Currently Untitled

This poem has been knocking around in my head for a while, but I am having trouble on several accounts:
1. I need to work in the main context of the poem, Nebraska, before the 5th line.
2. I haven't the slightest how to end it.
Any and all suggestions are appreciated!

Currently Untitled
By K.J. Hascall
12/4/06

I sit at my desk late at night, listening to the music of Newman, Copland and Hem.
The sounds pulse through the wires of my headphones. Microscopic goldfish wriggle into my mind and shake their tinkling scales against my brain.
The deep pulls of the bass resonate through my skull.
Through the undercurrent of the music the dark plains north of Scottsbluff surface.
My heart is the anvil cloud hanging dark and heavy above the silent crickets hidden in the long prairie grass.
My heart is a meadowlark at dawn, excitedly coaxing the sun awake.
My heart is the deep expectation of the darkness of the dead of night.
My heart is the distant call of the train through the snow-covered cottonwoods in the irrigation ditch.
I am defined by the rise and fall of the music and by this place so haunting.
I am pale silos looming.
I am unending blue skies touching fields of snapped cornstalk stubble.
I am shaggy bluffs shaped like buffalo memories the wind chip away.
I am cattle strolling across the green fields, calves lowing in the rear.
I am tractors and combines rolling heavy lines in the crops.
I am a single pair of headlights on a rolling highway following the barbed wire.
I am center-pivots standing like silver skeletons in the midst of plenty.
I am blizzards that white out anything more than four feet away.
.

C'mon guys, how about a little love?

Cicero--


The problem is: this never escapes your navel. You go on and on about "me" as if anybody could possibly care.

Writing about geography is a difficult task since many others have already done so. You have to damn near pull a rabbit out of your hat for it to be effective.

My advice: drop the purple language and drop the self-referential blahblah.


Best,
Brad

Truthfully Cicero, I didn't like this at all. It makes little sense and as he^ said, if you're going to write about "me me me", you need to give us a reason why we should care...(no offense intended)

Try writting something different.

Pandora

I agrre with Pandora and Brad. Not only does this poem need to convince us why we should rwad about you, but the lines are WAY to long. Break them where you would take a breath.

Jearjioe

If you are just going to tell me you don't like it and then not offer any suggestions, please don't crit my work at all. I'm here for constructive criticism, not just "I don't like this." I don't like a lot of what I read here, either. Lots of the writing here is not my style, but that doesn't stop me from giving a fair critique. Those comments don't help me become a better writer, they just break down my self esteem and make me defensive, you know?

Brad is known for being brutal about everyone's work but his own. Why follow in his arrogant footsteps? You don't need his approval. My work aside, his cold demeanor is not appealing.

Secondly, some of the best poetry has very long lines. I refuse to break my lines any sooner. Neither of the opinions I asked for have been given.

Finally, clearly no one here has ever read any Walt Whitman.

Cicero--


You obviously put a fair amount of time into typing this and your response.

Let me say, though, that even when this poem is polished, this will be a mediocre piece of work, grossly overwritten with slews of modifiers and self-obsessed torrents. It attempts to create a (faux) prophetic and omniscient "I am" basis, but it all just seems silly at best. Certainly we have read Whitman--but you are not him, nor does this show any promise of demonstrating a likeness to his works. The allusion, while existent, is weak.

Suggestions for improvement are simply difficult to conjure up because we, as readers, have no idea what you were intending when you wrote this.

Re: "Brad is known for being brutal about everyone's work but his own."

Well, of course you think that. The goal here is to get others' opinions on our works. Why would I, as author, remark on my own pieces? Don't you think I would have already done such criticism in my own time, and by posting here necessarily reveal that I can not find what I want to revise? Certainly, you haven't found it either--you've said as much in your response!

You do know how a workshop functions, don't you?

If you are so ungrateful that strangers took their time to organize their thoughts and post them here for you to consider (in fact, you're throwing a tantrum that we didn't respond the way you wanted us to, nor did we address what you wanted us to, etc.), I do not hesitate to remind you that there is an abundance of writing sites that would be more than willing to pat you on the back.

If the reviews here are simply unhelpful--don't use them. But do NOT attack other writers because you do not find their responses helpful or are offended by them as such. You're a grown up: start acting like one.


Take care,
Brad

Let me say this: I know this thread will soon be deleted. Rest in peace, freedom of expression and speech.

I am not ungrateful for responses. I find it completely laughable that you would say that. This site is famous for the typical: "Oh my god, this is amazing!" which, stroking one's ego aside, is completely and utterly useless. I hate that kind of response as much as I hate these crits, which do nothing but tell me my poem is awful. Do you see that point? I can count the number of helpful reponses on one hand, negative or positive, that I have received on this site. I keep posting in the vain hope that I will get a helpful response. I need to know the WHY of something, not simply that it is good or bad. Kudoes to BFG, who understands the concept of constructive criticism.

And you're one to talk, Brad, when all anyone ever says of your pieces is that they're incredible. Every time I've tried to give you a thoughtful response, you've offended me by stating that I simply didn't understand the piece or some drivel of that nature. Maybe that's the truth, but I've never seen you gracefully accept criticism. Tell me again, who's seeking a pat on the back?

I just want to understand why so few people on this site understand the meaning of constructive criticism. It takes NO THOUGHT to tell someone their work is awesome or awful. When a person sits down and writes out a complete critique, however, that is something. I laid out the specifics of the criticism I wanted because that's a last ditch effort to get people to give good crits. I keep coming back to this site for that one good crit I might get on the occasional piece, and because this site is very active.

Finally, Brad, does it make you feel good inside that you can be overly harsh and critical of people instead of helpfully and politely making suggestions (even if the piece is clearly meant for the trashcan)? Your method is flawed and I hope you don't act like that in the real world, because you're just asking for a difficult life. I'm the most blunt and honest person I know, but you, Brad, you are just plain rude and mean. If you'd like to give me a real crit, please do, otherwise don't read my pieces. And if you'd care to inform me of what exactly purple language is, that would be great.

As to my reference to Whitman: I've had several other people read this poem and tell me they thought it was like his poetry. I hate Whitman, but somehow I wrote a piece more along his style (Song of Myself).

Boys:

This particular thread is not the place to have this 'discussion'. Brad has actually started a thread for this exact reason, please take your argument there or continue over PM.

Thank you.
Meg

don't take it to hard there are alot of overly drastic criticts that "drive to ruin peoples lifes work"-rosethorn

keep writing and =) happy reading (=

for what it's worth:

look, if i blathered on [honestly] about myself for 230 words, i'd be shut up or shot. from this poem, you're not any more interesting than i am. blahblahblah.

that said: i like some of the ideas behind these lines, like being a blizzard that whites out everything more than four feet away.

you, however, are ridiculous. 'i refuse to break my lines any sooner.' come now.