The Atlantis' Seal (GP poem)

Written in the voice of Saeran Lockebeth


Fall away, ye who wish our demise
Sink into the cold depths of your hate
And emerge not from your self-imposed prison
Until you foolish people become truly wise.


I and the pegasi give to you
An island of paradise of your own
Built with never-ending spires and towers
Your own heaven, alive with malice and rue.

You ne’er be without the fruit with which you sing
Trees blossom, but seasons forget you,
The winters you hate never shall knock on your door
One pain for another, you and I and the eternal suffering.

So your loyalty bids you to our trap
And our song is your sunless death
The druids shower your watery grave with flowers
The circle is complete, and you have the map.

You, my watery brothers and sisters, I regret
I must seal you to an ocean’s mercy
And to you, I sing in melancholy
This last celebration to your testament.

And so I wipe your remembrance from this earth
Your deeds to be recorded for the future
You can roam the earth once more
When you are wise, O naga, but now, you are lore.

Mekare the Leviathan is your guardian
He will guide your rising sages,
And will establish you to your brothers
You shall not fear whe’ever he abides.

O naga, my now-forgotten cousins,
Let your anger die through the ages
Remove the blinds from your eyes
Give up your chains of strife and lies.

Atlantis, sweet Atlantis,
Keeper of a thousand dreams
Let not my spell fail upon my family
And let not their own corruption touch ‘reeve.

And now, you sink to the cold pits
The zenith created by your own will
Met, Zan, Geo, Rel, your voices
And in my name they live.

Emerge later from your hate, O brothers,
To a world of peace suspended by light
The stars, the Ancients, your keeper
Sister sages, keep your families strong and tight.
___________________________________

Yep! This is a companion to Geezer's Property, written "by" Saeran Lockebeth.
Spells in Lockebeth's time were traditionally done by singing poetry about the spell you cast, thus amplifying the power.
So. "This" is the balllad sung by Lockebeth to send Atlantis to the depths (GP #9).


Enjoy!

~Sumi

Um...Okay.

Long winded, and not all that riveting or curious or anything of the sort. I read maybe half of it and then skimmed to the end. I don't really know what it's exactly about, simply because, no offence, I got bored stupid.

I -like- poetry, but not when it's an epic of an event and it's a cryptic reference to said event. Sorry, it's just me I suppose.

The persona is proclaiming a fate on a civilisation or a person or something? Not a very nice fate from what I've read and it sounds ever so slightly vindictive. Not my cup of tea you understand? Again no offence intended, but...I just didn't like it. I couldn't get into the poem or anything...I haven't read any of your other work, but....it would be a good idea to -not- bore the reader yes?

Tata mwa!

SS

" I don't really know what it's exactly about, simply because, no offence, I got bored stupid." - you'd have to read Geezer's Property.

The poem was good, it seemed like an embroidered explanation of some parts of GP but it was interesting and contained some new stuff. It's good that you did not include this in the actual story - it would have slowed it down considerably. It reminds me of Tolkien's way of slipping in poems.

As a poem on its own it has little value but I feel that its purple effect siuts the context well, ancient people tend to write like this in books.

A nice addition to GP, perhaps you could include it in an appendix when it gets published.

Yeah, if you didn't understand the storyline, it's easy to understand how you would snore off

Wow! I'm sort-of-being compared to Tolkein and I haven't even read his stuff XD

I considered adding it to the story, but I thought it would slow it down and besides that I only wrote it in like 20 minutes

This will definitely go in the appendix. You can count on it XD

Thanks for reviewing!

~Sumi

I liked the first stanza, but the last line seemed wordy.

In the second line of stanza two, the word "of" is used twice, and tripped me when I read it. Try to avoid repetition of words so close to each other.

Sometimes the rhymes seem a little forced (ex trap/map, regret/testament), and I'm assuming you broke the rhyme pattern intentionally halfway through?

"And now, you sink to the cold pits
The zenith created by your own will"
These lines seem awkward to me. Maybe you need an "of"?

The last stanza worked really well, and the last line was a wonderful ending. In all, I have not a clue what it means (probably because I haven't read the story it's referring to) but it sounds so pretty!