wednesday, 1.13 am, purple sky

yesterday i thought you were God Almighty.
i imagined you sprawled naked on my bed,
with your sandy hair falling across your face.
i had to bite my cheeks to hide my smile.

today i could barely look at you because
i was repulsed by the thickness of your eyelashes
and the dirt under your fingernails
and the way you eat pizza with a knife and fork.

i love you so much more when you don't exist.

Fantastic piece! I'd like it even more without the "ands" in the second stanza..."the dirt under your fingernails/the way you eat pizza with a knife and fork"
You have punctuation in the first and last stanzas but not the middle, except for that random period. A period at the end of the whole stanza would be better.


Colleen

Capitalize your I's. That is your first mistake.

In your first stanza, the last line is cute, but you could have made it cuter. Try to do more than tell us what you are thinking, and that you had to bite your cheeks. I've said this to someone else, and I'm surprised I have to say it a second time. You are writing poetry, make it poetic! Give us the feelings. Why was he thought to be God Almighty? And what caused you to be repulsed by him today? With poetry, you want to choose each word carefully so that you give the right impression.

You have to give us more, not only concerning with word choice and emotion and why, but who is he? And what are you talking about? Does this have any...'life' outside of your thoughts?

You need to bring clarity to your last stanza, and if you wish to break your four line pattern already established, you need to do it within good reason and with a very good sentence. "I love you so much more when you don't exist," does not give us much. I hear the basics, what the words mean on the surface. but to YOU, what does it mean? That is what you want to tell us. Otherwise, I can only assume you hate this person all together.

One other thing, you capitalize the first letter of the word that starts each line. I didn't notice this at first, but the 'I' thing should have been grammar in elementary school...and you say your are seventeen, so, perhaps we were typing lazily?

Happy editing.

i don't capitalize my "I's" and it's not because i'm lazy or because i don't go to school.

but thanks for the crit apart from that!

Chanson--


This is good, a fine portrait that brings the person to life.

I had trouble wrestling with what you were trying to convey in the last line. In the other two strophes, there seems to be a physical distance between the speaker and the character, but in the last strophe this appears to change for a moment, and I wonder if it is really holding up the way the rest of the piece is. You ought to invest some energy in finding a different ending.

In any case I'd be surprised if several of us who have come to maturity won't see something of ourselves here.

While it's true, the poem offers little in the way of a new or different point of view, it is well crafted and effective, and those are not bad things for a poem to be.


Thanks,
Brad

I actually thought the last line was the strongest part, for summing up the feeling i'm sure we've all had before with such brevity, and for taking the images and knitting them together. I loved the lines "i had to bite my cheeks to hide my smile." and "and the way you eat pizza with a knife and fork." Very original, and there's an honesty about the narrator as they talk about a young mistake. You kept to one idea, too - didn't try to say too much in one poem, and I liked that. I didn't like the first line so much though - God Almighty has been used a few too many times before to be as refreshing as the rest of the poem. All in all, a wonderful poem, continuing the originality and beauty laid down by your other works.

Congradulations That is a fine piece of work, probably because each and almost everyone one of us can relate to it.

Congradulations again.

Keep writing =)happy reading(=