Against my will

Standing out in the rain.
Look up to the sky.
Rain falls onto my face.
Blood dripping off my hands.
Mix with the water.

Tears pour down my face.
I'm drenched with water and blood.
I shout to the heavens.
Why must I do this,
Against my will?

I walk to the bridge.
Look at the river.
I grab the bloody knife.
And I try to throw it.
But I'm frozen.

I want to stop this madness.
Why cant I toss it,
And be done?
Why must I kill,
Against my will?

I really don't like the constant full stops. I know its there for emphasis but I don't think it really helps the poem at all.

The poem seems a bit shallow, its just straight out telling the reader everything - I don't think that does anything for your poem.

The piece isn't as emotional as I would think it should be, the words and descriptions that you use don't make me feel the pain or blood dripping - I can't get a strong feeling for the scene.

That said, I do think that the simplicity of the lines does provide something.

Why must I kill,
Against me will?

I thought the ending worked well, should be "my" though. But it sort of sums the poem up. If a person was killing against there will I don't think that a couplet would be the most effective way of getting that message across.

I agree, the full stops don't work for this poem. You could add a lot more detail as well, but it is a good, solid start. best of luck.

Rain, blood, and tears are all cliche images and subjects. I would step away from those. You've got a good idea here, and I think expanding it would do it some good. I know you have a great imagination, so use it!


Love always,

Your master.

Thanks for the critisizm guys.

This was ANOTHER good poem. I like how you have us feek what he/she is feeling and that he/she doesn't want to kill but has to. Anyway keep this up and you will be a very successful poet.

i like it but its a bit confusing almost like it starts in the middle of the poem

So some of the words used in this like "rain" and "blood" do convey kind of a cliched image and idea...and this piece could be spiced up a little with a bit more originality and metaphors, but otherwise this was still a very nice write with the potential to be awesome!

I really like this poem. It's powerful, and the imagery is fantastic. I don't know about anybody else, but the relative simplicity of your words really give me a stunning mental picture of this girl (I imagine the poem's character as a girl), and her anguish and despondency. However, it would be interesting to know why she is killing-- by an outside mental influence, perhaps, or magic, or internal voices, or something. But maybe that would ruin the effect... Hm. Well, it's a thought.

Peace, love, chocolate.

Muffin

Hey linds! I loved your poem! good description. I agree with the people who have critiqued before mine...the full stops make it seem kind of like blah blah (stop) blah blah blah (stop) you know what i mean. btw the blah blah's were just an example

Good job!

Thanks. And yes Muffin, it is a girl, even though it says nothing in the poem about her being one. And to everyone else, Thanks again for the comments.

*Lindsay*