American Artist

Poem has been taken down for MAJOR reconstructive writing.
Thank you for the Intrest!

Lady Pirate

This is NOT GOOD! No 'tiques AND it got second!

I shall remedy this. =D

"I don’t mean to miss communicate"
Miss-communicate =P

On the three "empowerments" I would suggest one synonym for the middle one. "Given strength by my right, liberty of paint and paper". Longer, but it seems more poetic =D

"I do not conform/I will never conform"
that's two lines for one meaning. I suggest combining them into one line - "Their patterns I dash into the ground"

"But you will close your mouth and listen to me/Simply because I am an American Artist "

Hm. The "shutyourmouth" thing throws off the cadence. You also don't have punctuation. Nick is puzzled slightly. "Can you hold your criticisms a little longer?/Just because I'm an American Artist"

"I have no shame
I have not guilt
I am an American Artist
I am a nonconformist
I am American Artist "

"Save your breath and don't bother/I'm an American Artist/ Your shame and your guilt don't touch me/Your casts can't contain me"

"There is only empowerment in what I live for
I will never fit the mold
I will never conform
I am an American Artist"

Hmmmmm.......all this I am an American Artist/conform/mold thing gets so repetitive after, like, the fifth time =P try re-phrasing it, including different words with the same meanings.

Glad to hear you won second!

After all, the golden throne is nice, but the gold does hurt the bottom after a while

~Sumi

Thaks for the advise B.I.
I'll work on it, I guess it sounds better when it's spoken...*rubbs chin*

Question: Would it flow better if it where divided up into stanzas???

Lady Pirate wrote:Thaks for the advise B.I.
I'll work on it, I guess it sounds better when it's spoken...*rubbs chin*

Question: Would it flow better if it where divided up into stanzas???

Hmmm....probably. =D

In all honesty, the song reminds me too much of Green Day's "American Idiot". =P

So if you find a tune to go with it, don't hesitate to put 'em together

herm...hmmmm what to say.

I suppose I'll first point out the things I noticed right away: read over it some, you have a few typos. Secondly, you are lacking a great deal of punctuation. Was this on purpose? I'm not sure. If not, and you aren't sure how to punctuate, this article might help you: Poetry & Punctuation.

Now as for the poem... It didn't do much for me. My ideals of a poem are that it makes me feel something, or think something. This... made me think you were slightly full of yourself xD Of course I only joke.

You did a whole, whole lot of repetition, which sometimes can be good but instead in this poem it just got tiring.

I think if you cut out the repetition, and explained more of what an "American poet" is and why it is important, this would get a lot better. I'm not completely sure in what way you could write this so that the reader felt something...it's a bit of a hard topic. It's just you, you, you, america, america, america, blah. But I think you get what I'm saying?

If you have any questions/comment or would like help on something I mentioned feel free to PM me and I'll do my best to explain better. I know I kind of lacked explanation on how to make the poem more open to the reader...

Bonne chance!

Thanks of all of the advice It is most welcome.
I'll defintly work on it, becuase I see it now that yous guys point it out to me! it might take me a while to get it edited, but it will. -I have to say though, I have noticed that slam poems, may sound good spoken, but they aren't so hot as poem-poems.
Thank you for the advice

Lady Pirate

I haven't read through the the crits [short amount of time] so forgive me if I repeat what they've already said.

To start with-- please read through this before posting (or immediately afterward). There were many 'stupid' errors that could've been easily remedied with a single read-through. While it may not seem like a big deal, these minor errors really kill your feel of professionalism; and thus gives the reader a bad impression.

Moving on... repetition. It was... ill-used. It could see your urge to use it (this was for a slam, after all) but if you do so it's best to do it in a more... tasteful.... manner. Either for rhetoric, or prolific phrasing, or for bi-meaning/interpretation; repetition can be implemented successfully in many, many instances. Regretfully, this piece was not one of them. It seemed forced here-- repeated for repetition's sake. Not the way to go.

Also, your message seemed almost extremist at parts... And I know that's all opinion based, but hey; here's mine. I found myself getting more upset then impressed by your message. For instance, why is being an American artist so different then a..British one? Or a Canadian? Or any number of other nationalities? You never covered it, and thus I'll never know. Also, you seemed to be saying 'all y'all best shut up and let me rant!' in a rather rude and awkward manner. Again, I know it's for a slam, but you can still convey your reasons better then not-at-all.

But really, congrats on the second :p

~Ed

Hmm... never really thought about it like that. thanks Ed. Well, I'm now taking the poem down, so it can under MAJOR recontrutive writiting.

Thanks for all the help you guys

Lady Pirate