David’s Lament

David’s Lament

The soldiers massacred, leaders have fallen,
Do not speak about our loss,
Do not make the foe rejoice.

May Gilboa’s land be always wasted,
For good soldiers have died,
And the gallant Lords slaughtered,
The two leaders fought but did not prevail.

Saul and Jonathon,
May their souls be everlasting,
They are stronger than the strongest daylight,
Mightier that the mightiest bear.

Hebrew people mourn for our sovereign,
For he dressed you in jaded cloth,
And admired you in your golden fabrics.

I grieve for Jonathon,
How your kindness shone unto me,
Even more than that of my own sister.

Soldiers hath felled,
At the almighty hand of battle,
And who was once a great ruler,
Is now corrupted and dead.

There's nothing wrong with this. In a mechanical sense, that is.

But this poem doensn't make me care evne a snipit for any sort of lost souls or lamentation. I think that the writing could be better if it were not so much more personal..as just simply more expressive. I felt disconnected to this poem, and felt that you, as the writer, shared no feelings here, either. Put your soul into it - not somebody else's.

I wrote it 3 years ago. Thanks for the feedback.