What Held It All Together: A Metered Poem

Okay, so this was well descripted and all and surely a nice read just as I expect everything you write to be unfortunately there was something I had to point out.

Nothing passed across our bridge except the wind
and things that flew--birds and hurt, to name a few--
and though we say the bridge gave way, a violent bend

I had to read this a couple of times before I understood what you meant here, -atleast I think I understand it now hehe.- I think it's the "and" that adds up some sort of connection that shouldn't be there and is rather misleading. For I thought the last line stood so "separate"

I know it refers to the first line at the beginning of the last stanza at least that's the only thing I could come up with that makes things alot clearer. It was quite hard to figure out that trick you pulled off there since you didn't use it earlier but once I got the hang of it, I'd have to say : "neat idea"

Well okay that's the only stanza I found that stood out a bit. It was a bit blank. I liked it but then again it was very confusing and could make readers struggle a bit, trying to figure out what's there to be said.

to its demise, the twigs and limbs we found
were only show, because everyone knows
rotted wood is not what let us down.

The last stanza was very well written, exquisite ending

As I said before, nice storyline, nice read

Cheerios, Chandni

The language is quite simple throughout the whole poem except for "collocated" which I thought was a little inconsistent. Apart from that it was very good, the enjambment was especially effective. A very entertaining read.


Gurby

This has a nice rhythm to it the whole way through, which makes it enjoyable to read. The last stanza seemed to break the flow though - the internal rhyme that was so clean in the stanzas before it suddenly became sloppy, which drew attention to one of your less-great lines ("because everyone knows"), and the length of the lines was visibly and audibly incongruous with the rest of the poem. Other than that... I like the light atmosphere of the poem, with the contrast not overdone, and I love the first and third stanzas. The lines:

surrender simply to the physics of the world.

and

and things that flew--birds and hurt, to name a few--

are my particular favorites.

Syllabic Count:

10
10
11

10
10
11

10
10
11

*This pattern gives it a lullaby-like tone.

10
10
9

*This breaks the lullaby pattern and suggests shortness, cuts the reader's breath off. It's like running up to a cliff and stopping just instant before you fall.

That's the idea, anyway.

no criticism until the final stanza- 'because everyone knows' seems out of place, disrupts the flow...for some reason it sounds like more than 10 syllables, even though it's not...perhaps because there aren't that many three-syllable words in the poem, and because is right next to everyone, so it's like a sudden overload of syllables in a simple poem.

I like the idea for the syllabal count, but I'm not quite sure it has the desired effect because I could only really appreciate it after I read the note you added. I don't know that one syllabal it obvious enough to pick up on (or maybe it's just me; it's entirely possible I've missed something); I would suggest exaggerating the number of syllabals per line so that when the reader gets to the last line, it's as if there's much more. You compared the ending to almost falling off a cliff; I think that the more exaggerated it is, the higher the cliff will be, and the more impact it will have. Overall, *claps for poem* I like reading what you write.
-Amelia