lunar eclipse, march 2007

We three stood, shoulder to shoulder,
our breath making pillows in the air,
keeping our eyes glued to the sky.

Slowly, the earth's shadow erased the moon.
"Maybe there'll be an explosion of colour"
said Mickey, eyes wide, head tipped right back.

I couldn't see you but I could you feel you.
The way you stood, self-contained. Taking up
only the minimum amount of space.

Having watched you all this time, I expected
maybe to feel those fireworks, to lose my breath.
Instead, just a slow-growing glow of warmth.

The moon disappeared. In its place a red orb,
alien in those black heavens. The lights of dawn
and dusk colliding in one sfumato smudge of crimson.

Mickey grumbled something incoherent, sighed,
and made his way inside. We stayed, fingers
barely brushing, and kept our eyes on the sky.

I got a great feeling from this poem. The scene was described very well. I like that each character is defined: Mickey, the funny friend? "You" - the person the speaker loves, and of course, the speaker, in love but a little awkward.

One thing that bothered me a lot was the number of fragments. Fragments can be justified, but here they felt really strange.

I couldn't see you but I could you feel you.
The way you stood, self-contained. Taking up
only the minimum amount of space.

I couldn't see you but I could feel you,
the way you stood, self-contained. You took up
only the minimum amount of space.

Having watched you all this time, I expected
maybe to feel those fireworks, to lose my breath.
Instead, just a slow-growing glow of warmth.

A semi-colon after "breath" will take care of the fragment issue.
What are the fireworks? A reference to the "explosion of colour" or to the chemistry between the two people. I've heard "fireworks" used a lot when describing people in love, and I suggest replacing it with something else.

The moon disappeared. In its place a red orb,
alien in those black heavens. The lights of dawn
and dusk colliding in one sfumato smudge of crimson.

The moon disappeared. In its place was a red orb,
[s]alien[/s]strange in those black heavens, the lights of dawn and dusk colliding in one sfumato (sfumato?) smudge of crimson.

Mickey grumbled something incoherent, sighed,
and made his way inside. We stayed, fingers
barely brushing, and kept our eyes on the sky.

Something about this last stanza feels wrong. Perhaps it's the sudden appearance of rhyme: sighed/inside and eyes/sky. The tone is much different from that of the rest of the poem because of this, perhaps a little sing-songy. Was the sort-of-rhyme intentional?

I missed the lunar eclipse. It was cloudy here. But this is a pretty poem.

Colleen

Colleen, sfumato is a painting technique, developed by da Vinci. I'm not sure how it's done, but the end result is a smoky, misty image, with softer edges, blurred lines. It can be used for confusion, in the foreground, to call attention to the foreground (by blurring the background), or to create a gentler effect, around the moon, a morning mist, etc.

I saw the lunar eclipse, too! Yay!
Okay, the poem:
I love the idea, it's a wonderful combination of a love poem and a tribute to nature, and you've held up your love for...someone...with the beauty of the moon, not to compare, but to complement each other. Congratulations. You did it well.

I would change "fireworks," the rest of the poem is original, you wan tto stick with that, and using fireworks to describe love is a little too common.

I don't mind the fragments, but I have no disagreements with the way Colleen rearranged them.

Other than that...I have nothing to say.

Ah! I knew I'd heard that word somewhere! In this poem, though, it might be perceived as out of place if not pretentious.

Colleen

had you seen the moon the other night, you would know the only word to describe it is sfumato.