just something i wrote

Breath slowly and deeply, don’t stop.
Tell yourself to breath.

Your voice is like a knife, I can feel it.
You speak to take your pain away, to give it all to me.
The more I hurt, the better you feel, it works that way, let suffer to heal.
I wont say I love you, too much in those word.
Bad excuses to get hurt, but I could lie to you.
Make you think I love you, then throw it in your face?
Would It hurt? I hope so. I love to see the pain ive caused and know im in control.
So then you love me more when I take It all away, and tell you I was wrong.

You think you know me inside out?
My insides are rotten and my heads full of doubt.
I hope you cant see this, and know all my thoughts.
There all buried in there, every single plot.
I cant take them back, nor can I stop.
I say what im thinking, maybe throw in a lie.
And you say that you love me, you love what you think you know.

You’re the only one who really knew and loved.
You knew I wanted to hurt you, and only wanted to do the same.
So I would watch you bleed, while you saw me hurt.
The damage we did, there is no taking back.
A sin? Maybe, but we wouldn’t if we could, we knew what it was.
Uncondissional, couldn’t look away.
Amazing each other in such twisted fucked up ways.
Maybe it was love? I think it was.
But then why don’t I want you, you’ve been used.
Your someone elses and I don’t want you back.

And know you. The worst of them all.
You think your something else.
You hurt whomever you please and inside you its okay.
You watch yourself do wrong, you know, time and again.
And smile, brightly, just like someone should, when they just don’t give a fuck.
That’s why I think I hate you the most.
Because you care about nothing, not what your doing to us.
You didn’t think it would come down to think.

Now that you’ve come back for a minute.
Breath slowly and deeply, don’t stop.
Tell yourself to breath.

First of all, no one really likes to read anything you "Just wrote." Give it a title, otherwise we'll start thinking you put no effort into what you are posting...

The lack of any structure/form really bothered me, especially because the lines were so long and endless, so chaotic. You rhymed in one verse (that I saw) and then stopped all together. In everything, it is said that you should know the rules before breaking them. Same goes for poetry. Understand how to write with structure and rhyming, before breaking away into free verse and other areas. This is strongly suggested.

What are you telling me in this poem? I'm not completely sure. This feels more like a very personal poem, almost too personal, one that would be given to this "you" and not show to anyone else at all. How do we have any clue what is going on in your life? It feels very... list like. It just seemed so unpoetic to me. Where is the beauty in this? Where is the art? Sure, there is emotion abound, but its not even in a form that I can relate to. With poetry, you need to include the audience 100% Pull us into the poem, don't just tell us things. I have no idea what the life situation is, and so the poem leaves me very confused and somewhat irritated.

People read poetry to feel emotions, to come away with some thought of virtue or feeling. Nothing came from this. It was just long and..."Emotions abound".

The best way to improve poetry, is to read poetry. I would suggest doing that. Second, I would suggest reading books about how to write poetry. Third, I would try to write with rhythm (AKA: Structure) and rhyming in mind. You don't necessarily have to do both in the same poem, but any bit helps.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you don't understand what structure is (I was kind of confused with it, myself, when I first learned it existed) just PM me and I'll help explain the tricks. Hope I helped, and wasn't too harsh. Honesty is the best policy?

The structure was sort of bad, you were missing words in places, and you also (I hate this) used a lower case "I" for most of your words where it need be capatalized but the words in this poem really hit me. I loved the description and everything going on, the sour-sweet love-hate thing you kept going made it a thinking and yet satisfying poem. Altogether I rather enjoyed this. It was really nice to read something such as this particular piece. Long and full of feeling, I actually liked the personal feel you gave to this piece. Though you still need to change your errors and the structure of this poem, and the title (something with a little feeling like the poem) and then when polished this poem with shine up like a pretty penny. Good job.

Keep it up!
-Rieda

i appreciate the critisism, however, i dont write in any particular way or follow any rules, if i did i wouldnt be able to express myself the way i want. yes i know to some people you should want to please people, but i write for myself, and i do it in such a way that if you dont understand what im writting you can put it together yourself. but at the same time, it is me and i dont care about changing it.

Well, really, if you put stuff up here, you're asking for criticism. People are only trying to help you improve your work.

Poetry can be very therapeutic in terms of getting emotions down on paper. But was this effective for an audience? No, it was navel-gazing. These phrases are really common, too. I couldn't find anything unique in here. Your writing should sound like it's really coming from you, not from a country song.
What exactly did the subject do? What made the speaker act this way? Describe a particular situation that is unique to this speaker, that will interest the reader and draw him or her into the poem. Make the reader connect with what you're saying. I understand that the poem was written primarily for you, but if it's going to be presented to an audience of critics, it better be ready for them.

And now, just because I feel like it, I'm going to go through this poem and correct every technical error I can find:

Breathe slowly and deeply[s],[/s]; don’t stop.
Tell yourself to breathe.

Your voice is like a knife, I can feel it.
You speak to take your pain away, to give it all to me.
The more I hurt, the better you feel[s],[/s]. It works that way, let suffer to heal. (questionable phrasing -- "let suffer to heal")
I won't say I love you, too much in those words.
Bad excuses to get hurt, but I could lie to you.
Make you think I love you, then throw it in your face?
Would it hurt? I hope so. I love to see the pain I've caused and know I'm in control.
So then you love me more when I take it all away, and tell you I was wrong.

You think you know me inside out?
My insides are rotten and my head's full of doubt.
I hope you can't see this, and know all my thoughts.
They're all buried in there, every single plot.
I can't take them back, nor can I stop.
I say what I'm thinking, maybe throw in a lie.
And you say that you love me, you love what you think you know.

You’re the only one who really knew and loved.
You knew I wanted to hurt you, and only wanted to do the same.
So I would watch you bleed, while you saw me hurt.
The damage we did; there is no it taking back. (?)A sin? Maybe, but we wouldn’t if we could, we knew what it was.
Uncondi[s]ss[/s]tional, couldn’t look away.
Amazing each other in such twisted, fucked up ways.
Maybe it was love? I think it was.
But then why don’t I want you, you’ve been used.
You're someone else's and I don’t want you back.

And know you. The worst of them all.
You think you're something else.
You hurt whomever you please and inside you, it's okay.
You watch yourself do wrong, you know, time and again.
And smile, brightly, just like someone should, when they just don’t give a fuck.
That’s why I think I hate you the most.
Because you care about nothing, not what you're doing to us.
You didn’t think it would come down to think. (?)

Now that you’ve come back for a minute.
Breathe slowly and deeply, don’t stop.
Tell yourself to breathe.

Also, I feel that the f-word is used here only for shock value. A lot of people use swearwords in literature and they're often not justified.

Colleen