Dancing 'Til Midnight

Rounding and whirling
Lost in the rhythm
Pounding and sinking
Dreams of tomorrow
Lost in the dances
Silver in moonlight
Scarlet in bloodbath
Glory and passion
Ecstacy blooming
Dancing til midnight
When moonight waxes
Sun rises yellow,
Heels drag on dance floor
Silver to golden
Scarlet to sunlight
Dancers fall, sleeping
Gone til the moonlight
Dance floors and garlands
Lay there forgotten
But one song lingers
Lullaby gently
Dreams of the next dance
Flitter like wings.

At first I found the flow well suiting and enjoyable, but you've seen to repeat alot of words which makes it rather boring/anoying in the end. I'm very found of the structure. Your closure was very dull, and I'm sure that with the creativity you showed earlier, you could fix that. Let me point out what I mean with the repetitive words:

Rounding and whirling
Lost in the rhythm
Pounding and sinking
Dreams of tomorrow
Lost in the dances
Silver in moonlight
Scarlet in bloodbath
Glory and passion
Ecstacy blooming
Dancing til midnight
When moonight waxes
Sun rises yellow,
Heels drag on the floor
Silver to golden
Scarlet to sunlight
Dancers fall, sleeping
Gone til the moonlight
Dance floors and garlands
Lay there forgotten
But one song lingers
Lullaby gently
Dreams of the next dance
Flitter like wings.

Moonnight, Midnight, Moonlight, Sunlight etc I'm not sure if you wanted to create a rhyming scene with these, but that obviousley didn't work out.
The constant -ight, cuts off the originality.

And yes the underlined "the"; I'd suggest you to change that from "Heels drag dance floor" maybe you forgot the "the" there but by adding it up, it would mess up the structure, so I thought of removing "dance"

Cheerios, Chandni

On the contrary, I thought the flow was too...flowy? All the lines seem to have the same about of syllables in them, which I think is great for a short--ultra short as in like four lines short--poem, but here I think it's just too structured. The reader gets into a flow while going through it that kind of reminds them, or at least me, or reading off a list or names or spelling words in primary school or something. At the end, reading this kind of felt more like a chore to me than a pleasurable activity.

But, that's just my opinion I suppose...considering the difference of crit's here haha.

aMego

i agree with her^ the ditto syllabled ligns get tiring to read after about 6 ligns and the reader is suppose to sort of finish the poem, i like your imagery but maybe you drowned the poem with adjectives...
keep writing=)happy reading(=

Hi carelessaussie,

I actually like your rhythm, it feels like a slow, waltzy dance to me.

First, is Rounding (L1) a proper word in this context? Well, I guess it is. But when I read it, the image that it conjures to mind is the act or process of making something round or rounding in math.

Second, the image of Heels drag on dance floor (L13) is icky. I thought you were trying to create this beautiful scene of dancing, dragging heels make me think of someone passed out, or fainted, and them having to take her off the dance floor. I mean if you are dragging your heels you aren't dancing.

I greatly dislike the verb Flitter (L23), and in this case as the last line of your poem, is no good. Flutter works infinetely better, with flitter there is too much of that long i sound.

I think one of the reasons that this poem falls short is because of the structure, and all the polarities. There is no depth too it. Try nixing the structure and seeing how far you can go, without using just these short little blips - they act like soundbites, when we want the whole thing.

Hope this helps, and good luck.
CL


Courtesy of SPEW and Kitten Eaters Anonymous

now that she brings up the point dragging heels doesnt only make it seem as some1 past out, but maybe isn't to nimble on there feat... =)