I'm Always On The Outside

gone

I’m always on the outside
Looking in.
Skirting the edges
Slipping in between the shadows
Unnoticed.

The second last line there is a little long and it sort of throws the lines that you had before it. Are you ending on a single word for effect? I'm not sure that it quite works because it makes everything really uneven. Occasionally, yes, it would be effective but I think in repetition it loses some of it's power unless it comes at set intervals in some proper structure.

The ever-shifting kaleidoscope of people

Nice piece of description here.

I watch the others
Flirt
And tease
And fight
And yell
And play
And do all these things

This is sort of relating back to the point I made first. I think that while it does make the list seem more lengthy and emphasis all the things that they do do it would be just as effective if you made it into a longer list. But here I think it really is more your choice, it does coincide with the flow of the poem and create regularity so, it's just my personal opinion. Feel free to ignore it

Do my own thing
Not caring when the others say
“Get a life”
As if they have a life.
They don’t.
They’re all the same.

Good use of the full stops adds strength and weight to the points that you make.

In their protective pack
Have no idea what it’s like to stand alone
Protected and secure in their little pack of friends

Cut out one of the two packs, it doesn't really work to have two of them so close together, I'm sure there is another word you could find which would fit just as well, it would also add some diversity.

Wandering through life knowing nothing about themselves, their beings

Maybe break up that line, it doesn't fit in with the rhythm that you've got, with your shorter more fragmented lines.

I really liked the ideas and points in this poem, as well as how you applied them. I think that some of it was a little repetative, however. There were words that seemed to be used a little to close to oneanother and things like that. I don't think this idea and style really need that, but I think it's fine how you repeated the main idea in the poem in the last line. It sort of brings the point this poem is making back into focus. This poem definately had some admirable lines, ideas, and descriptions in it.

OMG!! I can't believe I haven't commented on here yet. And I'm the one beta-ed (sp?) it in the first place!!!

For shame...

Ah well, I liked it a lot. *points to Mad's comment* I think that's what I was trying to figure out when I was reading. I knew that there was something I could have helped with, but I couldn't guess what it was.

I've read through the poem a million times, but couldn't figure out what exactly needed to be tweaked. So so so sry.

Overall, though, I really enjoyed it. The description and all was well done, and the poem moves quite well. Keep up the great work.

Truly,
J|A|C|K

Hard to critique, but it was a nice piece. It kind of confused me at some points, but that didn't make it bad.

I enjoyed reading this, althought the second line was kind of expected - looking in

Over all i thin kyour structure and flow was good, and you kept it quite original. Keep this up!

Meevs
x

I really liked this! The description of looking in was good. It went on a little too long, though. Have you tried lyrics? You'd be good.