waves are lions

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ysb1993
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 2
Wed Jan 31, 2007 12:19 am
ysb1993 says... · Wed Jan 31, 2007 12:19 am
I know this is a really bad poem but im putting it in any way. Make sure not to look at punctuation and mechanics because this is only a rough draft ill fix it later!


The waves crash
like angry lions
pawing at the sand
eating all the fish

crouching and waiting
for someone to walk by
he pounces
drenching the unsuspecting tourist

He wates for you to jump inside
he slowly makes you drift
farther and farther away from the shore
the lion has caught his prey
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Cade
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 758
Wed Jan 31, 2007 1:00 am
Cade says... · Wed Jan 31, 2007 1:00 am
Punctuation, capitalization, and spelling take two seconds, and the poem's lack of them is highly distracting to the reader. Try getting those in next time.

It's a cute idea, but it was a little too blatant. A little over cute-ified, perhaps. It's shoving this "Look, I made a metaphor. Waves=lions, ha!" in the reader's face. The performance was rather like a magician being overly dramatic about a certain trick. The trick is nice, but the overall performance has let you down.

At first, it says, "The waves crash/like angry lions" but later refers to only one lion. I say keep it with one lion.

Stick to what you've got, this nice little idea. Just know that three stanzas about waves being lions will not amount to much more than a cute poem.

Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
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2 posts


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