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Book_Worm_113
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 15
Tue Apr 03, 2007 2:57 am
Book_Worm_113 says... · Tue Apr 03, 2007 2:57 am
Wingless bird, how desperately you call
out from your own locked in cage,
your once raging power; now not racing at all
shrieks disgust the air, but not known as rage,
holds onto warmth in cold branches that fall
danger awaits nearer now than these frozen beds,
yet passion for life never fully leaves or ends!
"Every-thing's broken there's no way around
It's so hard to smile
When you bring me down."
-
Me.
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veronicafletcher
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 17
Wed Apr 04, 2007 11:20 pm
veronicafletcher says... · Wed Apr 04, 2007 11:20 pm
Book_Worm_113 wrote:your once raging power; now not racing at all


How is the power raging and racing? Try revising 'now not'.

You also used 'rage' twice in the poem. Try changing that.

Over all, I think it was pretty good. Not your best, but once again, MAJOR KUDOS for the rhymes!
Sleeping and being dead are basically the same thing. Except when you're dead, you don't wake up. Ever. Even when your alarm clock rings.

-Ryan Zlock
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2 posts


Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
— Alfred North Whitehead