Sweet Agony (freewrite, no-rhyme poetry)

Before you read this…

I know you know the meanings of these words...but I’m using some of them in a different context. Those definitions are below.

Cancer: any evil condition or thing that spreads destructively; blight
Graffiti: an ancient drawing or writing scratched on a wall or other hard surface
Redemption: deliverance, rescue; the act of purchasing or gaining back something previously sold
Waste: To destroy, devastate, or ruin; to kill or murder;to become gradually consumed, used up, or worn away
Relevant: suitable; fitting
Rusted: deterioration, as of ability, resulting from inactivity or neglect
Wisp: a person or thing that is small, delicate, or barely discernible
Hero: a person noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose, especially one who has risked or sacrificed his or her life

Sweet Agony

I saw your smile, though you tried so hard to hide it.
I wondered if you were really happy or just enjoying my pain.
The self-destructive graffiti written on my heart
had begun to etch itself into my brain, sending shooting pains
of your presence through my once-warm soul.
I cried out at the thought of being happy again, and
laughed in the face of redemption.

If only you could see me now, see how I am coping without you.
If only you could see the way I let out a small grin before falling to sleep at night, because I know that I am safe and you are wasted without me.

The whispered secrets that once tortured me and
tied me to a web of deceit have finally started eating away at themselves,
breaking off this ball and chain that I have carried for so long.
And oh, how nice it feels to know I’m free.
How wonderful it is to believe in myself once again,
Or at least believe in the thought of my success,
whether it’s relevant or not.

Right now I imagine you stealing glances at what you see as a rusted soul,
When really she is just another person on just another rainy day,
Hoping for a savior.

You could have been my hero and instead you were my sickness;
The cancer that brought me down to a level of underestimation and hate.
I once loved you and I trusted your kindness to catch me,
If I had only dared or decided to fall.
And when I did, where were you?

I gave my all only to gain your disrespect.
I gave my self, my soul, only to think
that you would be the death of me.
But you were the only one really dying.
Falling to a point beyond repair, beyond help, beyond loving.
Withering away to only a wisp of a care-free man,
needing a helping hand to pull you from the tormenting waters.
They pressed themselves into your lungs, and surged through your mind,
Telling you of my heartfelt feelings.
If only what they had said were true,
You would not have ended up so miserable.
And in time you might have realized
That It was I who was the hero after all.

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um...critique would be MUCH appreciated. Obviously.

I'm not sure if I have this in the right forum, but oh well.

If I need a glossary to understand your poem, then perhaps it isn't written clearly.

Really, I can see a glossary when there is a lot of acronyms or unique concepts, but most of these things are pretty common imagery.

Also, if a glossary is used, then it is at the end. Seeing it before makes me shudder since it reminds me so much of spelling lists that I had to memorize in grade school.

For the love of god, get rid of the glossary.

I agree, there's not much of a place for a glossary in poetry. Your poem itself should create the meanings you want.
I like the poem, but I definitely think you could condense it. Your imagery is also weakened by your over-use of adjectives. It disrupts the pace and flow you need to build up. Your last stanza is somewhat cliched - you get your point across nicely but without any true impact.

I didn't actually read the glossary, but it seems like Grif and Liz already critiqued it.

If only you could see the way I let out a small grin before falling to sleep at night, because I know that I am safe and you are

This line is really long, compared to all the rest. Maybe you could shorten it? It would make your poem a lot more visually pleasing.

I like the description "rusted soul".

The moving on theme in your poem is nice, but I think it needs to be concentrated. A lot of the lines and stanzas aren't necessary, and they dilute it. If you shortened it, it would flow better and be easier to finish.

The ending line has a good point, but the flow sounds awkward. Maybe you could rewrite?

Thanks a lot for posting, and thanks for putting up with my lack of critiquing skills.

Jenna

thanks for the crit guys.....sorry about the glossary. I wrote this for a "end-of-school-extra-credit" thing, and this was the form we were suposed to write it in. I just copied and pasted....I'll try to clean it up a bit tho!

[thanks for the read]