Pictures Tell My Story

As a young child I loved life
New places, faces and names,
But I grew to hate myself
And did it ever end?

I would look into the mirror,
See a monster staring back
I turned away with anger
And never did look back.

I hid myself so deep inside
Under layers of unwanted skin,
Came out from the dark at rare occasions
Did you ever look in?

I now can tell my story
Any one can listen in
Take care and love yourself
There is nothing more important.

A rather...depressive poem I think. Seriously, try to work on your self-image, I'm sure it's not -that- bad sheesh!

Now, one line just...juttered out of place in the middle of your poem.

I hid myself so deep inside
Under layers of unwanted skin,
Came out from the dark at rare occasions
Did you ever look in?

That line just...doesn't fit with the rest of the verse. It's got too many beats, or something.

I now can tell my story
Any one can listen in
Take care and love yourself
There is nothing more important

And this verse just doesn't ..work. At all. I'm sorry, it doesn't match the rest of your poem...Perhaps you could rephrase it to have the same meaning but so that it could flow better?

Otherwise, it's not bad hon, not bad at all ^_^

~Chibi

And never did look back.

this line feels weird. Maybe its the use of 'back' again.

I think it would do better with a rhythm, I liked it all except the last stanza. And you should maybe give us more than the general descriptions of your childhood.

Yeah as Claudette says I also liked the whole poem except the last stanza,the whole poem maintained more or less a rhythm but the last stanza was total blank without any beat/rythm.

I liked the way it started.
Well done!
Keep writing and posting.

Again I reiterate - start was good. End needed work.

The last verse was a little bland for my liking and could have been made more poetic.

I guess you're kinda tired of reading this by now, but the above are right, you do need to work on the last stanza... I don't know why...

But otherwise I thought is what a really good poem. It was expressed in a very unique and meaningful kind of way.

x frm lucy

Cathy,


You have posted here over a time-frame, and while I have not detailed your YWS sojourn, I do know that you are consistently posting below the average level of work here.

You don't need to work on this. Period. You need to find something to write about that extends beyond your own navel.

Besides getting to know a lot more good poetry, you need to appreciate the world. Write about what you see and hear and taste, the people you meet, and the things that happen to you and those people. There's a whole rich universe of material out there, but you haven't used it once in your poetry.


Best,
Brad