Unwanted,

Unwanted,

Empty locker room - cold
You can hear the crowd cheering, and you feel all alone.

No one to look for you, but not that you deserve.
Still wouldn't it be nice to have, a friend whose hand you could hold?

And when the rough time passes,
together you may collapse with relief.

But you know you have no one, for all of your careless mistakes
So hold onto yourself, and collapse on the bench.

Ok. this wasn't bad, but rather okay.

I'd suggest you to add more discription to this, it is too dull and doesn't bring an impact. I've seen this alone topic so many times, and when its repeated it would be nice to see it elaborated differently.

Empty locker room - cold
You can hear the crowd cheering,
And you feel all alone.

That sentence well pretty cliched, how many times have we heard that?

But you know you have no one,
For all of your broken mistakes.
So hold onto yourself,
And collapse on the bench.

As for the bold line, it refers to what I've pointed out before as "cliched"

the italic part, well I don't quite understand this? I think you'll need to add a dot to the second line and things could get clearer. And also it would be best if you don't capitalize every sentence

And your title "Unwated," I have never heard of unwated, I think you refered to "Unwanted"

Cheerios, Chandni

Thanks! ^_^
I've made some changes, but I'm still working on it!
And you were right about Unwated, I meant to title it Unwanted, lol

Hi Jess - I'm glad I finally got a chance to look at some of your poetry. This is pretty good for one of your first works; the underlying emotion was very well done.

The only fault, really, that jumped out at me was the rhythm in places. It lacks a certain degree of flow and doesn't read well aloud. There wasn't a general pattern of syllables or even line length that you kept to, and it detracted a bit from the poem. I gather that you were going for a blank verse poem, but I think that in this case, with this length, you might have wanted to rhyme it instead - I think it would have come off beautifully. ^_~

Here:

Jess_14 wrote:No one to look for you, but not that you deserve.
Still wouldn't it be nice to have, a friend whose hand you could hold?

But not that you deserve? That doesn't work very well - or should that be "... but not that you deserve it?

But you know you have no one, for all of your careless mistakes
So hold onto yourself, and collapse on the bench.

..."for all of your careless mistakes" - here again the wording sounds awkward. Something to look at, perhaps.

I really love the underlying tone, of this piece, Jess - I strongly encourage you to do a rewrite. I think this is worth it, and I would love to read it.

Good job. ^_^


--

(Critted for the CCF)

I agree with Dream - Rewrite with the suggestions and you could have a very beautiful poem. I really thought this was a nice piece with pleanty of meaning.

Thanks you guys so much I'll be sure too try rewriting it. I pretty much thought it was a doomed poem, but your comments saved my belief in my own poetry

It's good, up until the last verse. I didn't like it very much, it ended too quickly.

and collapse on the bench.

its just so bluh for how much emotion you've put through it so far.

Dream's comments will help it out, also

I liked it but it needs work. Add more detail and imagery. I see that the person has just killed themselves out of lonliness. I don't know if that is the mental picture supposed to be seen but it's what I saw.

hmm this is not good that you think the person kills themselves at the end, because what i was trying to go for is that through all the loneliness and pain, the person had to just collapse - like it said in the poem - on the bench to regain their strength, they needed to be alone. i dont reallu know how to put it into poetic words correctlly, but thank you so much for all of your suggestions

if you have any more please let me know! i appreciate it!