Glimpsing Through Stained Glass

Glimpsing Through Stained Glass

A thread to post poems and explain my intent behind the words.

Let's start with the title.

Stained glass is much harder to see through than regular glass, but if you look hard enough, you'll see what's really there. Much like poetry.

i wonder what you’d say if i told you
i’ve had dreams about us.
would you laugh?
smile, knowing this would be the result
of the damage you caused?
(i think you’d stay silent)

when you were gone,
i wasn’t the one left in tears
i was left with a feeling of freedom
of knowing you couldn’t touch me again
And could never come back.
(i learned freedom is finite)

but then you showed up behind my eyes,
chasing me down with a knife in your hand
and it hurt every time you stabbed me,
everytime you opened your mouth and all that came out
was a bloody mess of mangled love and lies.
(i never stopped bleeding)

so on the day i saw you again,
my blood ran cold
and i stopped in the center of the hallway,
it seemed like i was the earth again and everything
was revolving around you you you.
(my earth shattered when you left)

and you tried to say hello as if you were the sun
but all i could think about was the darkness you brought
so i stayed silent and walked away,
you got the picture and let me be,
realizing you couldn’t touch me again.
(not now not ever)

we act like we are nothing to eachother,
and i can’t catch any of your sly glances,
even though i wish i could,
because you hurt me so so much
and i don’t even think you know.
(i didn’t even know)

now it seems you’re no longer the sun,
simply a distant star in which
i can no longer reach,
such a distance will never seem
far enough away from you.
(but you’ll never be the sun again)

This poem garnered a lot of attention. And, looking back, there are a lot of things I would change about this poem. Though, I still like it. My poetry style has considerably changed since I wrote this, but this poem still holds quite a bit of meaning.

As a quick side note, I chose to go with no capitalization to show the rushed feeling of the narrator. This poem expresses a lot of the thoughts I had surrounding this relationship, and most of the time, it was pretty much just a jumble of rushed wonderings and confused ponderings.

A lot of people assumed this was a romance, but this story is actually about a very toxic friendship. I met this friend in elementary school, but they moved away a few years after I met them. I didn't really realize how bad of an effect they had on me until right before they moved away.

Once I stopped seeing them, I started to dream about them. I dreamed multiple times that they came back to school, and I got stuck in that toxic relationship again. This is shows with the first two lines of the poem.

would you laugh?/ smile, knowing this would be the result/ of the damage you caused?

I never knew if this friend intentionally hurt me. I never knew if their manipulation was intentional. I won't go into specifics, but we were just kids, after all. Did they even know they were doing it? I don't know, but these lines illustrate this wondering.

The second stanza talks about when this friend moved away. I wasn't sad at all. I didn't mourn their loss. I never spoke to that friend again. I truly just felt relief that I didn't have to deal with their manipulation anymore. Spoiler!! This person eventually moved back to my school, which is why I wrote

(i learned freedom is finite)

The third stanza really just mentions the dreams of this person coming back to the school. It showed that even though they were gone, they still had a way to hurt me. And it was scary having those dreams. I didn't want them to become a reality.

And then those dreams from years ago did end up becoming a reality. This fourth stanza shows how I felt when I saw them for the first time again. I didn't actually stop in the hallway, but I definitely stumbled a little bit. It was a shock to see them after so long.

it seemed like i was the earth again and everything / was revolving around you you you / and you tried to say hello as if you were the sun / but all i could think about was the darkness you brought

Wow, there is a lot to unpack here! Let's start with the first two lines.

When we were friends, this person constantly made everything about them. They acted like they had all the answers and had everything figured out. I can't ever recall a time when this friend ever made things about me instead of themself.

The next two lines talk about the way this person acted when they saw me again. They tried to talk to me as if we were great friends when we were younger. It was shocking, because, again, I didn't know if they knew how much they hurt me. They acted like our friendship had been all sunshine and rainbows, but it wasn't even close. The only things I could think about were the bad. I literally just walked away from them when they tried to talk to me again (true fact).

so i stayed silent and walked away, / you got the picture and let me be, / realizing you couldn’t touch me again.

After I walked away from them, they never made another attempt to speak to me. The next stanza really shows this.

we act like we are nothing to eachother, / and i can’t catch any of your sly glances, / even though i wish i could, / because you hurt me so so much

The first line hits the most for me. There's so much to our story, so much that I haven't told anyone, but we act like we've never known each other. We act like we don't even know each other's name.

Looking back, I would definitely change the second line of this stanza. But the meaning holds true. I'm constantly looking for a glance from this person. Even just a look of recognition or understanding, but I don't see a thing. They don't even make eye contact with me in the hallway. Nothing. The last line shows how much this hurts, even though I don't want their attention anymore. Like, this person was such a source of wondering for a very ling time, but I don't even think they know that, which leads into the final two lines.

and i don’t even think you know. / (i didn’t even know)

I didn't realize how much they hurt me until years after I first met them. As the person being manipulated, I could barely see it. So this person probably didn't even know they hurt me either.

The final stanza. Oh, the final stanza.

now it seems you’re no longer the sun,/simply a distant star in which/i can no longer reach,/such a distance will never seem/far enough away from you./(but you’ll never be the sun again)

The first three lines talk about the hold that this person has on me now. Which is none. This person has no power or control over me. Sometimes, there's the occasional wondering, but I don't even like to give them that much credit. And, even if I wanted to speak to them again, I doubt we'd get very far.

the next two lines are almost a contrast of the first three. Although this person no longer has an effect on me, I still have those memories of them. I still will never know their true intentions. And I will always have to live with that.

And with the very last line, I declare that they will never be able to hurt me again.

Although this poem holds a lot of meaning for me, I am healed from this experience. Yes, this person hurt me. Yes, this person affected me for a long time. But guess what? They don't affect me anymore. I am freely talking about my experience, and it doesn't feel heavy or burdened. It's just me expressing my emotions. And that's okay. So, if you have thoughts, don't feel like you need to be super careful with my feelings! I'm very much doing okay now.

And, if you stuck around this long, have a cookie. You deserve it.

we are not the same.
look within.
we are not the same.

we join hands in this place &
i cannot find my eyes.
we weep together because
that is all we can do.

you are torn to shreds &
i must hold you together.
the wind blows & you fade
away from my palms
piece by fateful piece.

your ash settles on my lashes as
i watch you dissipate.
we are a disarray of lament.

you will wash away &
i will stay here endlessly.
we are not the same.

Woah, I haven't posted here in forever. There's one poem I'd like to talk about, mostly because no one got what I was trying to go for in this poem (which unfortunately means I have some work to do with this one haha).

I honestly think a BIG part of the problem with this poem is the title. I was originally going to title it "mirror" then changed it to "cry with me" last minute. But "mirror" would have been so much better! Let's take a look at why, though.

The two main characters of this poem, the narrator and 'you', are the SAME PERSON. (what?) I wrote this poem- shockingly- while I was crying. And it was like I was falling apart. But my physical body, of course, did not reflect that. I watched myself "fade away from my palms piece by fateful piece."

"you will wash away & i will stay here endlessly." This piece of me that felt like it was falling apart would eventually go away of course, but I would still live on. Thus, even though we are the same person (by technicality) "we are not the same."

So it was meant to be this sort of juxtaposition between how I felt- who I was on the inside- and my physical body- which was perfectly intact and okay. Thus, why I should have named it "mirror," signifying that the narrator and "you" were the same person, and also because if I looked in a mirror, I was physically okay.

"we join hands in this place &
i cannot find my eyes."
I'm not going to lie to you... I have no idea why I wrote this. I think I remember feeling really clever for writing this, but I honestly don't remember why. Perhaps it was nothing more than a contradiction. You can't really find something if you can't see it. Which... actually makes sense. Perhaps it was meant to signify blindness. I don't know. Sorry to disappoint.

I've been learning that if I want to convey meaning, every line must hold significance. And sometimes, I really like to just string pretty words together in poetry.

I would write this poem very differently given the chance to write it again. Perhaps I can make adjustments.