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Painful Death

DeathAngelRuby

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 4

Tue Mar 27, 2007 3:21 pm

DeathAngelRuby says... · Tue Mar 27, 2007 3:21 pm

It all started with heart ache who knew it would come to this

A sad day... a sad awakening

Next was the misery the deep depression

She was lost, and could not be found

Life was never good for her

She never knew it would end like this

We can only hope death will serve her more than life did

R.I.P.
My soul

" It was the roar of the croud that gave me heart ache to sing "

~ Gerard Way ( my chemical romance )
my hero

Sureal

Gender

Points 9907

Reviews 506

Tue Mar 27, 2007 3:43 pm

Sureal says... · Tue Mar 27, 2007 3:43 pm

Comma after 'ache'.

The final three lines (starting with 'life was never good for her') does not flow as well as the begining.

Also, what's with the big font?

I wrote the above just for you.

DeathAngelRuby

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 4

Tue Mar 27, 2007 3:48 pm

DeathAngelRuby says... · Tue Mar 27, 2007 3:48 pm

i hate you

Sureal wrote:Comma after 'ache'.

The final three lines (starting with 'life was never good for her') does not flow as well as the begining.

Also, what's with the big font?

" It was the roar of the croud that gave me heart ache to sing "

~ Gerard Way ( my chemical romance )
my hero

Poor Imp

Gender

Points 14789

Reviews 483

Tue Mar 27, 2007 5:11 pm

Poor Imp says... · Tue Mar 27, 2007 5:11 pm

DeathAngelRuby wrote:i hate you
Sureal wrote:Comma after 'ache'.

The final three lines (starting with 'life was never good for her') does not flow as well as the begining.

Also, what's with the big font?

Ruby:

"I hate you" is not an appropriate response - to say the least and under any circumstances - to a comment on your work. If you have something you disagree with, go ahead and say it.

YWS is a writer's site where people post things looking for critiques to better themselves. If you only want to 'share' what you've written as personal feelings and such, it belongs in a blog.

(Any more "I hate you" sort of thing, and this thread will be locked.)

IMP

ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem