Black Umbrellas

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paper-kimono
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Mon Mar 19, 2007 7:09 pm
paper-kimono says... · Mon Mar 19, 2007 7:09 pm
Just a song I wrote when I was bored and depressed.
Hope you like it! :D

Is there anybody home?
I can see the candlelight in the window
I just don't wanna be alone
But that was so long ago
Now we're surrounded by blocks of concrete
Even Inspiration left along with Faith
I can't cope with London's dirty streets
If only we wern't caught on this wave

And in the dusk, the withered leaves gather at my feet
Then the wind arrives and threatens me
Oh, Death, I wonder, wonder if we'll ever meet
We'll just have to wait and see
We'll just have to wait and see

Oh, black umbrellas, take me away
Oh, black umbrellas, whisk me any day
Black umbrellas, take me from this eternal grey
Just lead me away

Is there anybody there?
I can see the sorrows of unbelievers
Images telling me to beware
I didn't listen then either
Now we're swamped by cruel lies and festering
No one recalls the innocence of childhood
Every true love is sequestering
If only we were all understood

And in the evening, I walk out on the empty streets
I can feel nothing but loneliness
Oh, I wish, wish life could be forever sweet
All that is left is agress
All that is left is agress

Oh, black umbrellas, take me away
Oh, black umbrellas, whisk me any day
Black umbrellas, take me from this eternal grey
Just lead me away

Take me away from my misery
The depression within me has grown fiery
Meanings and measures slip away
And I feel smaller, I feel smaller everyday
I wish that I could fly away
Away, away, away

Black umbrellas, take me away[/b]
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niteowl
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Wed Mar 21, 2007 9:33 pm
niteowl says... · Wed Mar 21, 2007 9:33 pm
Overall, I thought this was really beautiful. Just some nitpicks:

Oh, black umbrellas, whisk me any day


You're missing an "away" after whisk. And I'm not sure you should put two "aways" that close together. Maybe you could reverse the verbs, so it looks like this:

Oh, black umbrellas, whisk me away
Oh, black umbrellas, take me any day

And the stanza with "festering" and "sequestering"? Those are big long ugly-looking words, and while they sort-of fit, they really threw me off track while I was reading it. Maybe that's because I was really stupid and had to go look them up?

Speaking of looking up words:
All that is left is agress
All that is left is agress


"Agress" is not a word, according to dictionary.com. And "aggress" is a verb, when the word you're trying to use should be a noun. Either explain what this word means to the simple-minded (aka me) or replace it with a word that dictionary.com knows so that the simple-minded masses can look it up.

Okay, let's end this on a positive note. I really loved the first stanza. And the rest of it, except the parts I pointed out. Good job and keep writing! :mrgreen:
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

<YWS><R1>
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Goldenheart
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Thu Apr 05, 2007 6:08 pm
Goldenheart says... · Thu Apr 05, 2007 6:08 pm
Very, very good. I loved it.

I admire your ability to write a somewhat long piece, without getting boring, of giving the feeling that you're dragging on and on. I sensed its feeling and depth, and the flow was beautiful. Swift. The ending, I thought, was very effective. Good job! Keep it up!

Goldie
"I hate the word 'Truce'. It means 'Fun's over'." ~My little sister
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Cold And Broken Halleluja
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Sun May 13, 2007 11:56 pm
Cold And Broken Halleluja says... · Sun May 13, 2007 11:56 pm
Black umbrellas... not something most people would normally write about, but you pulled this off wonderfully. I thought it flowed nicely and had a lot of deep meaning to it. I especially loved the 'innocence of childhood' part. Great job!
"Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb." -Edna St. Vincent Millay

Help me get that second star! If you need a review, just send me a PM. (Keep it PG, please. Except for violence... I can handle that. ^^ )
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oregongirl
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Mon May 14, 2007 1:28 am
oregongirl says... · Mon May 14, 2007 1:28 am
I loved this song a lot! Great Job! :) except one little thing: Weren't is spelled wrong in the sentence ' If only we wern't caught on this wave.'

Great Job! :elephant:
OREGONGIRL
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bubbles5
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Mon May 14, 2007 4:23 pm
bubbles5 says... · Mon May 14, 2007 4:23 pm
I loved these lyrics. Everybody else has already pointed out all the holes i saw in it so I'll just say that I really want to hear this song sung because although I can't think of music for it, I know that it would sound great because of it's deep and meaningful lyrics. This is just a "wow" song. :)
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Halokinz
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Wed May 16, 2007 12:58 pm
Halokinz says... · Wed May 16, 2007 12:58 pm
I like it but I don't agree with: "Oh, black umbrellas, whisk me any day".
It just doesn't seem to fit. Apart from that, the song's pretty cool.
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whence
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Thu May 17, 2007 12:36 am
whence says... · Thu May 17, 2007 12:36 am
paper-kimono wrote:Just a song I wrote when I was bored and depressed.
Hope you like it! :D

Is there anybody home? Ahgh...not the greatest opening line
I can see the candlelight in the window not exactly originalI just don't wanna be alone
But that was so long ago
Now we're surrounded by blocks of concrete decent image
Even Inspiration left along with Faith OMGGG!!! PERSONIFICATION OF ABSTRACTS!!!! THAT IS SOOOO MY STAPLE!!! :mrgreen:
I can't cope with London's dirty streets
If only we weren't caught on this wave When I first read this, I thought it said 'were' rather then 'weren't'. I liked it my way better :D

And in the dusk, the withered leaves gather at my feet
Then the wind arrives and threatens me
Oh, Death, I wonder, wonder if we'll ever meet
We'll just have to wait and see
We'll just have to wait and see
meh

Oh, black umbrellas, take me away
Oh, black umbrellas, whisk me any day
Black umbrellas, take me from this eternal grey
Just lead me away
black umbrellas = :)
flow in this stanza* = :(
*I'm not familiar with lyricismatastic [:D] terms**
**should it have been 'refrain'?

Is there anybody there? mehish
I can see the sorrows of unbelievers
Images telling me to beware
I didn't listen then either
Now we're swamped by cruel lies and festering and festering...what?
No one recalls the innocence of childhood
Every true love is sequestering neat
If only we were all understood

And in the evening, I walk out on the empty streets
I can feel nothing but loneliness eeeemooooo
Oh, I wish, wish life could be forever sweet
All that is left is agress
All that is left is agress
nice 2 lines... but I thought there were two 'g's in 'aggress'

Oh, black umbrellas, take me away
Oh, black umbrellas, whisk me any day
Black umbrellas, take me from this eternal grey
Just lead me away

Take me away from my misery
The depression within me has grown fiery FORCED RHYME ALERT
Meanings and measures slip away
And I feel smaller, I feel smaller everyday
I wish that I could fly away
Away, away, away

Black umbrellas, take me away
not the strongest ending[/b]
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life — and one is as good as the other.
Ernest Hemingway
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