Out of the Frying Pan, into the Fire

I know it's bad form to comment on my own poetry, but this poem needs help...HELP!

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“To run over better waters the little vessel of my genius now hoists her sails, as she leaves behind her a sea so cruel.”
—Dante, from Purgatorio, Canto I, line 1

In Hell,
the blisters on your skin
are trivial, he says.

They will b – r – e – a – k ——
o o z e—
and eventually,
heal.

But discourse with the devil,
he laments,
is so cruel and rich
in paradox.

He rasps to me,
the sound falling from his calloused throat,
that the stream of sin is incessant—
it saturates,
its heat does not alleviate,
but stings.

We are so embittered,
he cries,
that roiling seas have come
to feel like home.

The waters will not allay themselves,
Judas and Cassius and Brutus
will not be abandoned
in the mouths of their respective demons,
but they will find some company
in our repression of salvation.

To calm the raging precipitation,
there must first be
a slow movement
towards deliverance.

I thoroughly enjoyed your poem. Your use of imagery gave it a firm abstract feeling. Good Job.

Now, however, i would like to point out a few things that could be changed. However, you could choose to disregard this advice, its your prerogative.

Paroxysm Effect wrote:He rasps to me,
the sound falling from his calloused throat,
that the stream of sin is incessant—
it saturates,
its heat does not alleviate,
but stings.

My sugestion here would be to add some punctuation, this would help the reader to see when the speakers speak.

TRY THIS:

Paroxysm Effect(revised by Bard) wrote:He rasps to me,
The sound falling from his calloused throat:
"The stream of sin is incessant—
It saturates,
Its heat does not alleviate—
It stings."

I got rid of "that" and dropped two commas and added a colon, and a hyphen/dash. In the sixth line I dropped "But" and added "It" it felt proper.

Now, if you choose to do so, apply some of this to the rest of your poem and msg me if you have any questions or dificulties. I'd love to help!

Keep up the good work!

~Bard

where is the poem?????

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This was really interesting, and I absolutely loved the voice you used.

They will b – r – e – a – k ——
o o z e—

Why did you have dashes between break, and then not between ooze? Also, that structure is a little odd, are you wanting us to spell "break" rather than say it? (Why else would you use dashes? Oo)

The waters will not allay themselves,
Judas and Cassius and Brutus
will not be abandoned
in the mouths of their respective demons,

I can only assume we're going the Dante for this one? I like how you say respective demons (it sounds neat) but its rather off...considering they are all in the mouth of the devil, just three separate mouths, and in different positions. So to say "respective" seemed odd, they're all with the same "Demon"

Otherwise, it seemed different, and I liked it