Hayden and Rowan of Venice

If you like it, I'll write more of it, because this is just the beginning. PLEASE REPLY!

Hayden looked unhapppily out of her bedroom window. If only a prince would come and set her free. Life dragged on with it's usual course. Lately, she had felt life was not giving her a fair share. No dream of hers lasted. None of her wishes had been granted. No fairy-godmother came to her aid. No one came to rescue her from the fancy furnishings and lacey frills.
The manor was old but it was one of the most preserved and admired buildings in the whole beautful city of Venice. Hayden couldn't understand; with all the exciting and wonderful things that filled the city such as the beatuful white prancing horses, people admired the Yorkshire Manor the most. With all the town square's beautiful geraniums, the town's people liked the crickety old moat of the manor. With the town's delicately designed iron gates, people still liked the old brick wall that surrounded the Yorkshire. With all the beautiful winding roads of cobblestone that wound through the city, people still liked the dirty old path that led through the gates and into the manor's front yard. How is anything else more confusing? Oppurtunites filled Venice; the lacking of excitement was just the start in Yorkshire. Just to see how trapped Hayden was. Held back from the life of adventure, heroism, recognition, and knowing you could battle any danger, Hayden was truly upset. She was bored with being upset and she was upset from being bored.


~But Hayden knew she was the start of a new revolution. People were upset with her but she was proud. Finally, there was something that could keep her awake at night, tugging at her brain and telling her that she had started excitement and her life would change forever. Her heart beat faster everyday, knowing that something, something exotic and different was lurking around the corner, waiting for her to take a big bite out of it and take in the taste of it.

Hey, Michelle!

Hehe, I remember being the lone ten-year-old on the site...kinda sad. Shows how long I've been here, right?

Anyway, let's get to your critique, shall we? I'm brutally honest, but I don't bite. Really.

STATING THE OBVIOUS: Okay, just something for the detail oriented- if this is Venice, why are there so many white horses around? I'm not exactly the expert on Italian geography but I'm guessing that horses would be kind of a rarity- unless they could swim.

If you just like the name 'Venice' and the romantic feel that goes along with it, just kind of...tweak it a little. In my current story, I wanted to use the same countries and such because I'm really terrible at world-creating, and I didn't want history professors attacking me in my sleep because the UK was at war against Russia in 1781. Obviously, they weren't, so I...changed it a bit. The UK is called Britannia and Russia is Petersburg.

That way, everyone's happy- geographers included.

UHM...: Is Hayden a girls' name?

I could be wrong. It's pretty, but it sort of sounds like a boy with some sort of Rapunzel complex.

This would be another one of those names to tweak. Heidan, since this is a fantasy, might work because it's not gender specific.

I'd ask someone who's better at fantasy, though. I'm a historical fiction person all the way.

REALISM: Okay, so I get the feeling that the peasants are going to revolt. Why is Hayden happy about this?

It doesn't fit in with the traditional damsel in distress mold to have your damsel be a total risk-taking thrill-seeker. Make sure you establish her personality at the beginning so that your readers are on board.

___

Overall, I really liked this. It kind of caught my eye on the front page- I wanted to see what you were going to do with the princess clichè to make it interesting, and what I got was a couple minutes of really, really fun analysis. It's not fun to be a critiquer when the story isn't very interesting, right?

Do tell me when you've got more. I'm really excited to see how Hayden's going to develop- she could either be a Sleeping Beauty or a Mulan at this point.

Hello!
I applaud your creativity! The first few lines sounded just like a fairy tale, but it turned out differently than I suspected. It's a great piece of fiction, but you do have a few simple spelling errors.

michellel96 wrote:it was one of the most preserved and admired buildings in the whole beautful city of Venice. Hayden couldn't understand; with all the exciting and wonderful things that filled the city such as the beatuful white prancing horses, people admired the Yorkshire Manor the most.

You're missing an "I": Beautiful

michellel96 wrote:Oppurtunites filled Venice; the lacking of excitement was just the start in Yorkshire.

Again, just add an "I" and switch the "U" to an "O": opportunities.

Best of Luck,


McMourning

the Yorkshire Manor

Why would their be aYorkshire manor in Venice? Especially seeing as Yorkshire is part of England...I could be wrong because I am in no way an expert on Europe, but I know that James Harriot lived there, and putting an English place in Venice just sounds weird. Plus Yorkshire doesn't sound very Venice-like. Sorry, but that would be my view on that.

Apart from that its rather short, almost to much to tell whether I like it a whole lot or just a little. For example, I have no idea what's going on, it could just as easily be the 1800's as it could be year 4000, I cant tell from the style, the way she is talking or any other hints that would tell me more about the setting. If it is in the past, as I suspect it is (tell me if I'm wrong) then adjust the writing style to better suit that time. Also, your writing sounds more like it would be from the views of a normal person, you want their voice to sound like what time and place it is, old Venice might not sound like that, do the research or it could come back to bite you in the butt.
And I'm assuming the fantasy comes in later, so...yeah, maybe foreshadow some of that fantasy in what you have (or maybe that was the dragon part, not that fantasy necessarily has to have dragons or that that's what you meant, maybe I'm just pulling assumptions out of thin air.) just to make it sound more like fantasy.
Oh, and I love Hayden's name, but it should fit the time and place, its a little American to be Venice in my eyes. But that's just me. Most people don't read and think, 'Is Hayden a Venice name?' But I do, so yeah...maybe others do as well.
Otherwise, I'm impressed by your writing, for your age especially, you drew a picture with your words and have thus far kept to it, so I encourage you to keep with this story, do your research and enjoy writing. Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more from you.

Crap...I did not mean to post that twice...oopsie..ignore one then, or read them both if your really really want to...How did I manage that...

JCobsesed walks away pondering how she posted that twice, but now she has a headache and is forced to retrieve Advil for it. Unfortunately the Advil takes a while to kick in and she is forced to watch mindless t.v

thnx guys! Yea, as you can tell, I'm only 10... very sad! LOL

I don't know names of girls in Venice... Any suggestions? Italian names? anything? victoria? margaret?
I know about my spelling errors. Looong story but to make it simple, I accidentally deleted something and so I was in a rush to type it again so I wouldn't forget my thought... Typical Me.

Yorkshire, well that's just the name of the place. I couldn't think of anything Italian. suggestions?

As for when it takes place, well, really, I'd have to say in the past. I'm not a historian so I seriously can't tell you when such happened. When would you say?

Yes,because for the most part, you guys said pretty positive things (yes, and thnx for the constructive critisism) so i'll continue to write this story.

PS I'm planning that Rowan is gonna be a gypsie boy she meets....

hmm...well, its your story, so whatever name you like, I mean, Hayden is a beautiful name, and anyone anywhere could name anyone anything (say that 5 times fast and get it right!). So if you like Hayden name her Hayden. It could just seem more real if the name fit the place, personally it helps me get into a story.
And actually your story intrigued me to ask my friend about Venice, and isn't it that place where everybody goes everywhere by boats? Because that is pretty awesome. Anyways, if that's the case you might need to change a few things about your story.
I like the guys name, but if hes going to be a Gypsy your really going to need to do some researching about Venice just to get the culture and feel of it, especially because of how culturally oriented gypsies normally are.
Once again, good luck!