Hush Now

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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 103
Our fingers brush but fail to touch
the inner sanctum of the soul; that
beauty for which the body yearns.

The candid liqueur of a poet’s speech that
undrapes our honest self, the truth that
loosens the tongue of man and softens

a woman’s heart. The empty crevice
of the human mind; that late hour
at which even the darkness prays for

proof of light. These hollow words can never
return more than an echo; it is our misery
that begs for company, but madness calls it forth.
The individual leads in actual fact a double life, one in which he is an end to himself and another in which he is a link in a chain which he serves against his will or at least independently of his will.
--SIGMUND FREUD




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 321
Quite nice. I like your tone, and you kept it consistent throughout the whole piece. Very strong concept too.
I think you could reconsider your linebreaks to make it stronger. Have you tried reading it aloud to find the natural pauses? I find ending a line with words such as "that" or "for" places unnecessary emphasis on those words, when the meaning and rhythm would benefit by ending maybe on the words before that.
I also think you over-use your adjectives. It tends to draw attention away from the ones you really need, and in this case it kind of bogged down the flow.
Overall I really liked this. It's got true depth and some great moments.
purple sneakers



The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec