Canary in a Coal Mine

(Discord works!)

Sadie was grateful that the rest of the meal went without incident. She really liked the reverend's kids and it was a nice evening away from the stress of grading and lesson-planning.

All too soon, however, she found herself lining up kids in the auditorium for the auditions. Sadie was anxious about it. It felt like she was going to piss someone off no matter what she did or who she chose. Especially since she had a gut feeling of who was going to do the best bit.

"Alright! Cyrano auditions to start out, then we'll move on to other positions after the main cast. Who wants to go first?"

Bean's hand shot up; she'd put together a costume of sorts consisting of an oversized denim vest and swim trunks, plus cowboy boots and long socks to mimic hose.

Sadie smiled and nodded to her. "Alright. Up you go." She nodded towards the stage, endeared by the costume. "I see you dressed the part; let's see if you studied up, too."

Bean scrambled up onto the stage eagerly, clearing her throat. "When do I start?"

Sadie settled back in her chair and picked up her clipboard and shuffled through her papers until she found the one she'd designated for the Cyrano applicants. She then picked up a pencil and scratched Bean's name on the paper, then nodded to her. "Whenever you're ready."

Bean launched into her chosen monologue.
"Ah no! young blade! That was a trifle short!
You might have said at least a hundred things
By varying the tone. . .like this, suppose,. . .
Aggressive: 'Sir, if I had such a nose I'd amputate it!'
Friendly: 'When you sup It must annoy you, dipping in your cup;
You need a drinking-bowl of special shape!'
Descriptive: ''Tis a rock!. . .a peak!. . .a cape! --
A cape, forsooth! 'Tis a peninsular!'
Curious: 'How serves that oblong capsular?
For scissor-sheath? Or pot to hold your ink?'
Gracious: 'You love the little birds, I think?
I see you've managed with a fond research
To find their tiny claws a roomy perch!'
Truculent: 'When you smoke your pipe. . .suppose
That the tobacco-smoke spouts from your nose--
Do not the neighbors, as the fumes rise higher,
Cry terror-struck: "The chimney is afire"?'
Considerate: 'Take care,. . .your head bowed low
By such a weight. . .lest head o'er heels you go!'
Tender: 'Pray get a small umbrella made,
Lest its bright color in the sun should fade!'
Pedantic: 'That beast Aristophanes Names Hippocamelelephantoles
Must have possessed just such a solid lump
Of flesh and bone, beneath his forehead's bump!'
Cavalier: 'The last fashion, friend, that hook?
To hang your hat on? 'Tis a useful crook!'
Emphatic: 'No wind, O majestic nose,
Can give THEE cold!--save when the mistral blows!'
Dramatic: 'When it bleeds, what a Red Sea!'
Admiring: 'Sign for a perfumery!'
Lyric: 'Is this a conch?. . .a Triton you?'
Simple: 'When is the monument on view?'
Rustic: 'That thing a nose? Marry-come-up!
'Tis a dwarf pumpkin, or a prize turnip!'
Military: 'Point against cavalry!'
Practical: 'Put it in a lottery!
Assuredly 'twould be the biggest prize!'
Or. . .parodying Pyramus' sighs. . .
'Behold the nose that mars the harmony
Of its master's phiz! blushing its treachery!'
--Such, my dear sir, is what you might have said,
Had you of wit or letters the least jot:
But, O most lamentable man!--of wit
You never had an atom, and of letters
You have three letters only!--they spell Ass!
And--had you had the necessary wit,
To serve me all the pleasantries I quote
Before this noble audience. . .e'en so,
You would not have been let to utter one--
Nay, not the half or quarter of such jest!
I take them from myself all in good part,
But not from any other man that breathes!"
She finished out of breath but grinning; she'd been very emphatic and enunciated at most of the right points, though she'd gotten a little overenthusiastic at times and forgotten several lines.

Sadie had to resist the urge to quote it alongside her. She wasn’t even a little bit surprised that Bean had picked that monologue, and was impressed but not surprised that she’d memorized the whole thing… mostly. It’d been an — “excellent audition! Thank you very much. Next?”

Bean bounced on her heels and bowed, then hurried off the stage, still grinning.