various musings

i think about you when you're not here

you ask me if i love you, isn't it obvious?

i see you in my sweaters

i see you in the crescent moon

i see you when my eyes are closed

you may be my first, but you very well may be my last

the sky is sinking down to meet the sea

i was told from a young age that the sky’s the limit

but no one told me that the sky is also a barrier

stopping me from reaching my destination

my lifelong dream is hindered by this blue canvas

is it possible to reach the stars beyond?

or am i forever doomed to stay rooted here, wondering about the endless possibilities?

is it wrong to dream?
knowing that it’s not going to happen
knowing that i should be making the practical decision
knowing that i’m going to end up homeless anyway
does it really matter how i get there?
should i be focusing my energy on pleasing others?
or do i live life for myself?

how do you expect me to amount to anything

if you keep telling me how unremarkable i am

how can you blame me for being useless

when all you’ve ever done is criticize me

how does it come so easily to you?

i’m your son, aren’t i?

you’re supposed to offer words of encouragement, aren’t you?

how does it come so easily to you?

how can you call me a piece of shit so calmly?

i never meant to push you away

i can’t help it, my love. i’m clumsy

i can’t hold on to anything

i end up making a small mistake

a small mistake that makes everything fall apart

oh, wait. before you go,
just know i truly loved you. losing you will be one of the greatest regrets of my life.

goodnight, my love.

will i see you in the morning?

will you love me despite my flaws?

will you uphold your promises of always and forever?

i don’t know. i can’t answer these questions on my own.

i need you. my love, i need you.
in every facet of life, i need you.

please, don’t go. not yet.
sit down for a coffee, and we can talk.

goodnight, my love.

i love you i loveyou iloveyou ilyilyilyily

i love you. that's it. that's all i have to say. i love you.

it's practically part of me now.

this... affliction. doctors like to call it depression, and prescribe me a couple drugs to deal with it. my mom calls it sleepiness, and tells me to be happier. my friends hardly notice, and if they do notice, they brush it off as mere fatigue.

but i see it as something greater than myself. not just a small part of me, but the entirety of me. the sharp pangs of anxiety and guilt about anything that didn't go to my liking are now normal as breathing. i can't remember life before this.

hi. we've known each other, what, two years now? three?

i'm going out with her for lunch today! i'll see you tomorrow

we've established a sort of routine. a schedule. i've grown to expect your presence in certain places at certain times in the day.

hi man i'm sorry, we have plans again today. tomorrow, i promise

did you stop to think how your absence would affect me? or was the promise of a love life too much for you to resist? was i not enough for you? was my care and love not enough for you?

i'm really sorry. tomorrow, i promise for sure.

oh screw off. you're lying through the skin of your teeth and we both know it. just go. just go be with your new girlfriend. don't come crawling back to me when your relationship falls apart and you have nowhere to go. you will not find the same me, if you come back.

hey i'm free now! can we hang out?