Embers

This is the first poem i've written in..well...ever.
I'm not sure about some of the words and it probably needs some work but I just wanted some feedback. Im also unsure if it needs 3 stanzas or if 2 would work. So here it is, all constuctive criticism welcome.



Embers

Flicker.
Alluring, ethereal glow.
Illuminating, enticing.
Affixing everything with a sliver of it's own smooth beauty.
Perfection.

That was what he wanted me to see.

Flame.
Desultory, solemn effervescence.
Foreboding, unpredictable.
Draining originality and independence from every thought and idea.
Deception.

The only person fooled was me.

Fire.
Harsh, searing fury.
Burning, mocking.
Gorging on hope and confidence with unrelenting hunger.
Desecration.

Embers were all he left of me.

oooo 0_0 fire!
i really like this poem, espesially the lines in between.

That was what he wanted me to see.

The only person fooled was me.

this one is my favorite:

Embers were all he left of me.

Keep it up!

~Tina

I liked your poem. Especially with your words. You left a certain impulse after it. It made me feel your emotion.

LuckiestLoser wrote:


Embers

Flicker.
Alluring, ethereal glow.
Illuminating, enticing.
Affixing everything with a sliver of it's own smooth beauty.
Perfection.

That was what he wanted me to see.

Flame.
Desultory, solumn effervescence.
Foreboding, unpredictable.
Draining originality and independence from every thought and idea.
Deception.

The only person fooled was me.

Fire.
Harsh, searing fury.
Burning, mocking.
Gorging on hope and confidence with unrelenting hunger.
Desecration.

Embers were all he left of me.

Lets see, you forgot an e in relenting. and the only word you spelt wrong was desecration. Other then that, I like it how you have it.

Keep up the good writing!

thanks guys!

and thanks armadian for pointing out those little spelling mistakes. I guess i didn't read over it properly...

critiques much appreciated

Very impressive for a first poem! I really enjoyed this; it flowed very smoothly and the fire metaphor was cool. Ooh, and your vocabulary is awesome.^_^ However, this bit confused me:

[i]solemn effervescence.[/i]

According to my dictionary, "effervescent" means "gay, lively, or sparkling" so isn't "solemn effervescence" an oxymoron? Aren't you basically saying "somber cheerfulness?" Maybe that was intentional and I'm just too dense to appreciate it, but I just thought I'd point it out.

Keep writing!

Very, very nice. I love the last line. Many kudos to you!

Wow- I'm amazed if that really is your first poem. You've used excellent and unusual description- I like it a lot. Keep it coming.

This was good, great if it was your first poem. I liked the way you shied away from cliches without making it too obvious that that was what you were doing. The style was also more original and fit well with the words, though I did find the three plot lines distracted my attention from the other stanzas. You know how in one of those books that switches back and forth between characters, you often pick a favorite, and then for the rest of the book you have to work to keep yourself from flipping to the bits with that character in it? That's kind of how I felt with regard to this. Still, it was a very nice poem, and a wonderful first attempt. Keep it up!