.[10]
Not to be woken by the chirping of the birds.[12]

I pointed out some spelling stuff, and noted your rhythm. You can tell in some places that your rhythm could be fixed. I forget who I have told what to, so if I've told you this before, forgive me Anyway: it is best to keep the lines that you are rhyming (A and A, B and B) the same length of syllables, the same rhythm.

I think it would also benefit you if you kept a continual rhythm pattern, like 10, 7, 7, 10 or something. That would keep a more particular pattern, and would make it flow better.

I like your word usage, but again your tendency towards old English/big words and poetics that are out of my brains usage, I can't exactly comment on the theme/idea/subject. Sorry!

Hope what I did say, helped. Best to ya!

First of all thanks Miya, I'm glad that you liked it and thanks Claudette for your suggestions.

I'm pretty sure that I'll fix up the rhythm, the middle stanza was an oversight (for the rhyming lines rhythm) and the 3rd stanza was just a little bit of impatience.

Oh and the spelling thing, thats just the English vs American spelling thing. I live in Oz, which pretty much uses the American spelling but I'm English so I use the other way.

Thanks again.

Hehe, I wanted to twirl around while reading the first stanza; it seemed to lend itself to twirling ^_^

-on to a serious critique-

Thankfully the dim echo of his thoughtless words,
Faded with dark unconsciousness,
As he sank into obliviousness.

obliviousness=? death, acceptance? I'm not sure.

Even though some of the words are bigger, I think it helps get the point across of not thinking straight because the subject is so caught up with his conscious (?)

The chirping birds seem random because through the rest of the poem, there are only images of emotion rather than references to symbols or tangible objects. I'd clarify it or get rid of it.

So maybe my initial reaction wasn't so off-topic after all? I feel like spinning when I want to forget something (usually when I've said something stupid).

I love it. Big thumbs up!

-Amelia

I really enjoyed this poem. It spoke for itself, I loved your word choice.

Thanks before_umbrellas, I was pretty happy with the word choice in the first two stanzas especially, it took quite a bit of time.

The chirping of the birds, I was just playing on the sound the connotations. The singing of the birds is a happy sound, something that wakes you in the morning. I was using it to some extent as a contrast, sinking, waking. Some of this more of an after thought than what I actually intended but yes I think I could have done better with that line.

Thanks Amelia, as always much appreciated.