The Trial

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In the feeble mind of an addict
the world is but a gunshot.
He watches the body fall
limp into the hands of semantics
then waits for it to rot.
-
Each day he counts the wrinkles
like blessings,
and somewhere, at the
bottom of everything
there's a God with his name
tattooed on it's lips.
-
Leaving the chamber, discarded
to a foreign body whose blood is
busy running it's course, the
warm hum as he crashes through
life like a runaway train.
-
"Are you drunk?"
Lights.
"Sir, are you drunk?"
Lights.
"Sir, we're going to have to ask you etc..."
-
Exit like breath, quick as
heroine to the milkyway, those
veins running plump to his brain,
eyes fucking the stars.
-
"God, can you hear me?
God, is this you?
You spelt it clear as day,
an eye for an eye
makes heaven blind."
-
And he aims at
dead stars.
-
00110111010001
01110110001001
11110111010011
11010100010100

-A short talk with David, afterward-

"So, what'd God give him?"

"A harvest or two for conceit."
-


The earth has all but digestered his martyr,
but they say
angel headed children
still kill cops in his name. - I saw that

cuneiform, on a subway
inscription for
better times, less is more,
starvation for
depth perception, or death.
The train
like a muzzle round the will
of it's passengers, slaveship gag and rag,
hard to do the hambone
with your feet bound to your wrist.
"Hey, let's go shoot pool."
He says to me
"Hey, let's go throw stones
at the tranny hooker down the road
and then go watch
women in bikinis at the beach."
Their bodies embalmed by the sun
and grease, caked
cooking
I melted a Barbie Doll once
she bled anxiety
and broken ankles
and children, so many children,
and fear.
-
Last edited by Hypocrit on Mon Mar 29, 2010 9:11 am, edited 3 times in total.




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I was distracted from the actual message because of the mistakes I found regarding rhyme, flow, and grammar. The fact that there are only two words that are capitalized kind of bothered me. If you're going to capitalize the proper term "Red Scare," why not everything else that should be capitalized? Also, "forgot" in the second stanza should really be "forgotten." I know you used "forgot" for the rhyme, but it's forced and doesn't work, especially since the second line in the second stanza doesn't follow the rhyme scheme. I would suggest trying to be more consistant with the rhyming and the structure. Try to keep around the same number of syllables in each line and choose words that flow easier.




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Gender Female
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I have to agree with Mandax, In all honesty I didn't even finish this poem. I don't mean to sound harsh and nasty! It just didn't grab my attention, Work at it, punctuate it, sort out the grammar and then maybe people will actually see the POEM not the mistakes.

Meevs
x
Bag.

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Sorry I really don't see much need for punctuation in a poem. I write it like I would read it.

Besides Lady Liberty and Red Scare what else needs capitalization?

And putting the same number of syllablles each line makes it boring and monotone in my opinion.
You know how dumb the average guy is, right? Well, mathematically, by definition, half of them are even dumber than that.
JR ‘Bob’ Dobbs

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People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore