Holocaust

I was dragged away with many others to be
Tortured
Murdered
Exterminated
Still they deny it happened.

I can still remeber being packed up with others like an animal
in a train meant for cattle
Scarred
Sufficating
Confused
Still they deny it happened.

I can still smell the burning bodies in the crematorias of Aschwitz-Birkenau
Feel their
Anguish
Anger
Hate
Still they deny it happened.

I can still feel my muscles ache as I work to dig
My own grave
Feeling hopelessness
Exhaustion
Starvation
Still they deny it happened.

I can still hear myself screaming
As the S.S. man rapes me, relishing my
Tears
Discomfort
Desperation
Still they deny it happened.

I know they can here me cry out
As I'm burned alive because the Nazi's have run out of gas for their gas chambers
I am
Relieved
Hurting
Forgotten as the wind blows my ashes away
Fogotten by those who deny these heinous crimes

I am
Just 16 years old.
I look at you and ask
"How can you deny something so real as
The holocaust?"

*cries* That was absolutely brillant. I too wonder why some people would deny it happening. I find your poem has very deep emotion, and I like that. I don't think that a Holocaust poem could go a better way. I didn't notice any errors, and I applaud that. Keep up the good work!

Beautiful.

Simply beautiful.

... In a very heart-wrending, crushing way, of course. ^_~ It's the simplicity that gets to you. You make no deep philosophical point. You attempt no cheap imitation. You write your poetry and you write it emotive and anguished, stripped to bare-bones despair. The imagery here is so dark, somehow so real, and even the tone reflects the hopelessness, resignation. (The structure, too, is very well done throughout).

It's memorable and it's affecting and I commend you most highly. I appreciate your style and your message and most definitely look forward to more of your work. ^_^

I'm going to steal someone else's idea and use different colors.
red=spelling
blue=revision
green=commentary

I could smell the burning bodies in the crematorias of Aschwitz Birkenau

Auschwitz-Birkenau

Torchered...
Murdered...
Exterminated...

tortured
I don't think you need the (I forgot the name) dot-dot-dots, you can either put nothing there, or use single periods. The dot-dot-dots make it seem more juvenile, less serious. They are noticeable, do they take attention away from the meaning, which is the most important part of this poem.

Sufficating...

suffocating
I've already said this, but I'll say it again for emphasis: Ditch the dot-dot-dots.

I can feel my muscles ache as I work to dig
My own grave
Feeling
Hopelessness...
Exhaustion...
Starvation...
Still they deny it happened.

This is the beginning of the end of the beautiful rhythm you set up in the previous stanzas. This third line before the three words doesn't fit. It's wrong there. Try putting it on the previous line, maybe even change the first two lines a little bit so you don't need a third.

I can still feel my breathe leaving me as they burn my body alive because
The Nazis have run out of gas for the gas chambers.
I am
Relieved...
Pained Beyond Description...
Forgotten as the wind blows my ashes away...
Fogotten by those who deny these heinous crimes

breath=noun, "I take a breath." breathe=verb, "I breathe the fresh air."
Gah! You killed the rhythm! It's okay to be a little different in the last stanza, which usually does stray a little from the pattern, but...couldn't you find a way to make this stanza fit with the rest? And maybe make the first two lines more consise. I do like the last two lines, though, they're poetic and give a beautiful image.

I am
Just 16 years old.
I look at you and ask
"How can you deny something so real as
The holocaust?"

I can understand the previous stanza being off the rhythm, but this one you easily could have fit in with the beginning ones. If I were you, I would change the last stanza, and the second-to-last stanza would be the only different one.

Overall, I love the poem, it's a hard, cold, raw topic to write about, there's a lot of emotion, sadness, horror, and you conveyed it well. I think towards the end, you should have tried to stick to the rhythm more. Also, in the beginning, it's all past tense, but the last three stanzas are present tense. I think you should make everything but the last stanza past tense, to make it stand out more, to make it more poignant. Also, the three words in the middle of every stanza, followed by the dot-dot-dots, might look nicer if they were all the same part of speech. Try it, if it doesn't work, forget it, it's fine as it is.
Also, I've changed my mind, the second-to last stanza can deviate from the established rhythm IF the last stanza goes back to the rhythm you started at the beginning.

Kudos to you for such a beautiful poem, it's the kind that makes your heart cry, and also puts you in a poetic mood, it's inspiring. (And now, just to be cheesy and predictable) Keep writing, you're super-duper!!!

chocolatechipmuffin wrote:I don't think you need the (I forgot the name) dot-dot-dots, you can either put nothing there, or use single periods. The dot-dot-dots make it seem more juvenile, less serious. They are noticeable, do they take attention away from the meaning, which is the most important part of this poem.

(Sorry, forgive the intrusion, I just wanted to pop in here and offer that I think the word you're looking for - for the 'dot-dot-dot's -is an ellipse...? Just thought I'd throw that in there - your crit makes mine look hideously puny, but I thought I might offer a quick word. ^_^)

I knew it was something like that, but then I thought it was eclipse...I decided not to embarrass myself too much.
Thanks!

Beautiful Angelic Goth -


How nice, a proasaic tour of history. One of the problems of this piece (though not by a long shot the worst) is the nature of the language. The vast majority reads exactly as a sophomore's essay - stumbling and pretentious - and with an attempt at a gimmick at the end to demonstrate some sort of "creativity." The piece overall has little, if anything, to offer the sentient reader.

Both the concept and execution are weak, and the combination doesn't lend itself to improvement through editing. You could have conceivably stopped at S1 and we would still know the intent of your poem--why did you feel the need to bore the rest of us with a droning solliloquy that offers up only repetition?

Find the nearest trash can and rinse your hands of this mess.


Best,
Brad

I'm sorry if you find my writing repulsive. It just would have been nice if you could have found a less elementary way of getting your point across.

Beautiful Angelic Goth--


I apologize for my elementary speech. Let me clear this up: writing about completely obvious things is boring to your audience.

Combining politics with poetry has always turned out to be an impotent mixture. What insights can you have into politics--a very real field--with poetry--a field that makes it living and prosperity off abstraction? None that I couldn't already get from Bill O'Reilly, Anderson Cooper or Bill Maher.


Take heart,
Brad

I liked it but it wasnt the best executed poem like incandesdence said.

You shoukd read the poem vultures by Chinua Achebe here is a link.

http://www.erzsebel.com/poetry/?p=755

That is how a good politically/inhumanity poem should be executed. by allowing the reader to decide what they think. not forcing it upon them. you only showed one side of the story.

i know that probably sounds evil and harsh (:?) but i mean it in the way that the ss guard who rapes her coudl be a loving family man, who just has a small 'Glowworm', as the poet of Vulture put it, of evil in him.

But over all i liked it. Look forward to more of your poetry.

Kane & Abel- ever read it? Because I think you have. Did you actually intend for this poem to shock, to perturb the reader deeply, to leave them in a state of angst? Anyone can druel words onto a page.

But this poem isn't completely hopeless- for one the subject matter is quite interesting, however rehashed it might seem.

Execution was poor, and the poem was too long. Make your point. Leave it at that. Choose words carefully, and keep it concise. This was a long drink of water, not even those with the biggest yaps could swallow that in one gulp.

Try, if at all possible, to refrain from FREE VERSE! It's your enemy! Learn measure and invest in a thesaurus- fluency is key. If the cocktail of words in your poem is good, then the reader is more than likely going to enjoy the poem. Make it JAZZY!!!

You got potential! I'll give you that! But don't sit back on your hunkers, because you got a long way to go!

Le meas,

E. M. Millington Synge aka Parker C. Penne

WOW!! that was deep. I am a true believer of the Holocaust and I wonder when we talk about it in History class how people can be so heartless. It did happen and noone can deny it. No matter how hard they try. It was a tragic event in our History that could be repeated at any moment.

So to those who deny the Holocaust, read this and know its true. Look at pictures and believe it happened.

Good job Beautful Angelic Goth ....I totally agree with you!!

This poem was ineffective and boring to me for a number of reasons.

1) It wasn't addressed to me. You're right, there are far too many Holocaust deniers. But most of them don't speak English (I'm not stereotyping, it's just true that of the governments that refuse to recognize Israel, or don't teach the Holocaust in schools, I don't think any of them have English as their national language), so perhaps this should be written in Arabic. And most of those that do don't cruise poetry forums. (Now that one is a stereotype, but a researched one.) Find another way to get your message across.

2) I already knew everything you said. It's common knowledge to any educated person born after the 1950s, when information on the extent to which Hitler and his regime executed their plans flooded the world in horrific images and terrifying accounts. So there was no new information in the first lines of each stanza, which sounded like they came directly from my history book by the way. I'm serious - my eighth grade book said 'trains meant for cattle' just like that. It's as if you did your research just to write the poem, like "oh quick, I need the name of a death camp, wikipedia here I come", instead of drawing off of years of memories seared into your soul. There is no sense of the narrator being real in this, or even of the author being reasonably knowledgable about her subject (for instance, you didn't need to say Aschwitz-Birkenau, since most people know which one you're talking about if you just say Aschwitz (it's the most famous of the three), especially since you mention crematoria in the same line. Try including details that would make it real, more so than a history book. And a list of feelings doesn't do that. It needs concrete images.

3) It's an overused topic. I know, I know, the Holocaust must live in our memories forever to prevent future atrocities from happening, so it can never be brought up too many times. But we're living in the middle of atrocities right now, things we can do something about. The point of remembering the Holocaust is so it doesn't happen again. But look at Darfur! Look at Haiti, where the average income is less than 50c a day, and where the parents of young children sell their kids into slavery in the D.R. because they think anything is better than what they have to offer. And then look at the D.R., which is almost as bad. Did you know there's an estimated 8,000 slaves in north Sudan today, who were kidnapped from their homes in south Sudan, forced to change their names and religion, beaten and abused and forced to work without pay? Why not write about that? Or even about one of the many other genocides that are denied by various governments and people? The Armenian massacre? The Ukrainian famine? Most people know about the Holocaust. A new topic might be to research a different tragedy, or take on the Holocaust from the less well-known and riskier point of view - that of the normal, every-day people who let it all happen, who helped it happen.

I am all in favor of combining politics and poetry. I think you should look at what poetry has to offer politics (a short version of a long story, a new perspective, a first-hand account, powerful words that people can quote and will stick in their heads) and start again. Make it sound real. If I were a Holocaust denier, this wouldn't convince me. It just sounds like you're a 15-yr-old girl who's just learned about the Holocaust in school and is ready to lead a crusade with her new knowledge. Holocaust deniers aren't necesarily ignorant people (actually, the only one I've met who openly renounced the Holocaust was a professor of women's studies) and they probably know the facts. Your job as a political activist is to know the facts and to be moved by them - your job as a poet is to move other people. I'm not moved.