The Poem...I don't know

The Poem
By: Amanda Punzalan
December 20, 2006

If I had a choice, I would never choose
There is no win or lose
If you were to give me your heart
I wouldn’t be afraid to tear it apart
But you’re like no other, I can’t be so cruel
You’re too valuable to play for a fool
Your heart to me, is like a heart of gold
It has been formed into a more finer mold
I pace the floors when in deep cogitation
There is a feeling inside, a bitter-sweet sensation
I can’t say enough to place you at the highest regard
These are just simple words, I haven’t gotten that far
I want to show you how much I care
But sometimes, I am speechless and the feeling is never there
Mayhap it may be because I’m scared to say something wrong
But what needed to be said has been said all along
You have to understand that I am overwhelmed just like you
It has driven us to a point to which we know not what to do
This anxiety, this indecisive feeling I seem to emit
Has taken a hold on me, more than I can ever admit
Maybe it’s something more that you seek, something more infinite
I’m afraid I can’t, I am unable to give it
The things I say now won’t mean a thing tomorrow
Because I’m just prating with much heart-felt sorrow
Forgive my faults, my unfeeling speeches and cold-hearted stares
I’ve never been so dumbfounded before, but what we have will always be as fair
As day…as night
As beautiful as a candlelight

omg! i luved it it makes toal sense!
and it rhymes i luvv rhyming poems

If you were to give me all that was within your heart
I wouldn’t be afraid to tear it apart

You've mixed tenses, it makes it kinda hard to figure out...

It has been formed into a more finer mold

'more' is unnecessary

Mayhap it may be because I’m scared to say something wrong

Typo?

It has driven us to a point to which we know not what to do

I'd change that 'to' to 'with' if you really want to keep this line but I suggest completely rewording it.

Because I’m just prating with much heart-felt sorrow

Typo.

Forgive my fault, my unfeeling speeches and cold-hearted stares
I’ve never been so dumbfounded before, but what we have will always be as fair
As day…as night
As beautiful as a candlelight

I like this bit a lot! Although sorry I know I'm being finnicky but perhaps you should change it to 'faults' and get rid of the 'a' in the very last line, it's unnecessary.

It's a very good poem with a great idea behind it, just needs a little work here and there.

Wow...you people have been a little too nice (although Ittybritty got a lot of the typos). I HATE rhyming poems. I've only seen it done well a few times. It forces you to jumble words in weird ways and garbles the meaning in the process. Seriously, free verse is so much better. Also, if you're going to rhyme, you need rhythm. You have none. Your line lengths are all over the place, from 5 to 20 syllables. Rhyming loses its effectiveness if you attempt to rhyme a short and long line, as in this couplet:

I want to show you how much I care
But sometimes, I am speechless and the feeling is never there

Whatever it was you're trying to say, I'm not feeling it. There's so many unneccessary (sp?) that I completely lose you. The last couplet was pretty, but that's about the only positive thing I have to say. Keep writing and you'll definitely improve. Everyone starts somewhere.

Well... it rhymes. If your aim was to have the last word of every line rhyme, you certainly have succeeded, and passably well--while quite often it lapsed into "bubblegum rhyme" (i.e., cat/hat, choose/lose, you/do), you also managed a few decent combinations... I was particularly impressed by the combination of "cogitation" and "sensation." That's far more than most newbies can manage, and I commend you for it.

If your aim, however, was to create a comprehensible, enjoyable poem that makes the reader think or feel differently, then you have failed. By the time I'd finished the last line, I was physically wincing. In all honesty, consider these lines:

If I had a choice, I would never choose
There is no win or lose

Not only does the lack of punctuation make it difficult for the reader to construct a comprehensible rhythm, but the lines themselves frankly make little impact, and even less sense. I hoped, upon completing these lines, that the poem might improve throughout the rest of the post, but I was sorely disappointed.

There is nothing in the way of a set rhythm, a cadence to keep the reader's inner ear engaged and pleased. And if you can't please the inner ear, how do you expect us to either enjoy the poem or give you, as a poet, any credence?

While I disagree with niteowl in that a set rhyme-scheme does not always lead to a dismal poem, I concur as far as this: rhyming is not an easy thing to do, especially for an amateur (which, by posting this poem, you have proved yourself to be). My advice to you: think less about rhyme and more about the rhythm, the sway of the poem; it's that, and not a clever (and note, I use the term 'clever' very, very loosely here, despite the use of one or two big words that happen to rhyme) scheme that keeps the reader interested.

Also, an involving and coherent message helps just a wee tad.

In the immortal words of the Dr. House of the Poetry Forums: Scrap this.

Certainly Love:


Good grief.

Poetry once involved the careful and precise use of language to articulate an idea or emotion.

re: "But what needed to be said has been said all along "

Why are you telling us this? Why write a poem about it if it's already said?

It's easy to tell this is beginner's work from use of words like "Mayhap," which have more or less been out of use that past century. A poem simply must display a certain eloquence and familiarity with language and conscious expression -- you have none of these things. Mayhap you should read some decent poetry before trying again.

(At the risk of sounding redundant) Scrap this.


Best,
Brad