I love the beginning man, real good, but I dont think the ending quite went with it.
I could see this beeing the ending, but I think you could put a little more between the cutting scene to the hospital scene.
This poem didn't make me feel anything. It didn't go anywhere. This was pure cliched teen angst. It simply lays out this situation: "Here I am standing in the bathroom, look how depressed I am. *cuts self*" We've heard it before. Suicide is rarely done well in poetry. Pick another topic and apply your writing skills to something new and interesting.
You did use repetition well at the end of each stanza, even if what was being repeated was the whole subject matter problem.
Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
I agree with cadmium. I would love to see your writing talents applied to better subject matter. Try something small, simple, easy, and tangible - a sneaker, for instance, or a bowl of cereal. And don't even make it a metaphor for something - just as an exercise write about your object, your emotions and memories that accompany it, nice analogies, descriptive phrases, and some creative adjectives. Just give it a try.
“It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.” - Lemony Snicket
^^What she said. Thank you, Sophie, for being articulate. Definitely try writing about something small and *seemingly* unimportant; that type of exercise can produce some unique results.
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
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